What could possibly be more angst-filled than seventh grade? Puberty exacting its cruel agenda: passions soaring, pimples sprouting, the wild highs, the darkest depression. (Hmm. Sounds a lot like menopause.)
Here is the second of three installments from my memoir-in-progress, Where Is Luv? A Teenager's Diary of Hope, Passion, and Total Confusion.
The story begins here: http://www.open.salon.com/blog/debfeb/2010/02/08/valentines_diary_1967February 17, 1967: HAPPIEST DAY EVER!
Diary, diary!! SO much has happened I can’t explain it all! At the JV basketball game tonight, Mark sat near Vicki right away and I was positive Jon didn’t like me because he wasn’t sitting beside me. Well, I found out that Seeley would sit next to me in the VARSITY game. I was so happy! So about halfway through he reached behind me and his arm landed on my shoulder and it made me nearly cracky BUT I tried to remain very natural.
Then I glanced back and Mark had his arm around Vicki but Vicki looked petrified. Then (I think rather too obviously) I gradually (but I mean gradually) put my hand on his left leg and he took my hand. So my right hand was in his right hand and his left arm was around my back. This lasted for around 20 minutes. (Did I have bad breath? I hope not!!)
Then the game ended and I walked out beside him—no hand holding. So Jon puts his right arm around me, from the left. Then I put my left arm around his waist (his was around my shoulder). Then, as we were approaching the place where Paulette’s parents were supposed to pick us up, he stopped and GET THIS, in front (practically) of everyone AND YET under a street light he came real close to me, kissed me (movie-style) for SIX seconds, and said, “Well, goodbye!” I said, “Goodnite.”
Then I went (rather floated) into the car, plopped myself on Vicki’s lap and started crying! Don’t ask me why, but, oh, I don’t know whether I was happy or sad. I was happy—very happy, but I was very displeased with myself. I have these TERRIBLE visions that he’ll hate me cause he thinks I’m too fast and that the girls will all despise me because I act too stuck up (but who wouldn’t?).
I hope everything turns out hunky dorey. But I’ve promised myself that NEXT TIME, if there is one, I will be able to say no. At my party next week, which he will come to, I will (if he still likes me) probably make out with him. God, keep us together! Please, more than anything, don’t let me get a WORSE reputation. Please? Make me act right! Give me a guide, please!! I wonder if Jon will call me tonite. I’ll be home alone—oh, I hope so!!
The more I think about what happened, the more scared and unsteady I seem or feel. I’m scared about Monday, not only about the kids but the way I’ll have to face Seeley!! How? And I’m unsteady because THIS time he didn’t give me the time to say “no” practically, so what’s gonna happen next time?? I will say “no” to everything except movie-kissing and arm and hands. If you try something, forget it, Jon! I’m especially wondering what Seeley really thinks of ME! Does he think I’m fast or does he like me for my self. I’ve got to know, but who can I ask?
I will try not to make a thing out of this. “Whatever will be will be” as they say. I’ll ignore the kids in school and try, try, try to remain natural and confident with Jon. Oh Lord, I’ve got to keep him! I really respect (if that’s the word) and like Jon!
Goodbye (as Jon said—did he mean forever?)
Today Jon and I went to see The Battle of the Bulge [a World War II film]. It was good. When there was a scary part, I would squeeze his hand and he would squeeze back. Then, when the sergeant kissed the girl, Jon put his head next to mine and said, “Will you go steady with me, Debbie? Will you?” And I sighed inside and said, “Oh, Jon. Not yet!” Then to make him sure that I liked him, I leaned my head against his shoulder. There was no response. Then, I guess after he had thought about it, he was “petting” my right arm with his right hand. He wasn’t moving his arm or anything. Just his hand—mostly his thumb. It made me feel wanted!
Then, after 2 1/2 hours, the movie was over. We hadn’t changed positions the whole time! All in all, I can act perfectly natural with him. I don’t have to make like I’m real tough with him or anything! I’m not sure if that is good or not—my naturalness. I heard myself talking dully. I hope he likes me.
Stay tuned for the conclusion on February 12. Will Jon ask me to go steady, again? Will I say yes? Will LUV prevail or am I doomed to eternal despair?