Trending Topics of 2013: Valentine Memos?

By Daniel Rigney

Gazing into my crystal screen, I see images that foretell the trending topics of 2013.

Inaugural Swearing In. I foresee that, following the inaugural oath of office in January, Rush Limbaugh and Fox News will excoriate the President for swearing in public, and in the presence of children.

Robe Fashions. I foresee biblical robes as a major fashion trend – not just in neo-traditional evangelical communities, but on the fashion-conscious streets of our most sophisticated cities as well. New York Times street photographer Bill Cunningham will devote a feature to “The Robes of New York,” but will caution cyclists not to “robe and ride.”

Narcissistic Valentines. A major greeting card company will roll out the long-expected “Valentines for Narcissists” line, featuring cards with lots of tiny foil mirrors and self-admiring messages. Newt Gingrich will be seen furtively leaving a card store with a large sack of them over his shoulder.

The Love Business. Corporate exectutives will once again send their significant others "Valentine's Day memos," with legal disclaimers.

Plutocrats Repent. The Koch brothers will have a profound spiritual awakening when they realize that their attempts to control American democracy through their vast wealth have been shamelessly plutocratic, self-serving and unethical. They will host Saturday Night Live, holding hands and singing "We Are the World" as an inspired nation brushes away tears of grateful admiration.