By Daniel Rigney
Satirical Enterprises has announced the launch of a new dating service based on the shared hatreds of its members. Get ready to meet HateShare, and through it, perhaps, your perfect match as well.
Unlike most dating services, which match people based on their shared interests and likes, HateShare looks for significant overlaps and patterns in our loathings and revulsions.
Suppose, for instance, that you despise the New York Yankees, Miley Cyrus, Fox News, Christmas, and okra. HateShare will find the fellow members who come closest to sharing these same antipathies.
To register, applicants complete a lengthy questionnaire that lists hundreds of familiar people, places and things. The applicant checks off at least 20 of these as hateful and ranks them in order of odiousness. Applicants are encouraged to choose as many hate-objects as they honestly can in order to increase their likelihood of being matched with like-minded haters, or "hate mates."
A secret algorithm crunches these negative preferences and spits out the names of those with whom the applicant shares a significant number of disharmonies.
Theoretically, you might think the perfect matchup would be between two people who both hate everything. In this instance, they’re hearts would seem to be pounding as one, if only in anger.
Yet paradoxically, a date between these two universal haters is not likely to go well, for the obvious reason that they’re likely to hate each other at first sight, and keep hating each other throughout the evening, making up seinfeldian excuses to call it a short night.
For this reason (call it the hater’s paradox), we can't recommend that you sign up for HateShare unless your hatreds are few and trivial.
Two haters will probably hate each other, but two people who like everything in the world but okra may have a bright future together so long as they don’t order gumbo on their first date.