JANUARY 12, 2009 9:05AM

From Divorceland: This way lies madness.

Rate: 12 Flag

Monday, monday.

 So I made it through the weekend...and now another week of wife working with her gf begins today.  I'm blessed that I have a business trip the latter half of the week; it's time to get away from this and breathe a bit.

It's weird to still be jealous, now that things are ending.  I have the urge to snoop on them, to want to shield a marriage that's over in many ways anyhow. 

Old habits die hard.  I used to suspect, now and again, that she was having an affair, so I'd try to prove it to myself.  I don't have to now.  She was, she did, she IS in all ways at the moment except physically.  I don't have anything left to prove or disprove, which both frees me from the fear of finding out and simultaneously saddens me.

I find I oscillate from "it's going to be so nice to have a place of my own" to "my life is over".  Both and neither are true, I realize.  It WILL be nice to run things my own way; to have a clean uncluttered house with things I've picked out.  I wonder what my style will be? (*side note: I ordered the IKEA catalog yesterday.)

And yes, my life as I knew it is over.  The main reason I'm carrying on as normal is for my oldest now; that and I can't drop 15 years of marriage so quickly.  It needs the time to wither on the vine.

On the other hand for both, a place of my own will be lonely at times and hard, and my new life may be greater than I imagined.

blogspot hit counter

Time will tell.

Happy Monday, OS'ers.  Thanks for reading, and your support during this time.


Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
Morning DS. Hope the week goes okay. It's not weird to be jealous... that's a very human response to a very trying circumstance. It'll pass eventually - its the waiting for it to pass that can really get to you if you let it. Keep focused on other things and you'll get through this all just fine.
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is coming. What will we do today?
I managed to avoid ongoing jealousy, some how, so can only imagine the pain.
Scream it here, ds, don't hold it in...
Morning, Rapier. I hope it'll pass sooner rather than later...I'm having a really hard time with this. I'll try to take your good advice and focus on other things.
Hi Brian -

Very Zen, very true. I need to get back to breathing...at some point.

Time will tell, and by all looks of it (you and your handling of this) you will be fine... in a fine means good kind of way.

More and more I keep thinking how generous you are. Sharing your struggle helps so many of us... to reflect on our own progress with the similar issues in our past, to allow us to offer you support (which is a good task for our psyches and souls), and to help those who are in similar places but not able to share openly for whatever reasons they may have.

Generous. That's you.
I am glad to see your posts, darkside. I think you are definately moving on. the door to tommorrow is open and you are looking thru. Ikea in the future? It is all up to you.
please continue to write it out and vent away here. You got much support from amny here.
life can suck with no support. This site can help much with that.
Hope you have a better week.

As anyone, including myself, who's been thru this painful but illuminating journey--yes, your new life WILL be greater than you imagined.

No doubt this has been a time of introspection and self-flagellation. Wallow if you must.

I know I did, and I probably wallowed far longer than most. A terrible accident during the divorce waiting process made me terribly dependent upon STBX. I literally cripped my way out of the marital house and would be seriously injured for 5 more long, lonely years pending all surgical corrections. I think that's what made my recovery so long and drawn-out: the injuries were a physically painful reminder of that misadventure.

But The End finally arrived this past May. I was finally Well, 5 years after that accident. I was amazed at how much better I felt: all of it was, at long last, Over.

Don't beat yourself up; treat yourself gently. And remember: healing from divorce takes 2-5 yrs, so please don't fuck up someone else's life just b/c you were too impatient to wait to get involved again. If only people--men AND women--would learn that alone and lonely are mutually exclusive of each other, there'd be fewer broken hearts and shattered illusions (b/c real life does a pretty good job of that already).

Better yet, get some counseling and learn about yourself. Use an anti-depressant, but only w/your shrink's help. (Oddly enough, it was the second year post-divorce that got me down most; the Rx really helped.)

Your time will come; this too shall pass. Cultivate patience w/yourself. Get out of yourself and into your children, your job, your interests. Your world does in fact need you--as indeed it does all of us.
Thanks, wakingupslowly...all I can say is that I'm trying my best, and I'm more grateful for all the OS folk who are being supportive while I muddle though all this.

If it helps others, that makes me happy.
suzyishere - so true, it's up to me. I'll write a post at some point about that oddness ;) Thanks.

undertow - thanks. I hope you have a good week!
Hi Elsma03 -

Wow, I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult time of it. I'm glad you made it through.

Lots of good advice. I am already in solo counseling; rest assured I have no plans to mess up ANYONE'S life while I heal. Besides, my focus will be on my kids first; my long-term love life is going to have to take a backseat to them anyhow for a while. My oldest will need lots of attention and new routines; the baby will need her daddy to love and cuddle her.

I hope to re-enter the world better than when I left it. Cross your fingers.

Hi ds- I remember looking through receipts before we got married, trying to prove he was lunching with someone else. Now, I don't want to know. It does help to be distracting by living into the future - designing your apartment is a good one. Ikea=instant new you.
We're with you.
Hi Ardee -

Thanks much. I can't wait until it doesn't hurt anymore...or at least decreases to bearable. My wife STILL wants us both, but understands that I can't have it that way. That kind of makes it worse in some respects, because I am wanted...just not in the way I need.

Anyhow, thanks for commenting...I can't wait for my catalog.

Hey, darkside.

In re: IKEA and your style...

How vividly this post reminds me of the time I was re-building a stash of the accesories of A Life. Buying everything--literally everything--to furnish an impossibly empty apartment. Pots and pans. Spatulas and wooden spoons. Plates and flatware. Towels, sheets. A bed to put them on.

Craigslist helped a lot.

The transition is surreal. Re-defining "my style" was a sanity saver. I got to back up and really think about what I like, what I don't, what I prefer (not "we").

Were I to go through this exercise again today, I think I'd be making yet different choices. Life continues. Changes continue. Moving river. Blah blah blah.

Keep on hanging in there.
Hey, Verbal -

Yeah, keeping on keeping on and all that.

It's funny, we have a house FULL of crap. Stuff. Junk. And I basically want none of it. I'll probably get stuck with some things I don't want...but unless I really want it, I'm either selling it or donating it and starting over. Depending on money of course.

So...IKEA in September...and I'll probably get a couple of my gay male friends to come help me decorate, to lend that stylish touch. Typical? Maybe...but their house looks better than mine...

Thanks for checking in ,

Hey DS!

I think this business trip of yours is a great thing for you! It will give you a chance to have some down time and get you away from the tension for a little bit. I know its damn hard to stay positive right now and that's okay, whatever you are feeling is okay, just allow yourself to feel. Period.

Otherwise, are you sleeping and eating enough? How are the Pups? (kids :D)

Hugs and wishing you a good day!
One of the best things I did for myself: start a new life w/new crap, if possible.

Bed (especially the bed), TV, appliances--right down to the dish towels and soaps. Even if you live out of orange-crate furniture, it's not "tainted" w/the bad past.

Always best to start fresh, I always say. It was helpful, in hindsight: out w/the old, in w/the new.

And w/the NY, it's even better. NYs really ARE new beginnings.
Hi LadyMiko -

I can't WAIT to get away...and have friends take me out...and possibly carry my ass back home on a stretcher, putting gatorade by my side for the morning.

I'm eating too much, but going to start cutting back; went back to exercising today. Not sleeping enough, but that's more because of the baby, who's awesome, along with the oldest. The oldest has no clue about what's coming - we're going to disclose more towards the summer when the shit comes down.

Definitely feeling...ups and downs all over...but it'll be ok.

*hugs* back and thanks,

hi elsma03 -

Yes, that's my motto for most things. New life, new stuff...with the exception of kid things and sentimental items. Plus, since she's going to be living upstairs in the duplex, I can have ready access when I need it to anything I want...kind of a mixed blessing.

Thanks, Karin.

I'm hoping for some breathing room, some ranting room, some drinking room (excess in moderation), some crying room. I may even get a couple hugs from the co-workers who take me out - they're nice.

Mostly being on the road will help me to clear my thoughts, and I'll have my voice recorder to take down lyric ideas. Somewhere in this mess I need to purge.

Shed it. That's a really good metaphor. Thanks for that :)

Hope you have a great week as well,

Still here. One day at a time is the way these things work. Try to have fun (it is possible!) on your business trip. Swim in the pool if they have one, sit at the bar and chat with the bartender. Don't stay in your room. Breathe deeply.
Shopping at IKEA can cure many kinds of depression. And it's way cheaper than therapy combined with drugs.

Just tryin to make you laugh, buddy.
Hope you have a good day.
hi dcvdickens -

Oh, I definitely plan to enjoy myself. Decent healthy food, going out both nights with friends, and lots of distractions.

That being said, I plan to cry some of this out too when I can. It's too hard to let go in the house.

Ooo the pool. Maybe. If I can get up the courage to get in there with my extra 15 I need to drop from the midsection.

hey mungular -

you got a a grin ;) and it's SO true.

hope you have a great day -
hey kiddo- stopped by to deliver 3 scritches and a coupla ruffles, but your remark about the vine brought something to mind.

Since it's not a complete thought yet (I'm getting sick and not thinking as clearly as I might), I may totally botch it up if I try to explain it so go on over to this link and see if you can tell what I'm getting at:

ht tp://www.darenberg.com.au/products/testimonials-red/2006-the-dead-arm

(there's a hiccup in the http part of the url b/c I couldn't post it otherwise)

Though one arm of the vine dies, that death means that the rest of the vine produces lush, intense, remarkable wine. I hope that made at least a tiny speck of sense.

Here's an extra ruffle for good luck!

See you tomorrow?
hi bees tone :)

I hope you're feeling better...but you're certainly making sense. Something for me to think on - thanks for that.

take good care of yourself - soup? tea?

"I have the urge to snoop on them, to want to shield a marriage that's over in many ways anyhow."

At this stage, I expect that this kind of behavior is kind of like the urge to pick at a scab. You know that it's the wrong thing to do, but you're anxious at the same time to see what's happening underneath. This is a fluid time for all of you. Sounds like the business trip is just the thing you need.

Hang in, darkside.
Yes, coyote, that's pretty much it. I have the need to KNOW...but at the same time it doesn't matter.