Darkside

JANUARY 21, 2009 10:12AM

Divorceland: Drama, drama, drama.

Rate: 20 Flag

I had to take a few days.

So I'm starting to come to grips with the fact the marriage is ending.  It's very sad, but more and more I'm convinced that I'm doing the right thing.

One of the things that's convincing me of that fact? 

The DRAMA.

I came back from Pittsburgh to find that gf's husband is now fully aware of the affair, and he's not, understandably, too happy with my wife, and doesn't want her around.  Can't blame him there.  I haven't seen gf since I found out about the affair, and I'm not really ready to yet.

And then the "fun" begins.  Both of our kids are in the same social circles, and they're attending the same birthday party on Saturday.  I'd normally go along, but gf is going to be there, and now wife gets to freak out because gf's hubby is supposed to be there too.  A last minute settlement is reached because gf's hubby has to do work instead, and wife says she'll drop my son off and go food shopping instead.

The Middle East has nothing on these negotations.

So it gets better (worse).  Sunday night MY son is having a sleepover birthday party, and gf's son, being his best friend is invited. 

The negotiations are on again as to HOW the kid is getting to the house.  (I was not involved in the initial portion of this.)

Wife and gf wind up in a major texting argument about this; gf doesn't want to go behind anyone's back, wife just wants her to drop her son off, they're mad as hell, calling each other names via text (I hear about this from wife, by the way).  In the meantime, I wind up cleaning the house for the party, almost all of it, because she's immobilized by the fighting and also holding the baby.

The negotiations are brought to an abrupt detente by, you guessed it! Me.  "You know, she can BRING her son over,"  I say, "just have her text you when she's close and I'll go upstairs with the baby!". 

Done.  No more drama.

Of course, I get to hear all about the aftermath text conversation, where all is revealed....evidently gf was concerned I was going to be blindsided by her showing up, etc. etc. 

Their text conversations get so involved that wife has to go upstairs to deal with them...leaving me alone with the five boys and the baby to handle the party for most of the first half, including getting them to make their own pizzas, setting up entertainment, etc. 

I finally have to pull wife aside and say "I don't care if you text her all night at this point, but can you just wait until after the cake and ice cream and when I've set up the movie?" 

Wait for it.

She then says "of course"...starts crying two seconds later and disappears for ten minutes to "get herself together".   Seriously.

After that, at least, she pulls her weight.  By then I'm ready to just be quiet and alone in a space without theatrics.

Drama, drama, drama.  THIS, I will not miss.

Thanks for listening. 

 

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drama, divorce, sadness

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Maybe you should suggest that text-fighting might not be the best way to resolve anything. How about a phone call? Her thumbs might get jammed. Your patience is certainly admirable, as is your restraint.
The day after the divorce, expect her to: realize she made a mistake, learn that her gf isnt ready for a commitment, and want you to take her back.

I look fwd to your post-divorce party post.

best to you.
Yes, there eventually was a phone call...once gf's husband was out of their house. As I said, drama ALL over.

Thanks - I'm really working on it...and thanks for commenting.
Thanks, rijaxn - I'll be interested to see if you're right. I'm already sensing some "buyer's remorse"...and, to be honest? Part of me, after hearing the details of their argument, thought "hmmm...well, good luck to both of you"!

Look for that party post this Fall...
aw yes, the drama...TBDT...still doing it
ah Brian, that doesn't sound good...TBDT?
Text fighting? How CHILDISH...

Also...I am rather tired of her feeling this burning need to keep you abreast of their every fucking exchange.

You may love this woman, I get it...but I don't, tell you that much.

Christ.
I'm with Persephone. Why does she need to "share?" There's something wrong with her motivations.
I meant BTDT...been there,done that... la ex was the poster child for drama queen.
Hi Persephone -

Yes, childish. And the boundaries need to be drawn so that I'm NOT sucked into the exchages. That'll be part of the counseling thing.

I do love her...but more and more I'm realizing that the ending of the marriage, while sad, is going to be more stablizing for me in the long run. I think.

Thanks for the comment :)
Hi voicegal -

Not sure how far back you've read in my blog...but it's important to remember she wanted/wants BOTH relationships; it's my saying no that is bringing the whole separation/divorce thing to fruition.

I don't think even wife knows her own motivations from minute to minute sometimes...she's relied on me for 15 years, so easy to dip into that well.

Thanks for the comment.
Oh, got it, Brian! BTDT, right. Sorry, man. I feel for you, seriously.
Hi Karin -

Yeah, they aren't the poster children for the budding alternative relationship communicators of the month right now. Thankfully, that won't be my problem much longer.

The week is...ok. Lots of stuff to keep me occupied for the moment, and my third job starting up tonight. I push on.

Hope your week is going great :)

Thanks for commenting.

PS. Me? A grown up? Oh noooooo....but I'll take the compliment anyhow, thanks!
Do some reading/net-research on "Love Addiction." Realize that your wife is an addict. Realize it will not get any better. It will get worse. Set some boundaries.

Stick to them.

You are the victim of her addiction.
Wow. That's more drama than I see in a typical theatrical production! Sounds like you handled it well. Wish your wife and her gf could handle their mess better. (And it is their mess.) Fighting via text - from what I've seen - never works. It usually escalates the conflict and usually has the parties talking about 2 different things.

Hope the kids liked the party at any rate!
Hi VR -

Thanks, I'll check into that. And yes, the boundaries are coming. It all takes time to untangle.

Thanks for commenting.
Sad for the kids. And she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too.
I agree with rijaxn...I think as you're gaining more clarity with the situation, coming to terms with it and planning for the future, her 'other' relationship seems to be far from serene. This will hit her at some point, then watch out, the begging may begin! Keep on keeping on.
Hi Rapier -

Yep, they're something. I do hope as their relationship progresses that their communication will improve, in all seriousness.

And yes, the kids LOVED the party :)

Thanks for commenting...

ds
Hi Deborah -

Yes, she doesn't get that option. Still, so far the kids have not suffered one bit; in fact, that's my point and goal to minimize any impact on them in either family.

I understand and support my wife if she needs to come out, but I will not let it affect the kids more than it has to.

Thanks for commenting...

ds
Thanks, Joat, I definitely will keep on. I don't doubt she'll want to double back at some point...but that ship has sailed...
Listening it is, ds. This drama takes a lot of energy to sustain, doesn't it? I trust that things will settle down. One thing I learned a long time ago in family relationships is to not trust second hand info during tough times, e.g., nothing that gf or hubby of gf should be taken as "fact" unless you hear it directly from them. Everything your wife says is distorted by her deal and is totally filtered and may not be reliable. I wouldn't buy into anything wife saays about other parties for now. Just a thought. Wishing you a calm day.
Yep, absolutely, grif, thanks for bringing that up. I'm usually more "eh, ok" when she tells me "gf's perspective".

Shakers of salt, not just grains.

Thanks for the point and the comment...hope you have a good one!
OMG, some boundaries have to be set. She should not be telling you anything about her private communications with this woman. SO NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Can she fucking deal with anything by herself? I mean really. You cannot allow this to happen. When you do, you are basically giving her license to walk all over you. I wish you good speed in fixing the housing arrangement. You need your own space, and the kids need some space where they can escape from the drama. Your wife needs to GROW UP. She needs to learn to put her petty BS aside! Ug.
Angrymom? You rule. Thank you for your response...and I agree with most of it.

Yes, it's not my problem. The only reason I got involved was because it involves the kids, which is pretty much going to be my standing policy. And, once I can face gf and get that over with, I won't have to deal with that aspect either.

At the end of this all...my door will lock :)

Thanks again,
ds
You know, I think this divorce is going to be great for you. I worry though when you say things about her having someone to love her to get through this while you don't. I'll tell you why--I think you need some time alone without the women so you can get your head straight. I'm not trying to harsh on you, but I think you need to reflect on why you're attracted to the sort of woman your wife is. Meaning overly needy, SELFISH, childish, shit stirrer. I went through the same process when I got divorced and for about a year after when I'd start making googly eyes at someone, I'd stop myself and ask if this was the same old type of person I was always attracted to (severely depressed alcoholic with tragic upbringing) or someone more with it. I saved myself a lot of troubles with this exercise! So forgive me for being harsh, but what is it that you're getting out of managing her stupid life? Does it make you feel better to keep her in order? Down deep this is probably a self-esteem issue you've got.
Ok, Angrymom, I'm chuckling...because you have good points.

To quote my counselor: "[I am] by my nature a giver. The thing to learn now is to give to myself as well."

Part of my motivation in general and satisfaction is from making other people happy and whole. It's how I'm made.

That being said, I definitely don't plan to find anyone I need to fix on a fundamental level in a relationship ever again. That's not what I need anymore. I need someone whole, if and when I ever go back to having relationships, I intend to be very cautious.


My marriage was/is troubled. It was deeply flawed, but there was joy in it. However...when it finally ends, I'll be both saddened and relieved.

Thanks again for commenting.
"I do love her...but more and more I'm realizing that the ending of the marriage, while sad, is going to be more stablizing for me in the long run. I think."

Darkside -- Let me tell you this. If you can divorce this woman and heal from this you have a chance at a not just a "stable" life – but a wonderful life.

You so deserve to have a woman adore you and want you and love everything that's male about you. You sooo deserve to have a wonderful sex life.

Start to envision your post-D life. Not just the cessation of pain and the resolution of the drama - but what YOU want. The type of life YOU would be happy living.

If you dream it, it will come (why does that sound so dirty?)
Hi Mari -

Wow, thanks. I need to work on a lot of that. Deserve a wonderful sex life? Really? Such an odd thought. To be wanted and have that thought articulated and acted on out loud...is foreign to me right now. How sad, I guess.

I think I'll eventually be able to picture those things, and I appreciate your reminding me. Right now I'm trying day by day to survive emotionally; but each day it gets a little easier to envision my future.

I'll try to make it bright.

Thanks much,
ds

PS Yes, it does sound kind of dirty...but in this context...not such a bad thing ;) Thanks!
"Done. No more drama."

No, it's just starting. Listen to VR! Learn to get out of the co-dependent mode. As long as you allow her to tell you what they talked about, solve fights etc this will only get worse.
Thanks, Catnlion....seriously, unless the kids are part of the equation, I'm not going to be available for their drama. That's the only thing I'll allow a different boundary on.
aren't the poster children for the budding alternative relationship communicators of the month right now- LAUGH!!
no shit, eh? Don't listen to any more arguments or her talking about gf at all. Gf is not a part of your life, she is a part of your wife's life. You have no responsibility to engage with her or her issues at all, even by proxy. You do so not need this townhouse. Don't do it- move away, get a wife who loves you and actually fucking sees you as more than just an extension of herself. You deserve more DS. I know you know it, too.
no need to feel bad for me, ds....that part is history, though she's still a drama queen, I no longer let it control me. upside: two great kids. Downside: committment phobic. sort of a balance.... *shakes head and chuckles*

may you come through your situation with less downside. Remember, I'm still seeing the upside of life (read my posts - there's a reason I'm all about the good things).
"get herself together"

As if!
oh... this is good. You're seeing the dysfunction first hand.
REMEMBER this when she comes back with the buyers remorse.

VR is COMPLETELY correct. Boundaries boundaries boundaries! Write it on your hand, put up signs, say it to yourself in the shower. I'm glad other people are starting to say it and you are starting to see it. She is completely codependent and will lean on you now and forever if you let her.

Did you at least get to watch the festivities yesterday? :)
I'm just going to ditto lovingly what hyblaean wrote ('cuz I'm still dragging my sorry ass around) and she's so smart.

Take care, DS.
God....this thing makes me so mad I needed to come back and post again!

Baby, you gotta make it perfectly fucking crystal clear that you don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut WHAT the fuck the girlfriend says, thinks, feels, ate for breakfast...whatever.

And when there are little meltdowns between them (given your wifes drama/'love' addiction, there will be more) stay far the fuck away.

When she acted all concerned about your feelings regarding the girlfriend...(you handled it well by simply leaving the room)...I wanted to pop her one in the mouth.

fuck! This makes me mad.

I am glad you are so good at supporting and caretaking. That energy directed towards the right partner is warm and wonderful..but no matter how kindly you frame this chick, she is coming off as deeply fucked up.

I'm not even sure couples therapy is a good thing! Just you alone...

And...and...whilst I am on a roll here with indignation and unsolicited advice, I will say to you that your strong and honorable need to put the children first doesn't mean that you need to entirely give up your fucking LIFE.

Consider a NEAR home, rather than a duplex.

Or ...you know..when you get one, invite me over and I will make sounds close to your shared wall that make it sound like you are THE FUCK OF THE CENTURY.

So there...hrmph.
well, m'little cupcake, I can't say anything because my jaw is hanging open.

*fwwwap!*

there, it's shut. and what pearls of wisdom can I offer? ummm....sorry, babe, I got nothin' aside from "oh, good lorrrrrrd".

remember way back when I said I could smell a guy with a level head from a mile away (or something like that)? well, I think you're a few hundred miles away and dude, I'm catchin' yer scent. ;D

til next time.....
pssst....I'm with Persephone on the housing issue. seriously. very seriously.
Glad to hear the kids have one parent who can suck it up and resist the selfish drama. My ex used to share his drama with me, too. I loved it when I got to the point that he was like furniture to me. No love, no attraction, no bad or good feelings. Just like furniture. You will be so much happier some day, just you wait and see oh yeah!
You are way more tolerant that I could ever be. Why should you be brought into this childish drama when you are already doing everything you can to make the whole divorce experience go as smoothly as possible? It sounds like your wife doesn't need to find herself, or spend more time figuring out what she wants, she needs to find maturity. Strength be with you.
She made a choice to pursue this other relationship. She needs to be grown up enough to decide that since this was her choice, her exploration to "find herself" if you will, she must be responsible for the foibles that ensue. To involve you in the minutiae of the negotiations, the text messages, the crying, etc., is to continue to enmesh you into a place you need not be.

It's time for you to be strong and be your own person. I agree there's codependency going on here. I hope that you have a good individual counselor.

I'll be waiting for my invite to your divorce party. I hear rijaxn is hosting.
Wow. Ok, I'm going to take three comments at a time.

Hyblaean - I understand much of what you're saying...trust me, I will be taking control of my life. That being said, at least for a couple years, for myself, for my own selfish reasons, I need to be as close to my children as possible. I will do almost anything to make that happen and smoothly. Still, I hear you and I thank you.

Brian, thank you. I'll keep reading your posts :)

Blake...well, yeah. Although the new therapist is actually working with good data, so if she sees the process through, it might help. Miracles happen. Still....yeah.

Thanks for the comments, folks.
sciencechick - yes, for SURE, boundaries. I'm working on it. Seriously. With a counselor's help, even. And YES, I saw the festivities, and I'm so joyful. :)

caroline - I'm weighing all my options...but thank you. How are YOU feeling? You ok?

persephone - Thank you again for your comment AND your concern. Yes, I know. Truly I do. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation and make peace. I will NOT give my entire life up, I promise you. I will take care of my kids and myself first, and grow.

That being said...book the time for the fake orgasm noises. ;)

Thank you all for commenting.
Hi Ms. Bees - *smiles* I smell that much? I do shower regularly... :) Thanks for the thought, and the oh Lord. Good point there. I'll be giving the housing thing thought...but for now, the duplex is my best hope for my kids.

Serial, we'll see how it goes...but thank you for the thoughts, very much.

Mr. Bitters - I agree, she does need to find maturity. I hope she does. Thankfully, it's not going to be my problem by the end of the year.

Coyote - yes, she needs to take her own life in her hands. I have my own counselor, and he's good.

An OS divorce party sounds...amazing. :) Let the planning begin!

Thank you all for commenting.
I'll make the cake! %;-)
Thanks, Coyote! Chocolate, please...and the good stuff so ms. bees will show up ;)

Wait wait...does that mean freaky will come too?????
Why don't you get this divorce over with. Its wearing you thin. My prayers....
Hi Moana -

A few reasons:

1. Our house needs to be made ready for sale; it's an old house and a large one, so cleaning it and getting repairs made so we can retire our debts when it's sold is going to take months. Literally.

2. With a four-month old who is exclusively nursing, I would lose time with the baby if we split up now. I can't bear that. The first year is so precious...every minute.

3. I'm just not ready to spring and let 15 years go in a month, no matter how awful parts of it was.

I appreciate your concern, your comment, and your prayers.

Thanks much,
ds
Good post, dark. Hang in there.
Been catching up on the "Divorceland" posts and must say you have found an interesting style for these. Kind of dry and removed from scenes, while obviously being in the middle of them. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, jimmymac - I'm trying hard to use this as a vent for the difficult experiences I'm going through, while at the same time keeping my cool.

I appreciate your reading, and your comment.

ds.
Okay, chocolate, three layers with chocolate ganache filling. Or maybe it should be chocolate, six layers with chocolate mousse filling. Full of sugary goodness. Maybe the layers could be moistened with Grand Marnier? Oh, wait, how about six chocolate layers infused with Grand Marnier and a chocolate mousse filling and orange-chocolate buttercream frosting.
*smiles* ganache, for SURE. No orange flavor, though ;) mmm now I REALLY can't wait....thanks!
"how about six chocolate layers infused with Grand Marnier and a chocolate mousse filling......"

Dunno why I came back over here but I think I sensed choco-talk! And good lord, if coyote makes a cake like this (ganache, mousse, I'm good either way), yer gonna hafta fight me for it, dark. Even if the cake IS for you..... :D
I hate to mention this but I have to ask: Has your wife been an enjoyer of drama in the past? Because some people just lurve the drama and thrive on conflict.

I think you're well within your rights to remind her that 1) this is her doing 2) she has children and responsibilities 3) she needs to be an adult.

My heart goes out to you. Everyone is acting like an idiot and presently, it kind of sounds like it's you holding it together.

Your kids sound great. Just love your kids. Be with your kids. That's the good stuff that came out of the marriage. And remember this stuff will pass. I swear it will.
Around here we call drama "running up and down stairs" because that's what people used to do when a bunch of us were in college and lived in a duplex with a lot of stairs. I do not miss it. Do not miss talking to tearful people through the locked bathroom door. Kudos to you for keeping your head and refusing to participate.
*grins* ms. bees, if you show up, I'll be the perfect gentleman and give you the first slice ;)

of course, while your mouth is full, I'll nab mine.... :)
Odetteroulette -

Yep. BIG drama, at least from my point of view. I do think in large part it's a matter of fit, though. What's a big deal to her means little to me (for example, the multiple motivations behind a feeling, analyzed over and over again), and what's a big deal to ME means little to her.

Still, yes, I'd say she's kind of hooked on it...and I'm not going to be anymore. That's another reason I'm done.

My kids...yes, they're amazing. Thanks, I can't wait until the rest passes.

Thanks for commenting -

ds
Hi Allie - "running up and down stairs". I like that. Thanks, I'm trying to keep my wits about me.

Jane, thanks. Doing my best, you know?

Thank you both for commenting.