Politics and Culture in the Comic Zone

Daniel Rigney

Daniel Rigney
New Texas, USA
August 01
free-range writer
In this writing workshop and citizen's blog I'm exploring various short forms, often from a satiric angle. My interests include politics, culture and the human comedy; old and new media; social theory and urban life; the commercialization, corporatization and tabloidization of everything; sustainability; Unitarianism (UU); coffee; and writing (sorry, I mean providing content). Turtle stamp is from Tandy Leather. Interested in republishing a piece? Contact drigney3@gmail.com.


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AUGUST 3, 2013 1:17PM

Ted Cruz Jokes

Rate: 6 Flag

By Daniel Rigney

Political satirists want to know: Is it too early to begin minting and circulating Ted Cruz jokes in preparation for Tailgunner Ted’s possible run for the presidency in 2016?

President Obama doesn’t seem to think so. He got this punch line in last week: “If Ted Cruz says that somebody’s a Communist, then you know they’re in my cabinet” – a sly reference to Cruz’s McCarthyist claim that when he was studying at Harvard Law School, twelve members of the faculty were Friends of Karl.

I know it’s early in the election cycle, but I believe that standup progressives should begin stockpiling Cruz jokes immediately, in the unhappy contingency that the Cruz Missile makes a serious presidential bid in 2016. Last month, the Cruzer was coy when asked about his presidential plans as he flew to Iowa to give what sounded suspiciously like a stump speech.

So if Tex Cruz does decide to run, political satirists should be ready. Herewith, a starter kit of sample lines.


What does Ted Cruz have against the Tea Party? It’s too moderate.

What’s the most dangerous thing you can do in Washington? Get between Ted Cruz and a news camera.

What’s a sure sign that Ted Cruz will join the presidential race in 2016? He signs up to take a Spanish language course.*

How many donors does Ted Cruz need to raise the biggest campaign war chest in U.S. history? Two. Charles and David Koch.

Does Ted Cruz take orders from Wall Street? No. And neither does his wife, who works at Goldman Sachs.

When is a birther not a birther? When Canadian-born Ted Cruz runs for president.

Why are Canadians grateful to Ted Cruz? Because he moved to the United States.

Have you heard about the new Cruzmobile? It circles the block endlessly, because it makes only right turns.

What’s Ted Cruz’s favorite automotive feature? Cruz control.

What does Ted Cruz pay his speechwriters to write? Cruz lines.

What was the key to Cruz’s successful senatorial campaign in Texas? Branding.

What does Ted Cruz do for the environment? He recycles 19th century ideas.

Where does Ted Cruz stand on natural gas as a bridge fuel to renewables? He favors it so long as the bridge is a causeway.

Does Ted Cruz believe human activity contributes to climate change? Not until climate scientists like Rush Limbaugh say it does.

Who will Ted Cruz pick as his 2016 running mate? Someone more moderate to balance the ticket, like Ted Nugent.

What if Ted Nugent declines? Cruz’s running mate will be a mirror.

What will Ted Cruz’s speeches be called? Ted Talks.

What will his followers be known as? Teddies.

Where does Ted Cruz stand on evolution? He’s against evolving.

Where does Ted Cruz stand on women’s issues? He’s compassionate. He’s believes women have suffraged long enough.


And Mr. Letterman, in answer to your question: Yes, I can work from home.



:] Rimshot the Sitdown Comic, since 2011


*When Cruz ran for the Republican Senate nomination against David Dewhurst last year, he ducked Dewhurst’s  repeated challenges to debate in Spanish. Cruz later acknowledged to Fox News that “my Spanish is lousy.



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Why do the Republicans have to nominate Ted Cruz?

He's the only Republican to the right of Obama......
Good one, Sky, although it's hard to find a prominent Republican who isn't at least somewhat to the right of Obama, including right-libertarians like Rand Paul. Thanks for being the first to contribute to this starter list!
TC isn't worth two.
Fred, I hope you're right, but it looks as though he'll be around for a while and will require some serious and comic pushback.
The only good thing about Cruz being in Washington...he's not in Texas.....the guy is not a Senator...he's a shock jock....he's the TeaParty's Howard Stern....I really hope he runs....it will be a hoot.
Hey, Marty. "The Tea Party's Howard Stern." Now there's an image! Cruz as shock pol. Thanks.
Don't be shy Dan - tell us how you really feel! ha ha You did fine yourself in the joke department & why not...you have a bird's eye view in Texas of Cruz' modus operandi! Me? I'll just wait awhile before my Blood Pressure can take the Election Cycle again! R
You're right, Marilyn, it is awfully early to be thinking about 2016, but I believe the whole country will be hearing more about Cruz as he elbows his way into the Republican Party limelight and becomes a national figure. Then we'll need all the TC jokes we can get. I'm just offering some starter dough here. Thanks!
Wy worry about the early starters? They always fall by the wayside. It's that dark horse who pops up at the last minute who ends up running.
Hope you're right, sky. But some horses start fast out of the gate and just keep going. I think that's what progressives have to watch with Cruz. He has a lot of scary right-wing money behind him, and his red-meat approach to politics appeals to an easily manipulated right-wing base. I still see plenty to worry about here.
What happened when Nixon's DNA fell into a petrie dish with Joe McCarthy's DNA? They had a test tube baby named Ted Cruz.
Good one, Pam. It's not a pretty picture, is it? Thanks for commenting!