Well the Apocalypse is right around the corner.

The ancient Mayans penciled in 2012 as the End of the World. The Hindu's tell us it's right around the bend. The Bible Belt Christians are getting ready for the Rapture. Included in the End of the World is:

 Conquest, War, Famine and Death. 

Anyhow. Good times!

The fact that Sir Elton John, 62 years old with a pacemaker and a penchant for cocaine just became a new father pretty much confirms the coming Apocalypse. Now I just need to make some plans.

First of all, I'm never going to see Italy. We were supposed to travel to Italy in 2013. 2013! What kind of screwed up travel plan is it when you plan to visit a country after the Apocalypse?! There will be nothing left but burned down vineyards and pigs running wild with demons in them and I'm NEVER going to see Tuscany! Damn it to hell.

Do we buy guns in a feeble attempt to protect ourselves from the coming violence and take the chance of accidently shooting ourselves in the foot, or even worse, accidently shooting each other? [And when I say accidently shooting each other, I mean, purposely shooting each other when the other person who is snoring just won't. roll. over.]

I suppose we should  all start speaking in Pig Latin to throw our oppressors off balance. And speaking of which, I think Michelle Obama needs to ixnay the talk of obesity-ay with the coming amine-fay and all. In fact, I think it's time to start living on goose liver pate and chocolate milkshakes. That way we'll survive longer without food and when our neighbors do end up eating us, we'll be appropriately marbled with fat.

Note to self: start buying cases of red wine and champagne. Nothing says I could care less about the coming end of times like slurred speech and double vision. I can see it now: "Holy God, I thought there were only 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse! But I see eight!"

Other note to self:  hide the guns when appropriately drunk for the Apocalypse. There's no telling what kind of trouble we could get into while deep into 2 bottles of champagne with an M16. I'm jest sayin'.

Things to buy before 2012: 

• New underwear. If I'm going down, it won't be with holes in my undies.
• The entire series of "Northern Exposure" on DVD. I've been meaning to get to it. Now I have a deadline.
• Buy goats. We'll need to eat something once the liver pate and chocolate milkshakes are no longer available.
• Train our dogs to protect us! [Aw forget it. Our 10 year old Blue Heeler has bad hips and nobody will be afraid of 12 lb. Joe.]
• Buy a Rottweiller.
• Try not to accidently shoot the Rottweiller.
• Bulk up on all prescription meds. Nothing says, "oh shit!" more than drug withdrawal during an Apocalypse.

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