How difficult it is to have honor.
I will not out my stbx. I won't. I've seen my friends struggle with their sexuality, struggle to decide who to tell and who not to reveal themselves too. To out her would be wrong, it's her decision to make.
That being said, I didn't realize how NOT outing her would make my life so much harder too.
During the past two weeks, I've been in social situations twice where I've had to explain to a woman my living situation, and how it will change soon. I've handled it pretty well, I thought...and then one woman didn't return my follow-up e-mail, and the other responded with "ah, well, that's really admirable...so you'll need someone who has a nice place so you can stay at her house, huh?" Needless to say, I didn't get her number...
It would be so much easier to just say "look, my stbx likes women now, and we don't sleep in the same bed, let alone be carnal together. In point of fact, should you be interested, you're probably going to get tremendous loving attention."
On one level, I might get sympathy, as the man who lost his wife to another woman. That's not what I'm looking for, however.
What I'm looking for is a fair playing field, for empathy and understanding. To be able to say "hey, I don't need sympathy, but there's no threat here, it's all ok, and I'm moving on in a clear and thoughtful manner".
Until my stbx comes out, I will hold onto her secret. I will conduct myself with honor and dignity, even if that means my dating life will be signficantly more complicated.
On the day she comes out, however...I'll be happy for her AND me.
Thanks for listening.
ds
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Thinking of you, ds.
ds
but god, my wish to slap your wife has not wavered at any point.
Lija, thank you :) Time will tell....
Jane, you made me chuckle with that. For me, it's just the road...
I don't see much honor here.
Also, I can't believe that women don't already know.
However, you never want to do the dirty work yourself.
Or, just practice saying it a different way. A way that communicates ten times more than is said. Or hit on one (or all) of stbx's women friends that aren't still on the hetero team.
Dude, it isn't THAT hard.
Anyway, I see lots of stuff here. Enough angst for the neighborhood. People trying, etc. And not seeing honor doesn't mean I am seeing dishonor, just something else. More needless suffering. Sorry for your pain. Just man up.
Is there a reason you can't generically say "my wife met someone else?"
Roger, thanks...I'm hoping for that the next time around! Glad you found it...
Nick, yeah, not so much, but thanks for commenting. If I 'manned up' any more, I'd have cojones the size of cannonballs.
Brian, you know...that's a good point! I'll have to give that a shot.
Rita, thank you...I appreciate your comments, and nice to know women like you are out there!
Thanks all for commenting...
ds
(sorry to be so blunt)
sending positive energy to you.
You are a very nice man. I know you'll meet someone terrific. I bet when you do, if she's not come out and dealt with her stuff, you have to deal with her jealousy. Game, games ... your soon to be ex needs to grow up; I hope you don't mind me saying that.
Steven - thanks! I'll find a balance there soon, I hope...
Cymraeg - I'm hanging...and sure, let's form a line, hm?
odetteroulette - she hasn't come out to anyone other than a couple of her friends at this point, and even that's limited. She doesn't even like me talking about the SEPARATION to people in the neighborhood right now, because she's worried it'll get back to our son (who will be told this upcoming weekend, btw), as if grown-ups are going to say to an eight year old "so, I heard your parents are splitting up..."?
Yes, I concur, she needs to grow up, honestly. I swear her actions and language can be so adolescent at times, it's like dealing with a fifteen year old. So kick away...
Thanks all for commenting...
ds
I think you just need to come up with a non-TMI simple statement of fact about the impending life transition. Strangers and near-strangers (which is what dates are, by definition) aren't owed an intricate blow-by-blow.
When people ask why I'm getting unmarried to such a great guy (I am, and he is) I just say something to the effect that we concluded we're better friends than spouses. Which is absolutely true. No need to get into anything deeper.
You can borrow and adapt that phrase if you like. Better coparents than spouses. Whatever works that's still honest, but isn't too much information.
Good luck, DS.
Hey VR! You know, that's a good idea. I think I'm so used to providing TMI that I've been stuck there. Time to practice a new boundary there too, I guess. And I like the phrase...
Congrats on the run, btw!
AshKW - thanks so much for both comments :)
Best,
ds
The problem is, you're not ready yet.
I think you're reacting to STBX's already-foregone conclusion that, the marriage is dead. You're following suit, however clumsily, but w/more honor than she has shown, now or ever. But what you're doing is TMI, and it's unnecessary. I agree w/Brian B; "she met someone else" is enough explanation.
Let STBX do her own thing for now. The official Break is coming (isn't it? you don't mention the date of the final decree). Once it does, you're both in the clear--and no need for TMI.
PS You may also be out of practice, hence the TMI. Again, once the Break is final, you're free to say anything you like--but Brian B's suggestion would suffice, I think.