By Daniel Rigney

After several minutes of intensive Internet research, I’m discovering what appears to be a rapidly spreading epidemic of epidemic metaphors pertaining to phenomena that have little or nothing to do with the spread of literal, biological disease.*

Here are just a few of the figurative scourges currently raging through our culture like mutating viruses, some of them said to be spreading “exponentially.”

Be on the lookout for:

… an epidemic of rhino horn thefts. (Horns are allegedly stolen from museums or poached and sold on the Chinese medicine market.)

… an epidemic of narcissism.

… an epidemic of “gray divorces” among couples over 50.

… an epidemic of smart-phone thefts.

… an epidemic of expulsions aimed at raising standards of school discipline.

... an epidemic of college football scandals.

… an epidemic of laughter in Tanzania. (I’ll have whatever they’re having.)

... an epidemic of “stoned driving.”

 … an epidemic of xenophobia in Europe.

… an epidemic of “presumptive forgiveness” – this diagnosis from a clergyman who resents those who expect forgiveness before first repenting their transgressions and mending their ways.

… an epidemic of “false conversions” sweeping evangelical churches among those who feel “saved” but are still not living scripturally-correct lives.

… an epidemic of witchcraft, or rather of witchcraft accusations.

… an epidemic of overconsumption – also known as Affluenza – culminating in overindebtedness, an unsustainable economy, and environmental devastation. (This one’s for real, folks, though it’s not medical per se.)

... an epidemic of circumcision. Ouch.

and finally,

… an epidemic of fear – exacerbated, one supposes, by a widespread and exponentially-growing fear of epidemics.

Be careful out there.

Postscript (4/19/2012): Further research reveals:

... epidemics of both obesity and picky eating.

...  an epidemic of sex addiction, and

... an epidemic of virtue.

Run for your lives!

 *For further thoughts on this and other biological metaphors, see Ch. 2 (“Society as Living System”)  in Daniel Rigney’s The Metaphorical Society (Rowman and Littlefield, 2001).