Darkside

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JANUARY 28, 2009 9:13AM

Divorceland: Pissed off in the snow!

Rate: 22 Flag

"F*** you!  Why did you ruin our life!  I can't STAND this sh** one more minute!"

 Yeah, that was me screaming about an hour ago.  Alone in the car, thinking about everything that's gone on since last July, after I'd spent five months with my wife taking care of her PICC IV line every day during the beginning of the pregnancy while she was sick, when she decided to cheat on me right after with her girlfriend.

 I was living in my head, trying to focus on the future and the joy that's yet to come for me.  Really going deep...which, in hindsight, wasn't a great plan during a snowstorm.  Still, I was picturing the happy future where I could leave the past behind me...but it wasn't taking, and I was stuck in the past stuff...

And then, some jerk cut me off, and I nearly crashed my car into a pole because of the snow.

Cue the swearing...but what came out of my mouth wasn't at the other car.  It was at my wife, my companion of many years, the mother of my children.  The one who cheated and kept cheating.

Last night she told me that she knew that in late December things would be exposed because her "pendulum, tarot cards and a psychic" all predicted it.   Hmm...maybe it was because you were acting oddly and left a text message conversation on your phone about you and your girlfriend getting the chance to make love?  No, that couldn't be it. 

Wife yesterday graciously gave up a conference she was supposed to sell her custom jewelry at, because it conflicted with a holiday get-together for my family, and since this is most likely the last one she'll attend, I wanted us all together.  That was meaningful to me, because the economy has affected her business greatly.

Of course, that meant that at 10 pm when her gf texted that she was at a gathering and there were a few people interested in hosting jewelry parties at their homes, and could she please come over and speak to them RIGHT then, I had no real defense to fall back on.  She was only gone for about two hours...and she got three solid leads, but I don't trust that her gf didn't just text "I need you" and she went running.

I'm determined not to be bitter in the end.  Still, I am clearly needing to get into this anger and feel the betrayal and humiliation so I can process it.  Not sure what that means yet...but I got a good inkling this morning. 

It means that if you cut me off...I'm going to be pissed at my wife.  Kind of funny, really.

Thankfully, my car has good soundproofing...so you won't know it's her I'm pissed at. 

 

Thanks for listening.

 

ds

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Morning DS. Sounds like you had a "lovely" drive this morning. I'd say keep the windows rolled up and yell, cuss and scream as much as you want. Keeping that stuff bottled up isn't healthy! Hope the rest of the day goes better!
Makes me want to drive over there right now and cut you off since I'll have a free pass. Heh. Except that the snow is coming down dangerously here too. I'm excited for you that the anger is streaming out. It's a good way to be right now. Rave on my friend!
Thanks, rapier! I'm having a better morning already...catharsis catharsis catharsis!
Darkside: One day, after you are through the tunnel, it would be really cool to sit and have a drink with you and trade stories. I'll bet we'd have some real horror stories ... and some deep shit as well. Hang in there my friend.
Thanks for Listening. Thanks for Your care.
Ya give a little sh*t. But, it's okay to place a "I".
Type shit without angry Yiddish condemnation,
and know that because hyblaen set the precedent.
So, go outside, and scoops some vanilla ice cream.
Come back inside and dash some colored sprinkles.
Then, go back outside, and be calm. Roll in the snow.
Make snow angels. Flap your arms. Listen for a bird.
Hafiz says:`HOW DO I LISTEN?
Listen:`Listen as if the speaker,
was saying to me, personally,
the last precious words of Life.
Thanks, coyote...yeah, be careful...and don't cut me off! ;)

Raving on...
Harp - yeah, that'd be cool to swap horror stories. Part of me wonders what I've blocked out over years...

Thanks for commenting.
Thanks, Arthur...I'll probably be making snow angels tonight with my oldest...and find some other stuff to do.

Thanks for commenting.

ds
darkside.
Maybe folk can go lay down in the snow with an acoustical guitar?
Or, take an electrical cord and hook the plug up and do some calculus. Then "we" can come back inside, and place in an electrical toaster some swiss cheese.
Never scream:`Ya damn ice cream cone!
Or, yell in Mandarin lingo:`Peace out, homie.
Arrgh. Cold comfort to know that oh so many of us have suffered betrayal and humiliation. (Altogether now - HOWL!) I still have occasional spasms of rage at my first husband who's been dead now for decades. Spasms regarding other people who have stiffed me, but there's nothing like the deep betrayal of a spouse, because that encompasses so much of our psyche. Other people can hurt parts of us, but spouses have the ability to hurt the entirety of us...

But this too will pass (except for those occasional flashback spasms - and for better people than me, maybe even those...) Virtual hugs.
Arthur - straighten me, brother, cause it's time.

ds
Yes, Myriad, just so. Thank you for your comment, and I'm sorry about the pain you've experienced. I hope there's been more job afterwards.

ds.
DS--

Sounds like your healing is right about on schedule. Nothing wrong w/pissing off at STBX for fucking up your family life and future. It IS the truth, after all.

Really enjoy reading about your odyssey b/c I identify w/it so much--trod the same path and more. Still in 1 piece too, as you will be 1 day.

Will be watching out for you on the road. Meanwhile, piss off if you must, but drive safely.
Thanks, elsma03...yes, a little healthy pissed-offedness doesn't hurt, right?

It's both good and bad to know others have walked this road...good because it means there's survival and happiness after, bad because I don't want anyone else to have to.

Thanks much,
ds.
darkside. Ya please help me walk with a straight backbone too. We can hold each other up, and Not be the 'putdowns' who lurk to hurt any constructive dissent. Thanks. darkside has a bright-side. We best walk on the sunny side of the street.
I get deleted each time I banter?
No. But Mr. know-all, a MD do.
Example:` (not you darkside) :`
I commented @ MD. MD, I never
use a vulgar word. MD. You delete
ever banter. I assume you are a toddler,
and crawl on the scroll and soil. ~ Gads.
(Maybe the MD will not delete that?) Gads.
Life is about edification. Not to aim to ruin.
apologies if the MD did not delete a comment.
It was a sincere comment to MD a moment ago.
darkside again. Forgive me for using your great post.
apologies to MD. The two comments remain up at MD.
~
For lice. For courtesy. Kindness.
For fleas? Take some white snow.
Melt it into water. Bathe and gargle.
Scrub down with some Lye suds soap.
MD. suds.
(Respectfully darkside)
More job? Please no. I hope you meant "joy"! (And yes, much joy, my ledger is in the black.)
We need to hook your cheating wife up with my cheating husband and let them hurt one another for a while. They both deserve to know what it feels like to be on our end of it. Unfortunatly I'm too good a person to do that myself. My only hope is that my soon to be ex husband's girl either starts cheating on him or (even better) catches him cheating on her and kicks him out.
Hmmm. I've learned to pull over when consumed by rage and stay there until I'm not. May want to try this.
You're welcome. Listening is what we are here for.

One of the ironies we live with is that expecting repayment for past services is not going to be rewarded. So the answer I have found is to decide they are all gifts, freely given by me. whatever I get given to , I treasure if its good, discard if its of no value.

No barter here.
Myriad - sorry, joY! :) Glad to hear.

avogana - sorry to hear about your situation...unfortunately, unless your husband is a female, my wife wouldn't want her...

Good idea, jimmymac...if this recurs I'll try it.

Thanks all for commenting.
Hi Brian -

A good philosophy. Honestly, the only thing I expected was fidelity...and that was too much. I never expected her to give me anything back for the time I spent...just to be my wife and honoring me as I did her.

Time to move on.

Thanks for commenting.
Darkside, I have been keeping up with your posts, but haven't had a comment to add to the others you've been getting. First, I'm so glad you were not physically hurt today. Second, that damn driver just might have done you a favor to help you get the anger out. (btw, throwing snowballs or ice cubes against a wall is cathartive, and they melt and leave no trace.) 3rd, I've never been married, hence never divorced, but my parents divorces. Your children will love you for your ability to hang in there for them.
I'm glad you're getting your anger out there in a way that hurts no one. I think it's time for your wife to move out. And I do think it is SHE who should move as she instigated this situation. (let the kids stay with you until school is out) She needs to get off her butt and find an apartment and move into it. Formal lawyerly separations are in order. Because you need your space to move on from this, and she needs to stop throwing it in your face.
Hi voicegal -

You know, you just might have a point there. A couple people have been very concerned about my not expressing my anger enough...so there you have it.


Snowballs on a wall...good idea...and my children are the reason I'm going to always stay strong.

Thanks very much for commenting,

ds
Throwing snowballs is a great idea. I threw shoes once. They made dents in the wall. I'm so glad anger is around. It all needs to be processed. Iwould say honesty expressed to wife without meanness is in order. I didn't want to hurt his feelings; in the end, that crippled both of us. Stay safe, ds! We want to read you without a broken arm!
Hi odetteroulette -

Boy, do I appreciate your support. Seriously.

Since my wife is nursing the baby exclusively, it's much more complicated. Neither one of us will give up the chance to be there for the baby's beginning year, and I will endure much in this time.

That being said, it's nice to know where you stand on the matter.

Thanks much,
ds
Thanks, Ann! No broken bones here, and I've been expressing my displeasure calmly about the situation, and will continue to.

That being said, it's a perfect day to make snowballs...
DS -- Another awe inspiring post. this angre outbreak means your trending in the right direction.
Some food for thought:

Since STBX makes custom jewelry, and the economy has hit Her business hard--has She considered getting a real job?

I'm a heavy-duty aluminum recycler (1K lbs/mo and more), but alas, doing so won't pay all my bills. That's why I have a day job/ career--and my business partner and I also took it in the teeth when the market tanked (the price of all metals nose-dived w/out new construction). That's why he has a day job too.

It just seems to me that STBX could contribute more to Her kids' welfare by getting a REAL job, at least for now. I don't doubt that jewelry-making is indeed a living, but not in this economy. I also don't doubt that we'll bounce back, but not right away.

I've never had kids and never wanted them. But I also know that I've worked 2 and 3 jobs at the same time, and whatever else that needed to be done, to keep things going. I don't think it would kill STBX to get a job w/a little more stability for now. It would also prove how serious She really is about truly caring for Her family's welfare, despite Her betrayal--and it WAS a betrayal of all Her family, not just you.

And, should She raise the argument that She's nursing--I seriously doubt that She's the only nursing mother in America who can't work at the same time. She wants to have Her cake and eat it too--going off w/GF and Their "artiste" pals, favoring Them over a "bourgeois" life w/Her family--let Her earn it; She brought it all on by Herself.

FWIW...
Your own secure space, your own secure cell phone. Bank accounts, refrigerator, et cetera. Carve out a safe space for yourself. Reduce the connections/noise to a manageable level. Screaming in your car is not healthy.
Thanks, OEsheepdog...I think you're right.

elsma03, thanks, but she has a "day job", she's just on leave from it to take care of the baby, which is what I want as well. Currently the agreement is that she needs to bring in x dollars a month, and she's working to live up to that end of the bargain...she's actually pursuing three different side jobs actively, but the economy isn't cooperating.

I'll fault her on a LOT of stuff, but she is trying to bring in cash.


Thanks for commenting :)
Gordon, thank you, you raise some good points. Most of the credit is in my name; most of the technology likeside.

I disagree, however...I think that screaming in the car was a great way to blow off some steam. It didn't hurt anyone and was a good vent.

If it becomes a recurring theme, though, I will be concerned.

Thanks for the suggestions and the comment,

ds
"I can't stand this shit one more minute"
I hear you- go DS!
That is awesome that you got so pissed off- who cares what triggered it! It's cool too that you feel a li'l lighter for it. I suspected that might happen.

I do have a question, though, about the holiday/family thing. Since you've acknowledged that the marriage is over, why do you feel the need for the "one last time" stuff? Do you really think you'll both enjoy or appreciate the event more because it's the last time? Or will it feed the fires of sadness/regret/resentment/guilt/anger for both of you? I'm also thinking that kids feel you're bummed, even if you put on the cheery facade.

You're moving along so well that I wondered if this would plunk you back into a place you don't need to revisit.

It's just me musing, though, and I may be way off the mark.
oxo
thanks, hylbaean.... ;) I appreciate it!
Hey Ms. Bees -

I'm sure you did suspect...and yes, it did help. :)

It will make a difference to me, yes, because this will be the first holiday my daughter is present, and symbolically I'd like to remember her first time as one where the whole family on my side was present.

After that, though....I'll cope.

Thanks much, as always...

xoxo
Finsals, thank you for the comment, and the hope. I appreciate it.
Well, we seem to mining the same territory but there's a million tons of it under there, more than enough room for all the tunnels you could possibly imagine.

I have a little more distance, and I can tell you that it goes away eventually. I wrote a journal entry during the darkest days of my marriage addressed to some future self, living happily in the sunlight away from this suffocating nightmare. And I read that entry over recently, realizing with a strange shock of recognition that it was addressed to me -- that I had in fact escaped, and that person scribbling in a dark basement at three in the morning was officially a fragment of history. It was over. Somehow I had done it.

You will, too.
Thank you, Steven. I look forward to that day.
Don't worry. It'll get better. Then again, maybe it won't. I'm gone nearly three years and I still need to scream inside enclosed spaces. This time right here will pass. And then that time will be then, and gone. And that then can get... better.
Hi Conniemack -

Hopefully, it'll heal sooner rather than later. Right now I just want to escape....

Hope you don't have to scream so often.

Best,
ds
I remember having a beer after work with my co-workers, and in comes my wife with the goddamned married farmer whose house we'd been dinner guests. I recall how my heart sank into my stomach and I had to get the fuck out of that bar! I screamed at her all the way home. No doubt it's temporary insanity. Being a cuckold FUCKING SUCKS!

It does get better. We had kids too, and eventually became friends. Now she cuts my hair once every couple of months. So hang in there and keep screaming.
Thanks, Grif...I shall. Have a good one.

Best,
ds
Ds,

Been there, done that, really. On both sides of the issue. I was in a joint custody situation during and after pregnancy. I got a breast pump. It was great. Aventi, made in the U.K. Look into it and buy your wife one.

Because.....if you think things are bad now, as i'm sure you can imagine, they're going to get a whole lot roller coastery once that baby is there. You have to think of your kids. They shouldn't have to live through that. And having regular alone time, and full responsibility for your infant on a regular schedule will give YOU a chance to bond that fathers don't usually get when the mother has the baby attached to her 24/7 situation.

Your wife will not love or be loved by her kid any less if she gets regular recovery breaks. In fact, she's going welcome every evening, every weekend you spend with your baby. And still love her kid....My son loves both his parents, deeply. He adjusted to that situation, and I've always been glad he didn't have to watch his parents go through a divorce, and has known a peaceful, respectful family life (at least in my home.)

That's my take. Hope you consider it.
Thanks, Bill E., and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

On the bright side, unless I'm going to lesbian bars, I won't have to worry too much about running into her out...I hope.
Juliet -

Thank you for your words. We do, in fact, have a breast pump already, and I give the baby bottles when my wife has business events (the baby is about 4 months old now).

We will be separating formally during the summer as we sell the house and move, most likely, into a duplex with her upstairs and me downstairs. By that time the baby will be almost a year and winding up nursing and taking solid foods...so it'll work well.

I'm glad it worked out for you...I'm hoping my situation works for us in the long run to the best benefit of all involved.

Thanks for the comment and the thought,

ds