Sometimes life throws you curve balls.
A few weeks ago, I went on a business trip for work. The chance for true relaxation, I thought. Spent some time with a friend out to dinner, got a couple great hugs, came back to a nice hotel room and rested.
I actually felt free. Free of the drama that's plagued my life since December and before, able to float and just breathe. It was so nice.
For some reason, though...I got really tired that night and went to sleep early.
When I woke up, things were...different. My eyes seemed swollen, and part of my vision, well, it wasn't there. It was like a crescent at the bottom of my eyes had just disappeared.
I'm not normally a doctor type, but I immediately went to the optometrist nearby, who gave me steroid drops. She said it just looked like an inflammation.
I started my 5 hour drive for home that morning, being extra careful because of my vision.
About two hours in, the feeling in my right hand went to pins and needles. Then pain, then numbness. Then back to pins and needles. I began to take more rest breaks. A pinched nerve, I figured. Latent stress, maybe.
Got home and rested that night....woke up and called my doctor. Incompetent that she is, she had me squeeze a ball over the phone, said "you didn't have a stroke, my office is closed until Tuesday, come see me then if you're still having symptoms", and that was that.
On Monday, I went to the urgent care. The gentleman there immediately sent me to the neurologist. Between Monday and Wednesday I had two long MRI's with dye, examinations, eye exams, and other tests.
I have multiple sclerosis. About 95% sure. I have five lesions on my brain, which pattern fits the MS diagnosis and also explains my symptoms.
I spent a week on IV and oral steroids. My vision is returning and will become clear. I'm waiting for the numbness and pins and needles to go away now, along with hopefully the fatigue to fade.
My hand for now either is numb, burning or freezing. It won't shut up. Part of my face is numb off and on, my foot as well. Even part of my tongue. It's all intermittent while the nerves heal up, they say.
I begin injections of Copaxone in the next couple weeks; the research is good that between this medicine and alternative medicine, I will make a complete recovery. Time will tell.
In the meantime, my former stbx has rallied around me. She is being supportive and we've agreed to table the divorce/separation until this crisis is handled. "You won't be alone", shes said.
Right now, I'm very grateful.
So that's the synopsis...we'll see what happens next.
Thanks for listening...
ds
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Dana Dangerous
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In the end, it'll all be ok.
xo
xo
I think we will be really good friends for the rest of our lives but it feels like we can't get on with that until the divorce is finalized--which will be a while.
My thoughts go out to you with this added challenge. Take care of yourself.
See? It's moments like THIS that convince me you've been absolutely, positively right this entire time, and that those who've advised you to be less generous, less understanding, less patient (harsher, firmer, crueler, more vindictive) with the stbx have been WRONG.
I love that you and stbx are committed to treating each other with loving kindness, even in the middle of all this pain.
So, your reward is, you won't be alone. That's huge.
You may not be "married" to her at some point in the future, but you'll never be alone.
You've earned this support.
Hugs to you and to her and to the kids.
Glad you have support. Scare me to death. I was once incorrectly diagnosed with MS. I am VERY glad to know that treatment is so much better now.
Much love to you.
I am so grateful your stbx is giving you such outstanding support, and I send peace, hugs and healing to you and yours.
dharma, thanks. Good wishes are most welcome :)
Roger, thanks much. We'll see what direction this goes, right?
Charles, thanks for sharing. Right now everything is in such disarray, the only prudent thing to do is wait.
Kellylark, thanks much :)
jane, (((you))), thanks :)
VR, thanks for the support, and hugs back to you as well :) Guess I might know a thing or two, hm? ;)
Persephone, yeah, fuck is about right. It's going to get better, though. Much love back :)
AshKW, thanks for the thoughts and support... :)
Yarn Over - thanks so much for the support, and yes, I'm hoping eventually to sail through this...and glad my stbx is being the supportive partner I need right now...
Thanks all!!!
ds
I am sad for you in this period. However, your concious choice in kindness to the stbx always helps. Even in this darkside moment. Glad for your support now. Be well.
Annie
Thanks much for the kind words...going to keep on it :)
ds
h-Julie - I will post as soon as I'm up to it, for sure. It's interesting.
sciencechick - yeah, right? well put ;)
Hi Karin - I'll collect that hug someday, promise. Left field is soooo apt. I will recover, yes :) More to come...xoxo
Hi luluandphobe - Thanks for the kind words, and yes, definitely it sucks AND thank heavens for new treatments...and for the wife for hanging in.
Hi MAWBlogging - Thank you...and yes, I'm grateful for the tabling...I need the help for now!
Siobhan, thanks for the thought and the comment.
JustJuli, I appreciate the healing thoughts and the sympathy, both :) Thank you!
Thanks all -
ds
"My hand for now either is numb, burning or freezing. It won't shut up. Part of my face is numb off and on, my foot as well. Even part of my tongue. "
How hard it must be to walk when you're feeling like that but you have to go to the grocery store. I think if more people could understand this, they'd be more understanding.
You raise good points. I will endeavor to write some posts about MS as I can.
One example right now...my right hand is burning like crazy, so I can't really type much. The fingers respond, but each keystroke aches.
I will continue as I can...thanks much,
ds
There are many symptoms of MS that masquerade as something else, and there are other symptoms that masquerade as MS but are something else. I counted up all the possible MS symptoms and told a doctor, and I was certain I had it. It can take years to get a diagnosis.
My vision has been restored and then optic neuritis attacked again, this time worse than before.
I did some more reading and discovered that optic neuritis is also caused by elevated blood pressure. I had a drinking problem some years back, and visits to the ER confirmed that my blood pressure was way out of control.
My vision has been restored again and I haven't had another attack since I quit drinking. So I wait and see, and hope for the best. I'm just a tad too old to be developing first symptoms now, so I'm remaining positive but always on the lookout for new symptoms. It was not just my eye that concerned me. I had had some incontinence, and a really bad spell of bipolar disorder which is now gone. Bipolar disorder doesn't just go away, but it did. I have numbness and tingling in my arms and hands.
It is a scary place to be, but with good medical care (do we have that in this country?), you can live well for a long, long time. I found a few message boards on the web for people who have or think they have MS, and there are LOTS of good people out there who are willing and able to help you with your concerns.
Thanks for sharing your story. Chin up! Sometimes it seems so shitty not to be able to forfeit your cards and ask for a redeal, but MS is not a death sentence, and most people live a full life with it.
let me know when you want chocolate to go with those hugs, k?
you know where to find me.
xo
Leslie, thanks for your story and I hope for your continued health :)
I'll take that chocolate ANYTIME, hon...with many huggles, please...
xoxo
ds
My heart and prayers are with you. Life is just so fragile, isn't it?
All the best to you. You are a person of courage; I can tell this from your writings.
Deb
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I hope the copaxone works as well for you as it has for so many others.
It is a good thing not to be alone. I'm glad to see that she will stand by you. Especially while you are adjusting to this new reality, it's so important to have a hand to hold.
Forgive me I am saying here more than can be said but the bottom line is bless you and your husband. Truly. It is the most radical change of consciousness when one faces the vulnerability of the flesh and the vulnerability of one that you love, Blessings upon blessings. Should you want to call don't hesitate (310)455-0301
sirenita, thank you. I'm grateful for small things right now.
grif, you got it. thanks much :)
Liz, thank you, and I shall definitely take care of myself...
poetTESS, I'm glad your sister has recovered so well! Hoping I will also be a poster child...
Lea, thank you :)
unusuallycoolweather, thank you so much for your words. There is much truth in what you're saying that resonates for me. I can't wait to find out what's next after I "recover", and get moving on!
Ablonde, good points. Hopefully people will never know I have it...eventually :)
Michael, I would be more a "brother", being male ;) Thank you for your story, and I look forward to reading your work.
Thanks all-
ds
What's an stbx?
OOOps! You most certainly not sister. Forgive my inattentive extensions of sisterly solidarity.
Reading your missives about the efforts to lovingly separate from your wife thus the context of the MS diagnosis
And yes holding your baby child. This is a life of human dimensions and truly what else could any of us want?
I separated from my first wife after 7 years and we raised our daughter tenderly between two households. Indeed my ex and I we were getting along so well I once suggested to Nicole (now 30) that we all live together and she refused! She liked being away from dad/ mom half the week! Again - life of human dimensions. MS has brought that to the fore. Diagnosed at age 47 I was accustomed to the oblivious vigor of a young man and now had to recognize how vulnerable and damned mortal we all are. This has been one of the many gifts of MS.
Extend my blessings to you wife, ds. And love up yr kids this fathers day.
Michael
I am in the process of writing a book on the topic of lifesaving treatments most doctors don't know about (or may not tell you about, even if they do know about them). One of the treatments I am writing about is called Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN), and many MS patients have had outstanding results with it. There is an article on my website that tells about LDN at http://tinyurl.com/cspj99 . And there are two websites I'd highly recommend that have lots of excellent information about it. They are www.lowdosenaltrexone.org and www.ldners.org.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you!
Julia Schopick
www.HonestMedicine.com
Best of luck, don't allow it to steal your joy.
As I was divorcing and moving out of our home, I suffered a 9-ft fall that resulted in 2 total-knee replacements and 2 ankle reconstructions. The whole procedure took 5 yrs.
During that time I also had to cope w/the recovery process, as well as caring for my ailing mother and fighting w/siblings who were robbing her blind. The contested guardianship is something I'm still recovering from.
My point is, these things, like yours, are very often tests of faith. Perhaps if you look at your diagnosis in that context, you may be better able to overcome the plethora of emotions that must be tearing at you right now.
For whatever reason, it (MS) happened to you. Your treatment is set, and STBX will stand by you. That should mitigate any bitterness you now feel.
This too shall pass, and once again you'll own your life again. Know that you do have love in your life--all of us here care, as you can read in these posts--and you'll press ahead.
Inkie, thanks for pointing out the choice. STBX = soon to be ex.
Steve, thanks and I hope your parkinson's arrests and remits.
Michael, no worries. Blessings to you as well.
Julia, thanks for the lead, I'll do some research.
TS, my joy will rise to the top. Keep fighting the good fight.
elsma, OUCH! Tests of faith indeed. I shall press on.
cindy, yeah, kind of poached right now. we'll get back to the separating...but it's tabled for now. still, could be SOOO much worse.
Lisa, thank you. I hope your life improves too :) Mine is definitely going to get better..
thanks all for commenting,
ds