I assume you're like me and get all of your news from US magazine's celebrity news site, knowing full well it's "Everything You Need To Know ... Right Now!"  (Couldn't be truer!)  Well then you probably already know that David Duchovny checked himself in to treatment for sex addiction about a month ago.  And you might have heard that he's now reportedly 'doing really well.'   This is good because his show 'Californication' is set to return on Showtime next week and there's bound to be appearances he'll have to make to plug the new season.

Now the one thing I found sort of fascinating about this whole thing is that Duchovny plays a sex addict on the show. 

How's that?  I'm sorry, you said he plays a ...

Yes, you heard me correctly interrupting guy... he plays a sex addict.

That's a heck of a coincidence.  So I've come up with three possible scenarios that could've led to Duchovny playing a sex addict on television, keeping in mind that he himself is a sex addict:

Scenario 1) Duchovny only became addicted to sex after the show began.  He slowly became consumed in the role of ... one moment, checking IMDb... role of Hank Moody, a sex-crazed writer.  The sexy-time-craziness seeped into his soul through numerous rehearsals and scenes and Duchovny was an unwilling slave to his art.  Or he was willing and in what may be the quintessential example of method acting, Duchovny needed to become addicted to sex to make the character work.  Fuck you, Bobby DeNiro.

Scenario 1 seems unlikely to me.  And not that funny.  Let's move on.

Scenario 2) Duchovny knew he was a sex addict and did his damdnest to get to play one on teevee.  He could've heard about the script and actively sought out the role or he turned the character into a sex addict by dropping suggestions during pre-production.  Heck, he's got some Hollywood clout... he could've helped develop the whole show from the ground up just as a vehicle to sate his sex-addled brain. 

Whatever the case, scenario 2 is all about the coincidence actually being a pre-meditated action on Duchovny's part.  This is less interesting than Scenario 1.

Now the scenario that I like to think happened is...

Scenario 3) Duchovny knew he was a sex addict (likely) and hadn't heard anything about the show or main character (also quite possible) and someone... an assistant, his agent, The Smoking Man... brought it to his attention.

For the sake of simplicity we'll say it was his agent.  And I imagine it went something like...

David Duchovny is sitting at home thinking about sex.  The phone rings.

DAVID: Hello?

AGENT: Hi, David.

DAVID: Hello, my agent.

AGENT: What are you doing?

DAVID: I'm thinking about...  I'm running on a treadmill.

AGENT:  Well stop, I've got some news I want to share with you.

DAVID: Ok.  There, I've stopped running on a treadmill.

AGENT: Showtime just sent a script over for a pilot they're developing.  They think you'd be great for the starring role.

DAVID: C'mon, my agent.  What did I say?  No more television, we've been there done that.  It's the big screen or nothing at all.

AGENT: The script is really good.  Plus, nobody wants to see you in movies.  Remember 'Evolution'?

DAVID: No.

AGENT:  Exactly. And Showtime has become really respectable.  Their right on the heels of HBO, further away from their Cinemax-esque beginnings.

DAVID (mumbling): I wish it was Cinemax...

AGENT: What's that?

DAVID: Nothing.  Alright, who's this guy I play?

AGENT: His name is Hank Moody and he's a struggling writer.

DAVID: Oh, we haven't seen that before.  I'm so sick of these struggling writers writing about struggling writers.

AGENT: Just hear me out, David, it's a solid part.  Now he's trying to juggle his career along with his relationships with his daughter and ex-girlfriend...

DAVID: Snooze.

AGENT: ... and his appetite for beautiful women.

DAVID: So you think they need me to audition or can we just start shooting this weekend?

Or not.  Looks like Scenario 2 is probably the winner.  Further research shows Duchovny also played a sex addict in the film 'Trust The Man', starred in 'Red Shoe Diaries' and Soderbergh's 'Full Frontal', and did a guest spot on something called 'Sex and the City'. 

What a perv.

Have to close with a mention of Lillo Brancato Jr., the Sopranos actor about to be on trial for murder, if only to reinforce today's theme of actors and the disturbing similarities between their real lives and the roles they play.

Duchovny is a sex addict in real life and on the boob tube.  Sopranos actors are accomplices to murder.  What's next?  If Evangeline Lilly gets stranded on a deserted isle, I'm ... well, I'm finding that isle.

And these similarities are the main reason I've held off pursuing my acting career until my script gets optioned.  It's called "The Greatest Man On Earth".  I would play the lead character, Lucky Awesome, an astronaut millionaire who moonlights as an NBA all-star.  In the script, Lucky brings peace to mankind through his tireless charity work, dazzling behind-the-back passes and sardonic wit.  The nations of the world unite and declare him The All-Emperor and he eventually settles down with Natalie Portman on their 116,000-square mile estate, formerly known as Italy.  It's a comin-of-ager with a dash of romance and space exploration.  Fingers crossed.

The over/under on number of times I would write 'boob tube' in this post was three.  I'm an oak.