I asked for a defibrillator for Christmas.

I wanted to hang it in the kitchen so when I go into cardiac arrest somebody could grab it, apply it to my chest and shock me back into life so I can live to enjoy another New Years. Unfortunately I just read that statistically, most people go into cardiac arrest when they are alone, so it doesn't do much good to have a defibrillator at home. How much does that suck? And that's just the type of statistic to give me heart palpitations.

I drive around with liquid benadryl in the glove compartment and my beach bag, in case anyone gets stung and goes into anaphalactic shock. Bee stings? Got it. Portuguese Man-O-War? Got it. Peanuts? Got it.

I know which chairs to throw myself over if I choke on food when I'm home alone. I chew very well, just in case. I eye my obese neighbors with trepidation. Are they going to have a heart attack when we're chatting and I'll have to apply CPR? Do I remember enough to do it well? Do I have to put my mouth on their mouth? [yes.]

I should have my moles checked out annually. I can't tell if they look irregular or not. Can you take a look? What do you think?

[Don't stare directly into an eclipse! You want to go blind?] An old friend of mine, years ago took ecstacy and went to the desert and stared at the sun all day. She became legally blind and couldn't work anymore. How's that for a lifestyle change?

I'm concerned I might end up with lung cancer from the 3.5 years I smoked cigarettes. Or perhaps I lived in a house with radon gas for years and didn't know it.

I'm worried I might drop dead of an aneurysm. 2 years ago I voted for a candidate for mayor, he was a doctor. Two months ago he was driving alone at night and called 911. Aneurysm. Died that night.

My friends sister had a tiny spot under her toenail. It was irritating. The doctors at Kaiser told her it was nothing. Didn't do a biopsy. Finally 2 years later my friend insisted that her sister demand a biopsy. It was melanoma. By then it had already spread throughout her body. She died last year.

E coli is deadly. Make sure and cook your food well. Why do I suspect restaurant employee's never wash their hands after using the restroom?

Two of my work colleagues found lumps in their breasts. Their doctors told them they were cysts [Kaiser again]. They both died of breast cancer within 5 years.

My fathers best friends and neighbors? The wife started having symptoms of shortness of breath. For 3 long years she slowly died an agonizing death involving her lungs. To this day, the doctors don't know what it was. They couldn't even name it. Just gave her oxygen. She died at home.

I want to fall asleep after eating lunch and dinner...do I have diabetes? Will I get diabetes?

If I move to Colorado, won't I get altitude sickness?

Swine Flu. Need I say anything more?

Statistically, most heart attacks happen on Mondays.

Xanax anyone?