The bittersweet agony of child-raising. The ecstasy of the empty nest. One of life's sweetest secrets is about to unfold and be mine!

Nobody can describe parenthood to you well. Each parenthood is different, yet the same. From the moment that helpless child is pushed out into your world you are forced to put them first, keep them alive, plan all events big and small around them. It's exhausting and exhilarating. 

I have enjoyed my son at all ages. The nursing infant, his first steps, the delightful 3 year old. Losing his teeth, growing his teeth. Watching him make friends, starting school. Sleeping. Crying. Laughing. We have flown on airplanes, floated on boats, moved thousands of miles, travelled for vacations. He has been the unfortunate recipient of Divorced Parents and the fortunate recipient of two parents who have loved him as wisely as we were able. So that at 17 years old he has close friends, a high GPA, does not do drugs or alcohol and has decided to join the Air Force on his own volition. I am now watching a man emerge from the shed skin of a teenager.

God planned the eventual exit of our children from our day-to-day life wisely. If they were still the beguiling infant we would never let them go. But they have grown tall and strong. They have their own rhythm that differs from ours. We must make appointments now to see them.

"Would you like to have lunch on Saturday?"

"How about a movie next weekend?"

"Let go out to dinner and get caught up."

Their rooms are a mess, we've begged them endlessly to clean them. Their hygiene is questionable on some days and No! he won't take a shower. Mine is thrice pierced and has a tattoo. Oh Lord! When will this man-child be gone? He eats food we've been saving, needs money we don't have at the moment, can't pull his ears or eyes from his iphone. He wants to borrow the car that you need to drive. He forgets everything you tell him. Although he does his A.P. calculus homework, all he really wants to do is play. He hasn't changed that much from his 5 year old self, he is just hairier and with a wider ranged vocabulary. Oh, and he knows everything.

He is not a grudge holder, he is quick to forgive. He never talks badly about someone behind their back. Traits I am still working on achieving.

Now I work on his graduation announcements, sending them all over the United States, announcing the archetypal milestone: my son is graduating from high school. Celebrate this with me, even by a phone call or email. Let us shake our heads in wonder together at the 17 years gone by, at the miracle of surviving childhood, at the strange apparition that is before us of the man/boy.

I am planning his graduation party, a small affair with his friends and two other families who spent many hours with him, who enjoyed including him in their family events. I'll bring flowers and pictures and a lei. We'll eat and drink and be merry for tomorrow brings a whole new chapter of my sons life, one, for the first time, I will not be witness to. As he walks, then runs to his future, I turn back to mine, picking up where I left off 17 years ago but with the added experience of raising a child.

I couldn't have reached this ecstasy without mourning each loss of my little boy. I think I spent a full year mourning my lost 7 year old when he reached 13/14 years of age. To know I could never hug that small boy again was devastating and still is. But I grieved and grieved so that now I can come out the other side in acceptance.

This week even as he transitions away, I am signing up for a meditation class and a yoga class and an aerobics class. Pilates on Youtube. I will be writing more. Walking the dog. Studies on-line are next; volunteering time will be coming up soon. My loss as a parent is a gain for my community. Like an old Japanese warrier, I'm popping up my head after the battle to see what is all around me. And I must say, it's looking pretty damn good.