So, I'm an emotional yo-yo.
One of my online friends who's privvy to the situation is getting frustrated with me, I think, and I totally get why. I am a mass of contradictions at this point, and I'm having a hard time reconciling them.
It seems I'm experiencing all those "grief stages" at once these days. I'm angry and sad and depressed and accepting, all in one package. At any given point I can react in a multitude of ways. I can say things about my wife and/or her gf that are angry, but if you agree with me, I might be shocked, gladdened, or upset. It's not predictable at all.
This is one of the worst things about separating. It's not, as I imagined, the actual preparation for separation, although that's pretty awful. It's also not giving up my life as it is; if it really was all that good, I wouldn't be needing to change it.
What's worst right now is not being stable in my emotional state, because I'm not able to respond in a consistent manner to friends. When I'm in a time of major transition, all aspects of my personality are jockeying for position. I'm totally random, and not in the fun way I take such pride in each day.
It isn't fair....and I HATE being unfair. Especially to people who are trying to help in my "hour" (year? ugh) of need. Friends deserve better.
This also doesn't bode well for my real-life friendships. No one knows about the situation in my "real life" as yet; will I be able to maintain my friendships and not milk them dry? Or worse, will I become a draining person who just talks about how sad his life is and what a bitch his ex is?
I don't WANT that in my life.
I guess the struggle here is not just in the divorcing; it's in re-establishing who I am as a person and choosing who I want to be each day. It's in making better choices, taking the high road when I can and being in the darker emotions when it's time to wallow in them. Oh, and to eventually lose at least TEN pounds so women don't reject me outright when I take off my shirt....
So much ground to cover.
So, to my OS and online friends, I apologize in advance, please bear with me. There's a virtual sign on me that says "Construction in progress: Rough Road Ahead".
When the road smoothes....so will I.
Thanks for listening.