I feel the need to respond more fully than in a comment box to Elizabeth's brave and thoughtful post, so I'm going to take the opportunity to pop my virtual head up here.
Before I begin, I want to say that I am NOT bashing Elizabeth in any way or form; I admire her courage in posting and her thoughtful insights.
Now on with the show.
As my STBX moves into the world of Lesbian bars on a Saturday night and dancing/making out with new potential partners, I find myself reflecting on the life I thought I knew and what I'm left with emotionally.
Her claim is that she's basically bisexual, and being familiar with the Kinsey scale, I actually think she's more skewed towards women, but just happened to find one of the few men who has enough "female" emotional qualities to make an actual marriage work. For a while, that is.
Emotionally I find myself scarred by her coming out now. I question my desirability as a partner AND as a man.
There's a bizarre mix of relief and envy when she attracts a new person into her life. Relief both in that she's being true to herself and in that I no longer have to live firsthand this dance of closeted infidelity she had involved me in, and envy that she has greater ease than I in moving on, that I continue and will continue to be alone until I am fully comfortable to open up and date again.
Back when I first discovered STBX's affair with her girlfriend, I was asked if I could live with her having both of us. My answer was no, for many reasons, among them the fact that our monogamous marriage had obviously been a sham, and I wanted to be THE partner, not one of two.
I didn't want to be half physically of what she wanted for her life; I wanted to be what she wanted period.
This story, and others like them, are one of the reasons bisexuals get such a bum rap. It's those of us left behind after with broken hearts and punctured egos, who have to re-learn what their own attractiveness is and regain the strength to venture out into the dating world.
Would I ever date a bisexual woman again? I honestly don't know. I do know that I'll be much happier if a woman I'm dating is straight, for sure. It's one less thing to deal with in the long term.
I do know, however, that unless the woman is rock solid in choosing "one side or the other", I'm not opening my heart again. I won't be half a partner to anyone, including myself.
I hope this clarifies some of the stigma from the "other side"...and I DO wish you well, Elizabeth. As I said in the comment on your post, if everyone could just express their gender preference, it would be a better world.
Thanks for reading -
ds
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What I'm saying is that her selfish desires have NOTHING to do with bisexuality. I'm not sure why my sexual orientation gets the 'unfaithful whore' label, when the other groups have plenty of people who can't hold to their vows, and the entire group does not get tarred with the same brush?
I am also bisexual. And I don't know the backstory to what u wrote about, bec of the limbo- state. But I would never ask anyone to be involved in messy threes. One person always will feel less than, or left out, or not enough, unless they have self confidence the size of Alaska. I am about monogamy. Emotional and physical. For me, personally, I cycle thru times when I am attracted to men, and I cycle through times when I am attracted to women. Right now I'm jonesing for men again, even tho the divorce still isn't complete! I have no real control over this, that I can discern.
I wish u all the best health, love, family, spirit, DS. I can only believe you will be happier without her, and find your way in the light of your Highest Good in the coming days. Deepest bows, Annie
I think it's because of a lack of understanding, on the one hand (ie. how can someone be interested in BOTH genders...), and it's because you hear more about the selfishness as a representation of the bisexuality.
Personally, I agree with you that her selfishness was/is rooted in far deeper events, but because it manifested through her bisexuality and has affected me that way, it's hard not to point to it sometime.
I'm not tarring anyone, myself...just pointing out some factors that lead to the brush getting coated.
Hope you're well -
ds
I'm sorry you've been in limbo, and I hope it resolves soon.
I think it's the 'cycling' that makes me hesitant to be involved again with a bisexual woman, honestly, even if monogamy is the watchword of the relationship. To have a partner who isn't into me for a while during the relationship because she's looking at the hot girls walking down the street isn't what I've signed up for, you know?
Control over it isn't the issue...I think sexuality for some is just fluid, and that's great...there is someone out there for everyone!
I wish you the utmost happiness as well...and hope that your life brings you nothing but joy and clarity.
Best,
ds
My point of commenting earlier wasn't to be negative, although reading through it, it reads pretty frustrated. I just don't get why with bisexuals society blames the sexuality, and with hets or homos we blame the person for their lack of faithfulness. I've never understood that dichotomy, and your post brought it to the forefront of my thoughts.
I guess my biggest confusion is why if your partner runs off with another woman vs another man it hurts more? Not saying it should hurt less, but why doesn't it hurt equally? And it doesn't hurt equally- not to me either. Karen and I are divorced and still living together and she's dating men and couples now (and sleeping with them). This does not make me nearly as jealous and emotionally squished as a simple crush she had on a female student a few years back. I'm not sure why it matters which sex the third party is, but it obviously does. For me, the opposite sex is less threatening, for most it seems, it's more threatening. Either way, there still is a difference made by sex, and I wonder why?
I'm sorry to hear about you and Karen. For what it's worth, I think it matters DIFFERENTLY by same-sex v. other-sex affairs, but they both hurt. For me I had the comfort of knowing that there was nothing I could have given differently, because I'm male equipped...and the insecurity of knowing that same thing.
Bisexuals are less understood by definition, so it becomes easier to blame the sexuality instead of the person, I think?
Cheating HURTS, no matter "who" your partner is cheating with. I can truly understand you not wanting to be "just one of three" For some people, that works, for others its doesn't and people end up being hurt.
Please, my friend, don't question your own attractiveness or worth because of your ex's choices. YOU deserve love and happiness and I promise you will find it!
Hugs, DS.
Yes, I agree...for some it does work...but I think for most it doesn't, honestly.
I'm trying not to question, but it's going to take some time. Thank you, though...I do hope I find what I truly want and desire in the long run!
Hope that you are very well!
*hugs*
ds
"As my STBX moves into the world of Lesbian bars on a Saturday night and dancing/making out with new potential partners, I find myself reflecting on the life I thought I knew and what I'm left with emotionally."
"Emotionally I find myself scarred by her coming out now. I question my desirability as a partner AND as a man.
"There's a bizarre mix of relief and envy when she attracts a new person into her life. Relief both in that she's being true to herself and in that I no longer have to live firsthand this dance of closeted infidelity she had involved me in, and envy that she has greater ease than I in moving on, that I continue and will continue to be alone until I am fully comfortable to open up and date again."
My man, these are YOUR remarks--and the greatest argument against that duplex.
Not to beat that dead horse again, but I can't imagine how you'll ever move on once STBX brings her sex life-on-parade right in your face. You know she has trouble w/boundaries, so don't count on her respecting any. YOUR boundaries do not equate as HER OWN.
Just saying. You know all of us here, myself included, want the best for you. It's just that I can't believe you'll give yourself the proper opportunity to heal and move on from the open wound that is divorce, if STBX is still around you, 24/7 under the same roof if not in the same bed, to rub salt on the wound.
I know. Just remember, I'm mainly doing the duplex for the kids, and I will have an actual DOOR to close. That'll help.
Plus I may wind up dating as well....
Thanks much,
ds
Just curious:
"As my STBX moves into the world of Lesbian bars on a Saturday night and dancing/making out with new potential partners..."
Then who's babysitting? And who will babysit when YOU want to go out on Sat nite? What if you want to go out EVERY Sat nite?
Have you asked yet? And will STBX respect that?
I still feel separate residences, side by side, might be a more realistic solution. She's already moved on, leaving you w/your doubts--and not just about your dating quotients--b/c she's already living life on her terms w/out your input about what your schedule/ thoughts/desires may be.
I may be off-base here; you know the particulars, of course. It's just that your post describes a situation that's way too skewed toward HER convenience.
Again--I still believe a door will hardly be enough of a boundary for STBX--especially if you bring a woman home for the nite when STBX is between GFs. (I'd buy tickets for that show!)
Just saying.
Actually, we've established our "nights" of the week, and I do have my nights now to go out. We're still squabbling over sleep times in the morning, but that's a different issue.
If it was fiscally possible to live side-by-side, I'd do it, no question. Since it's not, this is the next best option, and best for my kids.
H0pe all's well for you -
ds
Fondly, Angela
"I guess my biggest confusion is why if your partner runs off with another woman vs another man it hurts more? Not saying it should hurt less, but why doesn't it hurt equally?"
After 13 years and 2 kids my first wife left me for another woman. My second wife just left. Anyway, to me, my first wife hurt less.
This is going to sound to simple, but it's not meant to be. If she had left for DS, I could compete with him. I've got what he has and can give her what she wants. Why she would want his over mine is the unknown.
If she left for you, I couldn't do anything about it. I don't feel like a woman, smell like a woman, respond like a woman etc. You have what she wants and there is no way I can give it to her no matter how hard I try.
Please tell me that made sense.
Thanks for checking in - I hope that your situation is working out all right for you.
That doesn't seem odd at all, thank you!
I'm sure that some day I'll open up again...in the right time :)
Best,
ds