I called 24 Hour Fitness yesterday to find out if they were open so I could go work out. I got their Automated Customer Service. No human being would answer, just an endless loop of an insultingly-happy female voice who could not or would not answer my question.

"Hi, you've reached 24 Hour Fitness. We updated our automated customer service so please listen closely for your choices:

• If you want our address and directions, please press one.
• If you want to become a new member, please press two.
• If you want the real story behind Sarah Palin's resignation, please press three.
• If you are a vegetarian or want to become one, please press four.
• If you eat meat and wear fur, please hold.
• If you are not on speaking terms with your mother, please press five.
• If you have given up your lifes dreams in order to work 40 hours a week in a cubicle, please press six.
• If you are an alcoholic, or know somebody who is, please press seven.
• If you suffer tremendous guilt over your parenting skills, please press eight.
• If you are a personal friend of Michelle Obama's, please press nine.
• If you are afraid of crowds, eating lunch, spiders or men with no teeth, please hang up.
• If you are unemployed or about to be laid off, please hang up.
• If you've already had swine flu, please press ten.
• If you have a ticket to the Michael Jackson Memorial Service please press 0 for a representative.
• If you have yet to create a Living Trust, please hold.
• If you've ever had a bad experience flying, please press eleven.