Lately I've been snorting forgiveness. Literally.

I buy essential oils that come in single oils or blends. The blends are named things like "Peace and Calming", "Joy", "Trauma Life" [there's a popular one] and "Forgiveness."

I've been snorting Forgiveness. Daily.

During my husbands fight for his life in the hospital a disturbing trend was noted in the Young household. The trend of family members who could give a shit less. Family members who had often been on the receiving end of our support, love and care suddenly went AWOL when we needed them most.

Snort. Snort.

I'm just a little pissed off. My trying-to-recover husband wants to forgive and forget. But you see, Jesus forgave Judas...he just didn't want to hang out with him afterward. And trust me, I'm no Jesus.

Let's put this into perspective shall we? My friend who had a mastectomy didn't even spend one night in the hospital. My brother-in-law who had a quadruple bypass spent 4 nights in the hospital. My husband spent a total of 14 days in the hospital. Nobody spends 14 days in the hospital anymore. Unless they're dying. And usually they have the good manners to speed it up a bit so that bed can go to somebody else.

After 7 days in the hospital I called my father. He and his wife are devout Christians. My sister lives in the same town as they do. I hadn't heard from any of them.

"Hi Dad."

"Hey! How's it going?"

"Dad. Do you know Ken is in the hospital?"

"Yes. Yes I do. How is he?"

"He's almost died twice."

"Oh."

"I don't understand Dad. I don't understand that my husband has been in the hospital for 7 days and I haven't even gotten a phone call from you or your wife or my sister. Not one."

Silence. I mean, really, what can you say at that point? I'm too busy being retired? My fingers fell off and I couldn't dial a phone? I've been held hostage by the Taliban?

"Do you need me to come out there?" he asked.

"I might, Dad. I'll let you know."

I mean, what would Jesus do Dad? I'll tell you what he would do. He'd pick up the fucking telephone. And maybe [gasp!] send flowers! Just a thought. How's that church-going working out for you?

And my sister. The one whose husband left her one night, never to return? And she called me the next 365 days for support and I gave it to her no matter where I was: at work, in elevators, at lunch, going to the gym, leaving the gym, picking up my son. Yet, my husband goes into the hospital, she knows this and...deafening silence. Must be nice. A one way street to you, girlfriend. Wouldn't want you to exert yourself on my behalf.

And my husbands son. The smart boy. The compassionate boy who loves the Dalai Lama and minored in "Peace & conflict studies" at U.C. Berkeley. The 28 year old young man who by all accounts, especially according to him, is caring and supportive and aware. Ah yes. When I asked him to come over even for a long weekend, just to give his Dad an incentive to live, to pull through, spent more time giving me excuses why he could NOT than it would have taken him to take the one plane ride over. And he also proceeded to scream at me just in case I continued to mistake him for somebody I could turn to. Won't make that mistake again my friend.

Snort.

I read Beth Mann's blog yesterday titled: "Juggling for nothing: how to let the balls drop." And that's the neighborhood I live in right now. While my husband goes the forgive and forget route ["Jesus says we must forgive 77 x 7 times"], I'm more of the Why would I want to spend Thanksgiving with any of these people again?

We've established some clear and concise family issues. I cannot count on my family or Kens family [except his sister and cousin] to help us in a crisis. I cannot even count on them to believe what I'm telling them, although I've given them no cause to suspect I am a closet liar. At age 49 I really, really thought we were beyond sibling rivalry and the illusion that life goes on forever. Apparently not. And we've established that in the minds of some, Jesus would ignore your pain and go golfing. Or out to eat. Although I have not memorized the New Testament I'm pretty sure that wasn't the message.

And so I snort Forgiveness and ponder my options. I don't really belong to this hui anymore. I've been booted out, actually. I've been liberated to move on with my life and stop the archaic tribal belief that this particular tribe has my [and my husbands] best interests at heart. To cling to that falsehood would kill me. So what's my next step? I'm biding my time.

And snorting.