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AUGUST 21, 2009 11:32AM

Divorceland: Patience and wanting to kick a cat.

Rate: 18 Flag

The tension is mounting.

As the time of putting the house on the market gets closer, I am realizing just how much work there is to be done, and how much OF that work is falling on my shoulders.

We had a handyman come look at the house on Tuesday; he is supposed to give us a detailed estimate of how much it'll cost to get the house ready today.  I'm hoping we can afford his services.

On top of that, there are closets to be emptied, a basement to be sorted, cleaned, and construction materials to be moved to the garage.  I have rooms to pack and stage for the open house to come, tubs to scrub and paint, and other assorted items on my list.

This is, of course, in addition to my "day job" and preparing my son's school computers (my second job) for the school year.  Between the two jobs, we're talking 50 hours a week right now, and I'm also taking care of both children most nights when I get home and an hour before I go to work.

My STBX is trying to get her small business off the ground and is watching the baby.  In addition, she's got nighttime duty with the baby, since I obviously don't nurse. 

 That's it for her.  She's not helping clean the house, not emptying any closets, not doing anything at this point to help with the move.  I know EVENTUALLY she'll have to start packing boxes, discarding clothes, etc.; however, right now it's all on me.

Am I being patient?  Yes, pretty much.  I get frustrated when I can't get as much done in a night as I'd like to, and I'm more tired than I used to be, largely because I'm still healing up from the MS flare.  Still, I have a basic timetable and know I can get most of the house ready in time.

So what set me off?  Well, it was something small.  I picked up the vegetables and fruits from our farm share yesterday (my wife was at a small business event she needed to go to), and came home to a refrigerator full of spoiled, uncleaned food that I needed to put all the fresh stuff in.  In the meantime, the baby was crying and there were fruit flies in the kitchen.

So I tossed a bunch of nasty food into the sink with the other dishes(noone had emptied the dishwasher), made sure the stuff got into the fridge, fed the baby (who's teething and having a rough go of it), got the baby to sleep, and went about cleaning a couple boxes for the move.

And I promptly forgot about cleaning the rest of the fridge and sorting it all out.

About 10:00 my STBX, already grumpy from her lack of success at the meeting, opens the fridge and starts going off on me about how I didn't put the stuff away right when she asked, how I'm not responsible, that I'm not going to feed the kids well and I'm not helping enough, etc.

This goes on for HALF an HOUR.  I didn't say a word, just walked into the other room a few times, listening to the ranting going on from a distance.

Finally she stops and says "do you have anything to say for yourself"?  I smile and say "I was rushed, the baby was wailing and there were fruit flies everywhere, and I forgot afterwards".

Wrong thing to say, because it led to ANOTHER lecture about how she has to deal with all this stuff every week and how I must have forgotten because it wasn't important to me...and she was off again.  I left the room.

About 15 minutes later, she said good night and went to bed.  I stayed up another hour to breathe and then hit the sack, because I would have kicked a cat at that point if it had purred at me.

 Today I'm bringing the kids with me to see my parents for the weekend.  I wonder if my STBX will do any cleaning or packing while I'm away?

For that matter, since she's never wanted to learn how to pay bills (she tried once, said it was too tough, gave it back to me), empty garbage, clean toilets and bathtubs, or do anything in the basement...I wonder how she's going to handle that once we move.

No matter what, the move will be on in a couple months, and the house goes up for sale soon.

With the exception of the kids, it can't be soon enough at this point.


Thanks for listening,








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People don't change so I wouldn't wonder too much if she will. But you will now have the time and opportunity to focus more on yourself.

My husband is in the middle of a terrible MS flare with trigeminal neuralgia. I'm glad your flare is over. Be well.
MS -- If you look back at your earlier posts you'll be amazed at how you've been able to navigate these trouble waters. Maybe if your STBX realized that you can ask more money for the house if it's fixed up , she might pitch in. Rated.
Deborah - Thanks, I agree with you. I hope your husband recovers quickly from his flare. Do you know about acetyl l-carnitine for fatigue? Is he taking evening primrose oil?

OE - yes, true. I honestly don't think she realizes much; that is to say, her realizations seem to be temporary ones.

Thanks much,

I just found your blog and spent the last hour and a half reading back through all of your posts. Wow. You are an amazing man. I hope you know that.
Now that I know you're here, I'll be following along. I've met the most astounding people on OS.
Hope you and your kids have a great, relaxing weekend with your parents.

Is it possible $$ly to hire someone to help w/these chores? Pay them an hourly wage. It seems to me that even 2-3 hrs might save you volumes in time and especially psychic and physical wear-and-tear.

Some college students may be willing to do anything like household chores. It'll cost, but the price may be paltry compared to the annoyance and physical discomfort now extant--to say nothing of the distraction from the kids and all the tasks at hand.

Just remember--once it's done and you're moved, then it's over and everyone can get back to their regular-scheduled lives.
Sorry about all this, DS. :-(
I think I applaud your patience, but I worry about the stress you must be internalizing. I hope it helped a little to write it out here anyway. It can't be soon enough for sure! Thanks for checking in.
I appreciate your patience, DS, but sometimes your patience doesn't serve you. Make sure you're far enough from the kids, and yell in a thick, fluffy pillow. Or pound on the pillow. Something to get it out. Writing's good, but if you have made the decision not to let her know how selfish her rampage is, then physically your body is yearning for anger release. Or as someone above said, it is internalizing and making you sicker. And that IS NOT OPTIMAL. So let's get physical, DS! Delaying the physicality until it is convenient doesn't really help the immediate need. I wish I had more ideas for you.
Well now you know why she's your STBX, right? (Of course, you already knew, but there's always that last nail.)

I can relate, although it was the STBXH that didn't do any of the handyman stuff to help get the house on the market. He was already gone....but he wanted half of whatever we got....but I paid the handymen. anyway. Life's not fair. It will never be fair. Enjoy your children and look forward to the "peace"....it's coming!
I'm sorry, ds. This bites.

Just keep forward to getting out and getting some freedom from her ongoing behavior. It won't ever be fair, her responses and actions, but... it's what you have to deal with.

Wishing you well, and peace.
Sounds like a hectic time for both of you, exspecially you.

I once read a list of the top "stressers" and even though death of a family menber rated number one, I think divorce was number two, moving was number three, and Job changes followed closely.

Thanks for sharing.
He was admitted to the hospital tonight. They have him on steroids and morphine, neither of which are helping yet. It is discouraging.
Hi folks -

Wow, take a day to travel and miss a lot, evidently. My apologies.

Unbreakable - Thank you for the compliment! I'm honored that anyone would spend that much time reading my story.

Elsma - I wish we had that cash. We're going to be spending it all on the handymen to fix up the house. Still, if there's any left over, it's a great idea. I so can't wait for the regularly scheduled life...Thanks!

VR - Thanks, me too...hope you're doing well :) (hugs)

Kellylark - Thanks for appreciating the check-in! I'm a bit worried myself about the stress, but at least I'm seeing a counselor, which does help a bit. Once it's all over, I plan on taking some solid decompression and relaxation time...and I'm working on some new music now, which helps as well. Thanks for caring and thinking about it.

Brian - No other way to go, thanks. Hope the sail and the mast holds.

Annimal - Yes, I agree. Laughter helps too - I was describing the situation to a co-worker (just the ranting part), and her comment wwas "what do you expect? She's a selfish, self-centered controlling BITCH!" I cracked up, gave her a hug, and felt a lot better as I went through my day. Also, car rides are great for yelling it out, so I need to do it more. Thanks for thinking of me.

John, you SURE make a good point. STBX, STBX, STBX. Thanks.

grif - ((you)) thanks, man.

trilogy - I'm sorry you can relate. The odd thing is that I maintain that life WILL be fair, and life in fact is inherently good, even so. Delusional? Maybe. Optimistic? Perhaps. Still, good change will come eventually. I hope that everything in your world turned out for the best.

Hey wakingup :) Thanks, hon. Yes, it does bite. There's so much stress I can taste it some days, but I can't wait to be free. What I have to keep understanding is that she's not predictable...it helps some. Hope you're doing well and taking good care of yourself :)

tai - Wow, I've got two out of three already? It's amazing I'm standing ;) Thanks for listening.

Deborah - the steroids usually take effect within a couple days. I will send him good thoughts. Please keep me updated.

Thank you all for commenting, I truly appreciate each one -

Life will be soooo much sweeter when she's gone, to put it bluntly. Hang in there, bite your tongue. Remain on good terms with the cats. Take a few minutes and sit down with a purring cat on your lap.

Don't take the bait she's dropping on your nose. Remain as calm and quiet as possible.
Hi Gordon - Thanks for the thoughts. I'm holding my tongue and trying to stay calm, even in the midst of utter nonsense.

In a matter of months, I'll be "free"...or at least free-ER.

Thanks again,

But your being civil so many aren't. I love this place because of people like you who show that good still exists. You are a good man going through a diffucult time and I am glad you have a place to go for love. It sounds like your new journey is about to begin!
Hi Lunchlady2 -

Thanks much. I'm doing my best in the situation, and I'm grateful for every person who gives support and love and/or friendship, especially now.

Thanks for commenting,

Sounds like your stbx is hell on wheels. Just remember the immortal words of little Ike from South Park - "Don't kick the Baby!"... He/she will be your best friend in the coming days.
Hi Darryl...

Yes, she can be something all right. I'll bear that in mind...trying to keep a calm head about me in the midst of chaos.

Thanks for commenting...

I was referring to your cat, of course.
Hi folks -

Darryl - ha!

JK - Thanks...I can't wait until it gets better...

Thanks for commenting,