JANUARY 31, 2009 10:15PM

Divorceland: From the 18th Floor, Day 2

Rate: 15 Flag

Saturday night!

 So, here I am on the 18th floor...another night.  My son is snoring blissfully on the pull-out couch; the baby, who has NOT had a good afternoon (colic, anyone?) is sleeping in her car seat - I had to pick it up and swing her back and forth in the air until she finally conked out.  Whew.

 It was an odd day, full of remembrances, tension and, of course, texting.  Oh heavens, the texting.

I think I've got it figured out; my wife is a drama addict, and her girlfriend too.  If there's not some kind of drama, they don't feel ALIVE.  The texting helps ramp up that sense of urgency to life. 

This morning I came out of the shower to find my wife texting.  "You won't believe this, but I know now why it was better you came than gf", she said "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be texting but it's an emergency; the roof at their business is leaking, and I'm finding out the scoop". 

 "Hm." I said.  "Hope they have insurance".  She ended the conversation shortly after.  We grabbed breakfast, came back, hit Eaton Center.  It was a long 3 block walk...about -5 F with the wind chill, but I liked it.  As soon as we got into the mall, I heard the complaints about her ears being cold...thankfully, we had already arrived.

On the way, she had mentioned that she was nervous to take her homeopathic remedy for her eczema, because every time she took it some major life event happened.  I waited through her story, knowing that at the end was "and I took it right before this whole situation happened".  I was so frustrated that when she finally GOT to it I looked at her and went "DUN dun dunnnnnnn". 

She didn't speak to me for two blocks.

At this point, I've heard that a psychic predicted things were all going to fall apart around late December, her pendulum was saying the same thing (don't ask), and the tarot card reading were all pointing the same direction....and NOW we add the "remedy".  Oy.  I think I was justified.

Anyhow...when we got back to the hotel, the texting started again just a bit.  I raised my eyebrow, but got no response.  Then we all went down to the pool so oldest and I could swim while wife and baby hung out; and she was texting the whole time she was there, until the baby needed to go up and nurse.

An hour later oldest and I went up to the room, and she was still texting.  "I'm sorry, I'm just in the middle of a conversation, I'll be done in a minute" is what I heard.  This time, I turned on my heel and went into the other half of the suite, leaving her with both kids. 

About ten minutes later, she asked me if I could help with the baby; I walked in, picked her up and brought her back to the other side of the suite.  A minute later, wife finished her conversation and apologized; but then was spending lots of time in the bathroom each  time her phone went off. 

On her fourth or fifth trip, she said "oh, I have to go so much, I wonder why?"  My comment was "maybe y0ur phone is triggering your bladder".  She tried to laugh it off, but the point was made, and she stopped the bathroom trips, and the texting, almost immediately after. 

The rest of the afternoon, she was sweet and tender to me; being warm, touchy, thoughtful even.  I received a text from her when she got to the lecture thanking me for coming this weekend, that she couldn't have done it without me. 

So now the kids are asleep, wife's on her way back from the lecture...and I'm going to BED.  Hopefully tomorrow won't have as much drama.

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I know what you mean about the pendulum. One of my sisters used to be into the whole crystals-tarot-pendulum thing. Couldn't make a decision about which f'ing variety of potato chips to buy until she'd swung her pendulum over them all. I had to fight to keep from grabbing the damned thing and growling "Just make a decision, damnit!" Not because I was too polite, but because the resulting fight and weeks of silent treatment just wouldn't have been worth it. Thank heaven she's over that crap.
DS -- Two things: "if there isn't some sort of drama they're not alive." and "maybe y0ur phone is triggering your bladder". is asign that you're getting tire of the BS. Good for you. Hang in there, man.
Can't wait for the next installment of what I like to call "drama club." Who knows what that'll be. I hope you're going to get a good night's sleep. Her texting and whining and new age-y prattling are exhausting me even from a distance.
Hate to sound unsupportive... but, my god, this sounds like the worst trip ever. 18th floor? Don't jump. You get to go home tomorrow right? I suggest a texting ban for the drive home.
Usually only comment on writing, which is good as always. But, dude, you gotta put up some borders.
DS--how I wish I could send you the bricks and mortar you need to start building necessary walls.
SHE couldn't have done it without YOU???


but what part of that is about you?
oh hon, hard to believe I'm only 15 minutes away from you right now. Here's me sending hugs out from the Danforth!!!!!
*sigh*....You sure you don't want to re-thing that duplex idea?
I have tried to encourage remaining open to any possibilities for this relationship... but this is more than drama. She is rubbing your face in it, backing off just enough to avoid a blow out. They don't care much for how you feel with all of this texting. (Real drama would be to pitch the phone out the 18th floor window, but I am not advising that.) At this point, I would be concerned about the friendship AS WELL AS the marriage.
You MUST rethink this duplex idea.

Moving on...I read Tarot for fun for family and friends at the holidays, right? I'm good at it and its an interesting tool to get you thinking , and not much else, unless you want to enjoy the Jungian archetype symbolism , but I have lots of "crunchy" in me...even a little new age..., cuz I am witchy...but...the fact that she is prattling to you about how her fucking CARDS predicted this would happen....or rather, should I say, that she would fuck up in a toweringly stupid way, makes me want to throttle her.

I can see the two of you so easily. You, sweet, very different from her, but there is overlap in sexual openness and a desire to experience new things.

She, cute and arty and thinking herself very wild and into natural medicine and healthy food but still indulges a bit on the crap and maybe reads her Tarot for herself...something thats never a good idea, really....and I see you both together..I see it because I know you more than you might think....you two are friends of mine..people I know...people I understand.

Worst part? I see a lot of me in your wife.

Problem is that it was me at 16.

And that's the crux of it. Because there was no one more selfish and self absorbed in the world than me at 16...and you deserve so much better...

I know the kids come first, but PLEASE remember that you get to have a life too.

Also, if you want, I can come over and help her to quit texting. I can fix her phone.

With a bat.
AOK - yes...wife's not THAT bad with the pendulum now...but the damned thing couldn't even find my keys....

OEsheepdog - Thanks...I have to think this is progress somehow!

Coyote - "drama club"? Yeah, true. I slept all right...and yes, tiring PERIOD. Won't miss that...
Hi Wakingupslowly -

Well, not the BEST trip ever...but the food has been excellent, at least, and today we'll go to the Science Centre, which I love. I'm trying to look on the bright side...

Thanks much,

PS The windows don't open....
I effin' love Persephone.

And I gotta tell ya (though I may have before) that I agree with da bunch on the No Duplex idea. I doubt it will be healthy for the kids, since there's a good chance she's gonna be a-runnin' to you to fix every little thing that traumatizes her and they will have no escape from her drama. You will have no peace and your kids will need a peaceful place to lay their heads.

And the ban on texting on the way home- absolutamente.

Have an awesome time at the SC!
Not to judge, but your wife sounds like she's crossed the line from "colorful" into crazy.
Which reminds me of an excellent book that got me through my divorce back in 1989-90. I was the crazy one, then. Pretty certifiably insane. CRAZY TIME: SURVIVING DIVORCE by Abigail Trafford. (http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Time-Surviving-Divorce-Building/dp/0060923091)
The Tarot Cards, the obsessive texting, the OMG type of drama - sounds exactly like my 15 year old teenager.
The fact that you can laugh about it, write about it, and come up with zingers like "maybe your phone is triggering your bladder" proves to me that you're going to be Okay.
Love your posts.
HOORAY! Finally you are (maybe) starting to see what I've been telling you from the beginning. Go back and look at my comments, it's true! What have I been saying? BOUNDARIES. NO DUPLEX. You need to save YOURSELF so that there will be at least one grownup in this situation. Guess what? It ain't her!

Honey, seriously, get out. Now. NOW. NOW!!!!!! Before you start doing things you are going to regret. I understand and sympathize that this is a woman you've loved and shared a life with, such as it was. But it's over. You truly need to start thinking about moving out. Do it. DO IT.

And get a fucking lawyer for Christ sake!!!!!!

(PS: I heart Persephone too! What an accurate description - sweet Jeebus, your wife really is acting like a teenager!!)
Jane - I may not LIKE her all that much sometimes...but I don't hate her. There's lots of sides to the woman...most of them are very good.

VR - thanks. I'm molding the bricks out of sheer will. They take a bit longer, but they'll stack better...

Brian - the part where our son got to come along and we got to hit the pool together and truly enjoy some father and son time....plus great food. Oh, and the science centre. I got me time...but she definitely made out as well...

Thanks all for commenting.
Perhaps it is time to work with a professional on setting boundaries or you will be a human yo yo for a long long time.
Hi Caroline - I know...I was thinking of you! Maybe next time we can do an OS lunch... :)

Juliet - if it was just for me or for her, I would. For the kids...especially for the baby..I need the duplex. No worries, we'll be discussing this with the counselor.

Harp - Yeah, totally get your point of view. We had a big discussion about the whole issue this evening, and she apologized and explained herself. I'm not HAPPY...but I get it.

Thanks all for commenting.
Hi Persephone -

Yes, you've got quite a bit of it right. I'm quiet, fun, intense but easygoing, sexually open, etc...and she..doesn't know who she is.

That's the crux of it, in a lot of ways. She doesn't know who she is, which makes her act/appear to be psychologically 16. I went through the divination phase; it's a great party trick, but nothing to be relied on inherently...and yeah, ditto the "don't do your own cards" thing.

But I went through my divination phase when I was 19. New Age crystal-wearing man (hold the birkenstocks) back then, looking for myself.

Then I found myself. Done.

She hasn't done that...and at the end of this she'll have to. I'm glad.

Thank you so much for your kind words,


PS There was no texting today while I was present. Message was received.
Hi Jane again -

I have a lawyer if I need one. I also have a journal, including e-mails. It's cool

Besides that, she and I are not only going to joint counseling, but the joint counseling is also going to begin seeing her individually, knowing her psychological history. The woman is going to be treated...for a LONGGG time.

I need to be near my kids, especially the nursing baby. That's my bottom line, at least right now.

Thanks for the concern and thoughts,

Hi Ms. Bees -

Yeah, she's a peach :) . Going to say it again...I need the duplex to be near my nursing baby, most of all, and for my oldest to have more stability. Wife is going to counseling both solo and with me; the boundaries will be set.

That being said, I know it may not be my best move...but after a year when the divorce has moved into the "default conversion" and I've got no child support to pay and am in a better position, things can change.

We had a great time at the Science Centre...and there was NO texting on the ride home.

Hope you had a nice weekend :)

Thanks, Melissa Jo :) I'm trying to handle it the best I can...and I just think my wife is lost and grasping at straws. Hopefully she'll come out of this better, as I hope we all will.

I'll check out the book, in the meantime!
Hey Sciencechick?

Umm...tell me how you really feel? Don't hold back, now.... *grins*

I can't and won't move out yet. Not with a four month old. Nope. I need to (and am starting to) set boundaries. Yep. No question.

I WILL be separating and then divorcing, no question there.

The duplex is necessary...see my answer just above to ms. bees. We will be hashing it out to death with the counselors, believe me.

Thank you so much for your concern - I honestly and truly appreciate it.


PS I have a lawyer at a moment's notice lined up, should I need her.
Hi trishhelen - ABSOLUTELY. We have an appointment this week.

Thanks for commenting...

Hi Jane -

I DO have my own therapist, that I've been seeing for a couple years. He thinks it's a decent idea as long as the boundaries are set, and he also has a good grasp on wife's psychological issues.

I so hear your perspective; just remember that, despite wife's issues, she is a mother first and doesn't want to expose the kids to any additional trauma. She isn't even going to come out to our oldest for a GOOD long while, and her gf isn't going to be living there.

I just posted a new entry explaining my perspective about this.

Thank you very much for your concern...I really appreciate it.

What Persephone said.