"I will not pay for your college if you get a tattoo. You are 17 years old, have 3 piercings. You don't need a tattoo. If you still want one, you can get one when you graduate from college." I was very clear when I told my son this.
"Getting a tattoo of your Hebrew name is putting a target on you. Do NOT get a tattoo and do NOT get a tattoo of your name in Hebrew." We talked about this several times.
So call me naive but I was not prepared for what I saw the day before Christmas. A tattoo. On his hand. For all the world and his future employers to see. Forever. In Hebrew.
"Let me see your hand," I told him.
"No. I want you to pay for my college." He said.
I still thought maybe it was a fake tattoo. But it wasn't.
His father, without telling me, took my son to get a tattoo as a Channukah present. My son did not think it important to mention to his father that I had told him I wouldn't pay for college if he got one.
I had a little cry in the bathroom [maybe we should just re-name that the "crying room" ] then straightened my shoulders and looked him in the eye and said, "Well good luck then."
Fast-forward two weeks and he has quit wrestling to look for a job so he "can save money for college."
Because of his need for instant gratification, because his father thought it was a fine idea, because he is 17 years old and doesn't have long-term reality based ideas he will now miss out on being in sports the last 6 months of his highschool career. And good luck finding a job in this econonmy, son.
And for the first time in 17 years, our relationship is strained. I thought boys are supposed to rebel against their fathers but he rebelled against me and is basically staying at his dad's full time now. I walk around with a small hole in my heart.
My son identifies himself as Jewish. In general, Jewish law does not permit the intentional defacement of the human body, and this applies to tattoos. Also, after the Holocaust, many Jews are repulsed by the idea of marking their bodies in the way that the Nazis marked the bodies of their victims. But apparently it is a folktale that you cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetary if you have a tattoo.
And now 3/4 of the world who are anti-semitic [and that's probably being kind] have a walking target in my son. Can you join the service if you have a Hebrew name on your hand? I don't think so. And what about jobs?
"I'll wear a bandaid over it," he says.
"For the rest of your life?" I ask.
He hasn't even begun the process of a career or making money and already has thrown an obstacle in his own way.
"Mom, I don't want to focus on making money just so I can own a house or other stuff. I'd feel my life was wasted." Spoken like somebody who has never paid a bill in his life.
My friends ask me: will you stick with this? Actually not pay for college because he got a tattoo against your expressed wishes? Pretty much, yes. Nobody needs a tattoo. And my 31 year old stepdaughter who is covered head to toe in tattoo's deeply hates the first ones she got because you grow and you change and suddenly the tattoo you got at 19 is repulsive to the 30 year old you. They are permanent.
My request was simple. I am paying for your college, therefore I have some say. And I'm saying, don't get tattooed now. If you still have a burning desire to do so once you graduate college and are self-sufficient, fine. But he couldn't, wouldn't wait. And it goes against his Jewish faith. All this is, is a manifestion of a desire that is illogical.
So for now, I'm sticking to my guns.
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Rated
Seventeen year olds never were known for making good decisions. You husband should have his head examined, which I realize is a comment in really poor taste.
I will say that I have worked with and have hired a number of really talented people who have body art. I found I needed to look past that and my own prejudices. The body art was my problem; not theirs.
Deb, best of luck.
I'd just like to note that even after paying thousands of bills, I still share your son's philosophy. Not focusing on money doesn't mean you can't pay your way.
Kathy: good idea. I don't think you can get an MRI with tattoo's?
OEsheepdog: thanks and you're right, on all counts.
Blackflon: will I maintain this?
Why couldn't he wait until he was old enough to make that decision on his own?
I'm sorry, Deb. I can imagine how frustrated you are.
Hugs to you.
Now that it's actually on: our advice would be to tell anybody that he doesn't know well or like, that it means lucky, and if they ask if it's Hebrew, there are, I'm sure, other written languages that look similar, and he can say "no, it's *insert language* "
As for covering it, a plaster isn't going to be anywhere near big enough. He could use a bandage/wrist support to hide it, and there is makeup on the market that will cover it, but it's expensive. Also, if he sweats or it rains the makeup is going to run.
As for jobs: Army, Navy, Air Force, police, ambulances, fire service: no chance. They'll allow tattoos *but* hands, neck and face are an absolute no no.
I hope the artist your son went to was reputable, and *clean*, using new needles for every client, in a situation where you watch the artist open the needle packet and prep the gun.
Another thing we would advise, and we don't mean to upset you, is to take your son to the doctor and get him tested for blood borne diseases. There shouldn't be any need to if the tattooist works cleanly, but it'll be an abject lesson in throwing a rock in a pond and getting ripples for your son.
This idea arose because MUCH older tattoos (more than 20 years old) may contain metals that could cause irritation under the heavy magnetic pull. Tattoo inks are now regulated to prevent such complications.
"maybe we should just re-name that the "crying room" " had me laughing out loud.
I think you should talk to him about the lack of respect he showed you by not considering your wishes, especially when he is expecting you to pay for his future (his education) That's a good conversation to have.
You are in a bit of a bind because that's what ultimatums do to us. But you're not going to be weak if you back down from denying him his education over a few inked letters. He may well face other consequences for his decision, i.e. not getting the job he wants (though I doubt this - times have changed, and many employers don't bat an eye at such things, especially in places like California, and in fields such as software development). He'll have to live with those.
Take away another privilege, or better - impose some other penalty, e.g. make him paint the garage, or do some other longer term task that needs doing. Think carefully what it is. And let him know that in the future, you'll be careful not to make ultimatums you don't want to live up to because they cause more harm than good...but that you also won't tolerate him ignoring your wishes, not as long as he expects you to support him in creating a future. You are not just a wallet, and nor are you just a stick in the mud for telling him things he doesn't want to hear. You are a smart women who loves him and wants what is best for him, and the prohibition on tattoos came from real concerns, not from a desire to control him and stop him from becoming the man he wants to be.
You should discuss how he might have handled this differently. He should have talked to you before going ahead and doing it - sure, it wouldn't have been as easy and comfortable that way, but he is making a decision that he will have to live with as a man, so it isn't too much for you to expect that he act like a man rather than a boy, and take full responsibility for his decisions.
Don't be mad that he brushed your wishes aside - rather, make him think on his own that this wasn't such a good idea, and not because it disappointed you, but represented a way of dealing with problems that is childish and more about immediate gratification than demonstrating he's capable of making reasoned decisions and handling conflict and consequence as a man.
As for the punishment, since you've formed it, you'll need to stick with it, and I see you are. It was an adult decision he attempted to make, without your approval. He must now be an adult about it and face all its consequences.
For me, that particular tattoo would be more troubling in terms of going to certain areas overseas. It might be noted there in a way that could cause him difficulties in particular countries. If he was planning studying overseas, that could be worrisome. If not, I imagine at some point, he'll get the thing taken off with a laser, when he's gotten a bit older.
As you know, I'm sure, he's exploring being an adult by making that decision against your wishes. Since he's virtually at the age of consent, and at that stage where he believes he knows everything, it probably would have happened anyway within a year. But, I'm sure you've raised a good son with a good heart. Give him time. He'll understand why you are holding such a steady line on something he's convinced himself is no big deal. Then, you can volunteer to help foot the bill for the removal, if you so choose and if he chooses to do so, which, frankly, I think he will, eventually.
I have a tattoo (not visible), and I still haven't told me parents, because I'm absolutely certain they would never understand. I'm in my forties.
Finally, I don't think this will impact his ability to get a job at his age, because most of the jobs he can get at this point are full of people who have tattoos and piercings. So, I think you can feel reassured on this point.
Send him to fill out the FAFSA and get his Pell grant. He'll need it.
I'm from the parenting camp that believes you carry through with consequences. He can fill out his own FAFSA form and apply for loans on his own. He doesn't have to lose out on an education simply because he broke a promise. He'll just learn the hard way that decisions have consequences.
Having teens of my own, I'm starting to think that we shouldn't let them out of the house until their brains finish baking - these half-baked ideas that they get are hard on a mother's sanity!
Is it your "Judiasm" that you are supporting or his? Is this your only complaint about it? You don't make this clear. Also, it is my understanding they can be removed by laser, but it's painful. Let him learn how to teach himself. On the scale, this hardly ranks.
LadyMiko: I'm very frustrated. His father, my ex-husband, does bizare inappropriate things like this a lot.
Noirville: As pointed out, he can't get a job as a policeman, fireman, join the service, all because of a tattoo on his hand. It's self-sabatge.
Hourglassfigure: thanks for the good advice.
ttfn: the best thing would be for him to get it lasered off now but I don't see it happening.
DeliaBlack: those who would harm him because of the Hebrew on his hand would recognize it as Hebrew. Why make yourself a walking target at 17? thanks for commenting, it made me feel better.
Con: funny and true and I wouldn't have minded a chinese tattoo as much, but NOT on the hand!!
Lea: I understand what you're saying about not tying it to his education but that was the promise on my part. Nobody needs a tattoo, right?
Neilpaul: thanks for stopping by. But the whole point is this ISN'T about me. He is 17, a minor and this is an act of self-sabatage before he even gets out in the world. This was all about HIM so he could go to college, get jobs, decide on a career without a stupid Hebrew tattoo on his hand for the world to see.
Sandra: I'll think about this and PM you. Thanks.
Odetteroulette: This is how I'm thinking. This generation is very entitled and haven't see a lot of consequences or failure and he's about to enter the worlds stage.
I recall, as a teenager, that I was interested in getting a tattoo. I accompanied a friend when he went to get his (I was sixteen at the time, as was he) and when I saw what you had to go through to get one I decided on an earring instead. My parents were fine with the earring (my mother's take was, "It's your ear. Do what you want with it."; my dad, simply said, "I thought earrings were for girls. What the hell do YOU want one for?").
Teenagers rebel against authority regardless of which parent represents it. My son always tried to play us off against each other, never realizing that we talk about everything and come to decisions that both of us will support.
I'm curious, though - he decided he wanted his Hebrew name tattoo'd on his hand? How vested is he in his religion? I ask because, where I come from, it was unthinkable for a Jew to get a tattoo ANYWHERE. It simply wasn't done, granted that was a long time ago.
Rated. Wishing you well on this, Deborah.
I think you're trying to intimidate him especially if the fact that he "identifies" himself as Jewish if in fact you do not. What business is it then of yours? I think that's hypocritical and an intrusion on him at an age when it is to be expected that he will want to push you away in order to demonstrate his independence.
The person being self-destructive for not paying for his college for this reason is you--because then you will be faced with having denied him this opportunity for the rest of his life if in fact he is a good student and deserves it. I think you ought to lighten up the reins or you are in store for far worse.
I think it's good that he's proud of his Jewish heritage. I don't like tattoos, but I'd think less of the kid if he was swayed by arguments that he should keep the option open to hide who he is.
You will do better in your relationship with your son if you have discussions, ask his opinion and advise, not command. Having the Stepdaughter talk to son about her tattoo regret might have been quite effective.
You're never going to get anywhere with him by ultimatum, particularly if your ultimatums are overruled by his dad.
Think about reading some books on dealing with older adolescents. There are good books that will help you become more effective at getting him to listen and honor your views (and all of them will tell you not to give ultimatums.)
Jane Smithie: therein lies my problem. I made it clear up front. He still went ahead and did it. Now what?
Lisa: those were my thoughts exactly. If he feels he is so grown up to override my warning, then he can get loans and try and do college without my financial aid.
Heather: hopefully years from now I will be able to laugh about this.
LuluandPhoebe: He converted to Judaism at age 7, his father is Jewish. But he did not Bar Mitzvah and does not go to synagogue so it's a Jewish-lite if you will. It's a way for him to separate himself from the crowd and I feel, to get attention.
BenSen: my concern is about his future, which is already starting now. Getting jobs, not being a target for terrorist [and skinheads as Odette points out] purposely going against parental warnings. If I didn't care about him, I never would have thrown down that warning in the first place.
Bill S: He is not that vested in his religion and I did point out to him that is goes against Judaism to even get a tattoo!
JK Brady: thanks for the commiseration.
Scanner: Thank you! That's exactly what I'm talking about!
Malusinka: thanks, I'll take that under consideration. This is all giving me food for thought on negotiation, flexibility and consequences.
A word of warning, though. I've found that tattoos are addictive - at age 19 when I got my first one I couldn't wait to get another...and another. Still, I think that you're completely entitled to the way you feel about it - he's your son, and being childless myself, I can't completely put myself in your place. Here's hoping that the both of you can come to terms, though.
I'd be more inclined to be upset with his Dad--clearly he gave permission for your minor son to get the tat (without consulting you).
Just my opinion.
17 year olds DO NOT CARE. They do not care about their parents, and they do not care about the future. They are not even fully aware that they HAVE a future. They are physiologically incapable of thinking long-term on a sustained basis in the face of temptation.
You can say, "he'll just have to fill out his own FAFSAs." It won't happen. What will happen is that he will just plain not go to school.
Frankly, my tattoo has never kept me out of a job. But if I didn't have a college degree? I'd be even more doomed than I already am. Nothing you are worried about will come to pass because of his tattoo. It will come to pass because you have decided that a 17 year old who can't follow simple instructions should be left in charge of his entire educational future.
The Hebrew part? I'm not Jewish, but I wonder if our generations are colliding here - young people today have such different ideas about almost everything. Good luck, rated, and namaste.
He will believe what he will believe concerning G-d and religion. That may be disconcerting to you, but it happens all the time (happened to me as well; I left the faith long ago). He is finding himself, and that is natural.
There are many lessons he will have to learn for himself, some that will be infinitely harder than others. Hopefully, with your guidance and love, he will emerge on the other side a stronger person for it.
Best of luck, Deborah.
Deb, do what you think is best. He's your son. The tattoo itself, well, that's a difference of opinion and probably generational in nature for the most part. It's the act itself that is important. He's expressing independence, as you know. But, when you're 17, you almost never think about how independence is more than rebellion and is actually work. Maybe he needs to learn that lesson. (And what we discussed privately--I still say, do some of that if you decide to stick with the ultimatum.)
As for the "not paying for college" part of the deal, well, I've learned the hard way over the years that sometimes in my determination to prevent my kids from doing something, I tended to threaten with consequences that I wasn't entirely prepared to enforce. Issuing the threat is often much easier than actually having to enforce it. Especially when it involves something with life-impacting consequences like an education. I don't know what the answer is, only you can decide that. But my take is that he could be rebelling in much more self-destructive ways than getting a tattoo. I'm just sayin'....
Rated.
With all of the focus on what bad things could happen to your son, I do think there are some positive impacts too.
1. Its obvious that your son is proud of his heritage and unashamed of who he is - it may not be the recommended way of celebrating it, or what you would have chosen for yourself, but at least he chose something meaningful and relatively discreet (visible location, yes, but generally tasteful and attractive). Be grateful that he didn't get a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil or the Hooters logo instead.
2. For all of the people who would see his tattoo and choose to judge him, there are also people who will connect with him either by recognizing the Hebrew or wanting to learn more about something they don't understand but that he obviously holds close to him. His tattoo can open doors too, not just close them off.
3. He's already demonstrating that he understands the importance of his education, choosing to quit a sport to ensure he can afford college.
4. Its possible that he could have the tattoo removed if he decides someday that it is holding him back from his dreams of being in the service or as a paramedic. He'll learn that there are no guarantees when it comes to tattoo removal, that its expensive, and that its no walk in the park.
5. He's also learned that you stand by your word and that there are actual consequences to his disobedience.
I would agree with others, however, that you don't want to make his life even more difficult by not paying for his education. And given that he's approaching an age where he won't have to include you in his decisionmaking any longer (legal adult), it may be worth finding a compromise so that he chooses to keep you engaged in his life. Maybe the balance just shifts - now he's primarily responsible for funding his education (taking on a job, finding scholarships, etc) but that you'll help him meet pre-identified tuition/expenses that are beyond his reach?
I am the mother of an 8-year-old son.
I have two (mostly) hidden tattoos, both acquired in my 40s.
I need to say I agree with NeilPaul on this one. Your son is expressing his own personhood and individuality. You may not agree with methods, but you do not get to determine his personhood for him. And I doubt you would have objected any less had he waited until he was 18 to do exactly the same thing.
We all make choices every day. Even not choosing is a choice. You may not agree with his choices, but they are his to make and it is he who will live with the consequences, just as you live with the consequences of yours. Shelter him from that and you do him no favours.
It's none of my business, of course, but I think you should stick to your guns. Kids can pay for their own schooling. It's really tough. (I know!) But it can be done.
Now...about the Hebrew name...well, I don't think it's going to put him into any danger...
About a tattoo on a hand...well, I'm surprised that tattoo artist did it there. The general rule of getting a tattoo is this: for your first one, do not get it somewhere that cannot be covered up with clothing.
I'm sorry that this has caused such a huge riff between you and your son. Teenagers are hard to deal with, aren't they?
Surprised the hell out of my wife…coming out of nowhere!
It is a large eagle on my right calf…and it has a name.
Piquantawana…a native American word from a local tribe which in rough translation means:
Stay away from tattoo parlors when you are stoned!
Re: tatoos and hiring though - I am in HR in a white collar environment and most of our staff (not me, but most) have tatoos of some kind. In fact, the CFO and the other HR Mngr are both forty-something women like me, and THEY both have tatoos! So...unless he wants to be in the military or some other type of uniformed service, it will probably not affect his employability. Good luck with this whole mess. Post again and let us know how he's doing...
Is he a good student? Do you have the funds or are you using this as your excuse? This is that sort of "motherly" protection that turns good sons into bad. When my daughter came home after her first year in college she said she was going to get a tattoo. I said "no." My basis was that it would ruin her skin.
She then gave me a choice. "Dad, I either go without you, or you can come if you want."
I went because I was concerned for her health. It was a brutal experience. Sweat poured down my face, but I let her know my concern was really for HER AND NOT AN ATTEMPT ON MY PART TO KEEP HER "DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL." I wanted to make sure the place was clean. I had to "get off it," as they say in the jargon, and think you ought to get off it too. It ain't the end of the world, but threatening to deny him a college education if he deserves it is ridiculous for such a reason, and if I was him I'd make my next act of rebellion something you really won't be able to control. His resentment will only grow deeper. I THINK YOU ARE BEING FOOLISH.
If he isn't allowed to make these sorts of small change decisions he's not going to make any that are larger, and you will be forced into the roll of the ever protective and ever critical parent who has a "child" who never grows up, and you may even be one of those who never get it.
My daughter, by the way, turned out to be just fine. It is many years later, and she has done nothing during that time that has not filled me with pride and respect for HER ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Let go momma, your boy wants to grow up and you should let him.
My oldest is now 20 and she's done a number of dumb things that drive me insane. But the trick of parenting children who are becoming adults is to realize that we cannot control them anymore. They will make decisions that we abhor, but they are still our children.
The love and support you provide even when they're doing those dumb things is more important than ever. It's what makes them NOT want to behave so stupidly.
Good luck.
Amitaizero: I think he's getting addicted. He was only supposed to get one piercing; he got 3. I won't be surprised if this becomes a habit.
Spottedmind: I am very upset with my ex, his father but unfortunately I have no control over him so I can't waste time with him. I told him what I told my son: good luck with that whole college thing.
The New Number 2: I'm very lucky. We've always had good communications.
Well what: what can I say? As his parent it hurts to see him already not being able to get certain jobs because of an "immediate gratification" issue on his part. Tattoos are a 'want', not a need.
Dragonlady: Yes I am considering renegotiation but it might be more around, you pay for your college, I'll help out with living expenses...
Anthony: my son doesn't read my blog. It's a blogging mechanism a lot of us use when posting to refer to them as "The boy" or "the husband", etc.
Unbreakable: thanks for weighing in since you have 3 kids [grown?] with tattoo's. Just not on their hands!! right?
So far no tattoos on the boy. My 20-year-old daughter has a bee tattooed on her wrist. A big one. Argh!
You really can't make them do anything after a certain age. But you don't have to keep providing the same level of service.
"She did it backwards. When you guys were kids I told you you could stick whatever you wanted in your ears and noses and skin. You immediately decided that anything Mom approved of was so intensely lame that not one of you ever tatted or pierced a thing until you were out of college."
She also reminded me that when she went with in with my brother last week, she got a tattoo as well--right on the inside of her wrist. It's no smaller than your son's...and her boss loves it.
It has been done. He is the proud owner of a tattoo on what is his own body. I hope it is not enough to drive a wedge between mother and son.
And I'd give the ex what-for, too.
Finally, and maybe I'm naive here, but I do think you're overestimating the anti-semitism.
Good luck!
Wordsmith: I asked him to wait until he graduated college [at which time he'd know what direction his life was headed] so getting a tattoo at 18 wasn't part of the bargain either. But I'm listening.
Gwendolyn: Yes, he could pay for college -what an idea! And I kick in for other expenses. I know teenagers rebel but this one is so permanent.
Harvey: Thanks.
Frank: I am taking your advice very seriously.
Fusuna: True.
Blue in TX: But do they have them on their hands?!
BenSen: Yes, you're right he's growing up and I get that. And part of growing up is him making decisions and taking the consequences. Being a child would mean getting no consequences, so I'm treating him as an adult. College funding is a priviledge, not an entitlement.
Leight Bailey: Thanks. True words.
Hells Bells: That's how I think. He thinks the world is so easy, he's in for a big surprise.
Well what: thanks for forwarding this to your mother. My son does have 3 piercings already, it's not like I have him locked in a cave. But they are not permanent and can be taken out for jobs, etc.
Joan H. : Thanks. It won't. We'll work this out. It was just so unnecessary.
Athomepilgrim: I'm thinking he can pay for college; I'll pay for living expenses. Still a consequence but I can still help out. I'm still working on this...
She's been given lots of good advice and there are lots of ways out but not only hasn't she gotten any of it, she hasn't responded with anything but dismissiveness, or moved an inch. Take a look around and the "balless" wonders that now "grace" the nation and it is worth fighting in the trenches.
American males are refusing to grow up and this is a perfect example. Refusing a son his college education because he has a tattoo? The wonder is that he didn't put it on his forehead. Next time, maybe he will, and then what will be her response? I think it is enabling the end of masculinity not to take a stand.
have all the wisdom they will need in life.
You had no control over what he did.So he will have to deal with it. It really isn't your responsibility now.
You can have them removed. He could just tell people it is a scar from an accident (kind of true.)
You don't have to make a final decision now.
Think it over very carefully, and when you are sure how you really feel about it long term, you can make the final decision.
I share some of your pain in the major difficulties that can occur.
I also don't see this as an acceptance issue. You haven't rejected your son because he has a tattoo. and I do not see evidence that you love him less because he has a tattoo. I see you are distressed that he chose a tattoo over a *free* education. It was his choice, not your fault.
Your declaration that you won't pay for his education was not rash. You told him well in advance that this would be the price he had to pay if he decided to get a tattoo. You told him more than once. Fair is fair and in real life every action we take has consequences. Better he learns from one who loves him.
At this point, the deed has been done. So, I would say respect his choice to chose a tattoo over free education. Hopefully he'll reciprocate and respect you for sticking to your guns.
Second, while I suspect the ultimatum was ill advised, as someone who has parented a *lot* of 17-year-olds, I think you need to hold your ground for a little while. He's only halfway through his senior year, right? Maybe he really can find a way to fund his college education. After all, lots of kids don't have parents who can help anyway, although your income on his FAFSA is going to count against him. You have several months during which you can check in with him frequently to ask how he's doing on the plan to raise the bazillion dollars required just for his first semester. At some point, when both you and he are calm, and he's realized that a tattoo isn't a very good trade for a four-year degree, you can renegotiate. It's not as though the choices are between his ruining his entire life or your doing it for him. He needs to understand that his actions have consequences even in the most important relationships of his life.
Today, I'm not sure that is even possible. Maybe Ms. Young is blowing smoke, I certainly hope so, but not to tie the issue into the larger social fabric is to reduce it to gossip. At this point, I don't think she is the one who needs a protector. The boy is. There is no self-revelation or growth that I can see here--only the attempt to control for it's own sake.
Start there. He's not a baby, he may just be a man who knows his mind - maybe he doesn't want a necessarily safe and easy life. The fact of the matter is, he just told you whose life it is and whose body it is.
Punishing him now instead of trying to understand him is a mistake in my opinion - one, you may someday come to regret.
Either way, good luck.
An important part of parenting is knowing when to back down when you have made an unreasonable threat. He is 17 years old. In a year you will have no authority over what he does everyday. I would apologize. Why would you damage your relationship with your son over his honoring his Judaism.
I don't understand. I have always lived on Long Island or New York City, which have more Jews than Israel. A tasteful tattoo of his Jewish name would be admired. Maybe he should go to college here.
I'll take him out to dinner Friday night to talk about his future. He can pay for his education for the first 2 years [affordable community college] and I can help with living expenses. If he gets into a good university after that, I won't withhold financial support. This whole thing has given us a new chapter and a new stepping off point. Comments all around well taken.
This isn't comforting, but I was reading about how Britney Spears while in her Kabbalah phase had something in Hebrew tattooed on her, only wound up getting it misspelled, or mislettered, or something. So, do the letters actually spell his name?
I don't blame you for the ultimatum--sounds reasonable to me. Unfortunately, seventeen-year-old boys (and girls for that matter) are not reasonable creatures. Would you consider funding his education if he comes up with the money to have it lasered off, or even agrees to have it lasered off? I'm sorry his father abetted his own bad judgment. Your son has an excuse--he's a seventeen-year-old boy.
Good luck.
I read about your predicament and all the advice with interest. I don't have anything to add, and it sounds like you've got a plan anyway.
I did want to say that the whole thing brought to my mind the different parenting styles of conservatives versus liberals, as theorized by George Lakoff, the linguist. I think this thread demonstrates that pretty well, you playing the starring role as the conservative of course! :) (I think I remember your saying you don't like to be pigeonholed as that, so I'm talking very loosely here. I think you're clearly more conservative than many other OSers). You do seem to demonstrate more of what Lakoff calls an "authoritarian" style of parenting. When you say "If I didn't care about him, I never would have thrown down that warning in the first place," and "I understand what you're saying about not tying it to his education but that was the promise on my part,"you are valuing the rules more than the relationship, in my opinion.
If this sounds critical, please understand that I actually have come a long way toward appreciating some of the more traditional priorities of conservative parenting; I sometimes wish I'd placed a little more emphasis on the value of work and the importance of form in society (manners, etc.). Still, I know I would probably not find myself in your shoes because of the original ultimatum. NOT that I haven't done something like that in a fit of rage or impulsivity, just that we would all have burst out laughing the minute it was out of my mouth (for a variety of reasons, the two biggies being the major emphasis on intellectualism around here and the acknowledgment that I commonly take back stuff I say.)
Anyway, that was just a thought. I appreciate your conundrum and hope all works out well.
Great story. Great mom.
The fact that he responded to his mother's threat by dropping out of sports to get a job to pay for college for himself shows he is responsive and understands what responsibility is even if he has gone unrecognized for it as far as I have seen.
An ancilliary discussion that interests me is how few recognize the greater issue involved regarding adolescence. There are the usual complaints about the "narcissism" of young adults--as if it's horrible and not a normal part of growing up.
Robert Bly discussed this in his book THE SIBLING SOCIETY, which I believe was eye opening even if it was quickly rejected by the mainstream press and establishment.
He said basically that Americans can no longer identify and understand adolescent behavior because so much of the populace is now fixated in adolescence themselves. I think he has hit it right on the head. Much can be deducted from it. Where are the adults? Where are those who see what is in the long term interests of the next generation rather than their own short term "needs."
So I am not misunderstood, I mean none of this personally against Deborah. I no less believe in "tough love" apparently than she does, so I assume you can handle it. I simply believe you are going the wrong way given what you have revealed and don't really know how fortunate you are to have this young man. A little bit of support can go a lot further than a critical approach that is not leavened with a basis in reality rather than projections.
On the other hand, I have respect for your son for tattooing his Hebrew name on his hand, where it is so visible. It did make me cringe at first because of the likeness to the Holocaust tattoos but I think it is commendable that he wants to wear his religion with pride, especially in a world where anti-semitism still abounds. I think his ancestors would be proud of him (although wearing a Jewish star or chai around his neck would serve the same purpose!) And I wouldn't worry about interviews--will he really want to work for someone who wouldn't hire him because he's Jewish?
So many questions here. Great thought-provoking post. I'm sure you and your son will push through this tough time in your relationship, no matter what you decide.
Also, your son needs information. Perhaps you could take him to a Holocaust Museum or show him a few YouTube videos... I can supply some. So sorry about this, Deb.
After high school, my parents and I had an adversarial relationship for a few years, and I ended up in and out of the local state college for a bunch of reasons. My parents approached me at 22 and offered to help me one more time, but I would have to bear a good portion of the load in my name. I give thanks almost daily. I moved away and finished my degree while making Dean's List, joined the debate team for scholarship money (they needed bodies so bad, GPA was the only qualification to retain the scholarship), made Academic All-America in CEDA (Cross Examination Debate Association), and was a founding father in a fraternity... Not bad for a kid who 3 years earlier was a no good fuck up with a tattoo. My parents showed faith in me. I had to show faith in me, and reward theirs.
I totally understand what you're going through with your son-- from both sides.
What a grand, magnificent gesture your son has made! By golly, he will be the captain of his own ship! Master of his own fate! Did he try to hide his tattoo? Did he get it on his butt, maybe? Or his shoulder? Where you would not find out? No he did not! He got it on his HAND! The only more prominent place he could have done it was his forehead. (Thank goodness for small favors.)
Has he cravenly crawled to you and begged you to pay for his college despite the tattoo? No he has not. He is prepared to accept the consequences of his gesture. Your son has a backbone on him. Good for him.
Seriously, do NOT cave on the college tuition rule. It would completely ruin his grand gesture. It would undermine it totally-- make it sort of cheesy.
Instead, take ten minutes to tell him how very proud of him you are for not caving, not changing his mind, not groveling. Tell him that you are proud and impressed with his courage, and his willingness to stick to his guns.
Then...
Pay attention to how much his college education costs each year. Set aside that amount for him. When he graduates, give him a gift of that cash. He can use it to pay off his student loans, or to put a down payment on a house, or to travel Europe. Whatever. But only AFTER he graduates. You can tell him that's what you're doing or not, it's up to you. And never pass up an opportunity to tease him about his $30,000 tattoo.
Remember when we were that stupid? Sigh.
I think you need to cut your son a little slack though, or you yourself may end up cut out of his life. Don't be the hoist on the petard of your son's tattoo. It is small and can be removed someday if he comes to regret it. He was under the guidance of an adult whom he trusted had his best interests at heart, but who may have been more interested in being the "cool dad" than he should have been, so it's not exactly the same as if he had done this on his own. Quitting wrestling and working will never allow him to save enough for college unless he scores a super-high-paying job, which is insanely unlikely, plus could backfire, making him think he needn't bother with college if such jobs are so easy to come by. How about a compromise, where he works and makes a contribution and you help make up the rest, in light of the fact that his father masterminded this?
Also, most people won't recognize hebrew script and will simply think it's a gang sign. Blockbuster and fast food joints will be reluctant to hire him.
Tattoos are easily and cheaply removed. Rather than throw your son away - and yes, that's what you're doing by not paying for his education - why not offer to pay to have it removed?