I Don't Understand Anything Anymore (Part 1)

Debra Victoroff

Debra Victoroff
New York, New York, USA
September 11
Warner Brothers
Writer, editor, singer, artist. Still adore Obama. He is brilliant, sincere, unpretentious, classy. A true leader, gazing down, bemused, as the petty GOP contenders claw each other's eyes out like 13 year old girls. The country is poised on the edge of recovery, thanks to his steady hand: unemployment is down, the stock market is up, the car industry is back in business, and banks are paying back the bailout money, with profits going to the government. Bin Laden is dead, and our boys are coming back from Iraq, just as he promised. If only he could get his jobs bill past the obstructionist Republicans, who are willing to destroy the middle class simply to regain power, this country would be back on its feet in no time! So glad there is absolutely no competition for his office. All the sane Republicans know there's not one among them that could handle the most difficult job in the world, so they're in hiding, while their two representatives, Romney (aka Romney-the-Dog-Abuser) and Gingrich (aka Gingrich-the-Wife-Abuser) battle it out.

JANUARY 14, 2009 4:11PM

I Put My Thong On Sideways... Again

Rate: 32 Flag

A Thong  

You'd be surprised (or I suppose men would be surprised; not women who wear these things) how easy it is to do.  This happens to me fairly regularly, me with my undies on sideways, and sometimes I catch it before the jeans go on, and sometimes I 'm in a hurry and don't figure it out until I get home and wonder what all the weird, pulling was down there (when I was younger, I might have gotten some sort of thrill out of it - now I am just annoyed), and then I have a good chuckle once I figure it out.   I'd like to say my old boyfriend used to chuckle heartily along with me, but no; the boyfriend was always appalled at this; he thought it was inconceivable.  We're no longer together. 


I mean, it happens! Thongs are like this, this triangle of cloth, with three sides, three openings, and a front and a back.  Geometry was the only kind of math I was good in at school, but this thing is like a really hard geometry question on a standardized test, with a misleading drawing and no multiple choices below.   In the half-dark of my bedroom, in the morning, when I'm tired, every corner of the thing looks the same; every corner offers a pocket where the… goods go.  Here's me, standing there at first, with all the confidence in the world, on one leg, thinking I'm getting dressed.  Still on one leg, I see it's one of these inscrutable pairs (question: why is a single piece of clothing referred to as a "pair"?  This query includes "pairs of pants" but not "au pairs"), of which I have a few.  There are a few pairs in the drawer but not a lot, and since I only wear them for dates, or the prospect of sex, they rest, for the most part, untroubled by my hand, which is why when I pull them out, it's like, "Oh these are nice!  When did I get these?  How do these work?" 


So OK, now I realize there's going to be some trouble ahead, so the raised leg gets lowered; I'm going to need my balance, in fact, all my faculties if I'm ever going to get these on. 


The tricky ones are the ones without the identifying tag at the back (that makes it easy!), and are small and cute, like a Russian doll's headscarf, with perhaps some ruffles.  Sometimes, the little ruffles go in the front and sometimes they go in the back, so here's me, turning it back and forth, back and forth, trying to figure it out. 


Say I choose putting the ruffle in the front.  Ok, I've made a commitment.  That leaves those three holes.  And you'd think it'd be obvious, the pelvis on (most) women being slightly larger than her thighs.  But we're dealing with a thong here, isn't that the thing David used to slay Goliath?  (And what was David doing with a pair of women's underwear?  Was Goliath standing there thinking the same thing?  "What the hell, Dave, where did…" THWACK!)  And it's meant for war.  It's meant to baffle and lull its enemy into a false sense of security by its tiny flimsy little self, cute, sweet, weak.  But man, it is powerful.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So back to the triangle.  Now I've got a front, and a back (probably) and I know your ass is supposed to sort of be exposed a little in the back, so I'm thinking the back part of the material should be kind of smaller than the front…  but not on this pair.  This pair, every way you turn it, you have the same amount of material.  You've got about one inch of material on each of the three sides and so even though I have a back and a front, I'm spinning them around and around, like a guy spinning plates, really, or like a girl trying to get into a game of Double-Dutch, trying to figure out how do I get in.


After a while, I just stop spinning, sigh and climb in anywhere, just so I can get dressed.  I have, on occasion, felt that weirdness you feel (or women feel), when you've got your underwear on sideways, where you can't take quite a full step over to the dresser, because something's pulling on your… parts.  Since I'm not a regular thong-wearer, sometimes I just chalk this up to:  this is the way these things feel, and this tightness in the wrong (or right) places, is just part of the deal, as is feeling the material of your jeans on your bare butt and trying to remember if you put underwear on at all, since it seems nothing is coming between "you and your Calvin's" if you know what I mean.


But sometimes I have to go to the mirror and look, because it's the only way I can confirm my suspicion that all is not right with the world, or at least with my panties, which, at 6:30am in your bedroom is where your world starts.


And yes, there I am, looking unsexy, ridiculous even, with the little hanky sort of listing to the side, with the middle part really taut across my belly, and on the left side, the material kind of puckering out because I've stuck my leg in the part where the whole body is supposed to go.  If you've ever seen one of those ads for weight loss where the formerly fat guy climbs into one leg of his old gigantic pants, that's sort of what this looks like.


This is not a good look.  Even alone, just you, it's not a winner.  When the ruffles are going kind of vertical but on a slant, instead of parallel to the floor, this is a problem.  So I take 'em off and start again, and, it has happened on more than one occasion, sometimes when I put them on the second time, they're still wrong!


And that, sir, is why I was late to the meeting.   

copyright: dcvdickens 2009 


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You had me at thong...


Greg ;-)
I read your post and was all naaaw, thongs have three openings? Impossible. So I went to my wife's lingerie drawer and took out a thong.

Three. Openings.

Wow. You should've seen the look on my face. I never knew!
sometimes, I stand there contemplating the drawer and the potential mental energy required to navigate my stash of thongs...and I choose the ass-cleavage, panty-lining panties next to them just to save myself the effort.

On these days, I look at dh getting dressed in his obviously directed unershorts and hate him just a little.
This is a funny post. But on the actual subject... except for the obvious reason (see Greg's comment), I am completely confuzzeled by the appeal of a thong to its wearer. Discomfort to the max. Bikini's yes, both comfort and sex appeal.

Lea, did a thong really mean That much to Bubba?
I don't own any. Simple.
That's why the Wonderhorse endorses going commando. Not for me of course.....as Kramer once said, "My boys need a house".
Because I "know everything"

"Pair" of pants because they used in an earlier age (probably Elizabethan England) to be two separate leg/torso pieces tied together in front and back at the waist - by extension - panties and any other "bottom."
I'm just going to stare at the picture a little while and dream.
Sheldon, my boys agree with Kramer. I go with the Boxer Briefs. Snug as bugs in a rug. I'm with Steve, I'm going to look at the photo a lil while. We can start an "OS Perv" Club. I'm not sure there's enough room for all of us. We'll make Bob Eckstein our President.
I think I'm too young for OS....
I'm a commando girl when at all possible. Hate thongs and they hate me.

Fun post.
Thongs are great because there is no panty line. Commando is great because there is no panty line and there is no pesky thong. But, I don't think commando is very sexy- unless you're wearing a skirt, for obvious reasons.

I remember growing up my mom wore granny panties. I would always say "Eww, Mom! Why do you wear these?" She would justify herself by saying that after I had children, I would understand. Well, mom, I've had children, and I still don't understand. What's the appeal of the thong? Nay, what is the appeal of granny panties?
Of course, your underwear decisions shouldn't be made based only on what is sexy. Of course comfort counts too, and commando is very comfortable.
And another reason why I will never wear a thong...I like knowing that I'm smarter than my underwear.

DAMN!!!! You mean real women wear those?? I thought it was only on HBO!
I've done this more times than I'd like to admit. :)

Its no biggie they end up getting torn off alot anyway! LOL
I hate to admit that my underwear has outsmarted me, but ... yes. I've done this. And I've also put the damn things on backwards.
Simple solution: come to my feed barn and get yourself some Fruit of the Looms.

Loved the David & Goliath image!
Had to work tonight, otherwise I would have been sitting by the computer (in sweat pants), responding.

Greg - Thank you and can women join the OS Perv Club? Or at least attend the games?

Jon - If there were 2 openings, or worse, four, I think I would give up underwear altogether.

epriddy - An instruction manual would certainly come in handy with these things. "Open here. Insert foot. No, not there, here!"

Sally - Some of my friends say they (thongs) are actually MORE comfortable. Of course, they're lying.

KTM - Smart! You are certainly getting to work earlier than me.

Sheldon TWH - Thank you! Thongs ought to be considered "substandard housing" in my opinion...

Dolly - That is so darn cool! Will you be on my team for the big OS Trivial Pursuit competition?

Procopius - Dream on. They look better on the bed than they do on me, sideways.

Ann - But you're here to explain it all to the rest of us!

Pretend F - Thongs are definitely full of hostility. I'm always getting in fights with them, which they start.

Holly - it sounds like you're one of those girls who goes strictly organic, underwearily speaking. (if one an speak underwearily)

Leandra - Thank you! Yeah, my thongs understand geometry way better than me.

WCD - Yes it's true; we women do wear 'em. Even before there was cable TV.

LadyM - Lucky you! Often at the end of the day, I just tear them off myself.

AnniT - Frankly, I think they're sexier when they're on backwards.

Laurel-N-L - oh yes! the hilarious feedbags! "And in related news: http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=77485"
ahhh ..what women go thru ! this is so funny Ms . Dickens . Ruffles kind of vertical but on a slant , instead of parallel ...yes a problem .
So fun and cool and wish i could rate more than once .
I hate when this happens! I am currently wearing ones very much like the photo. Today, I believe they are correct. (on a side note, I have not, to this point, had to check my undies to post a comment on OS)
However, I will stand up for the thong as a good underwear option. You don't end up pulling them down because they have oddly crept up one cheek; they are exactly what one needs in July when there is extra sweat you-know-where; and why bother covering your whole bum when it's just the one bit you need to address?
I am rating this but not commenting.
You are a Little Dickens aren't you? You got me in here with the title and didn't disappoint. We should get together and exchange panties stories sometime. I'D really enjoy that. Though it may not have the same thrill for you.

As far as thongs go, I still like put mine on the old fashioned way, one ear at a time.
well i would just like to ask who do we really do all of this for? ourselves to feel pretty or to get a man's attention, last time i wore a thong,and thigh high stockings i text my man friend a showcase picture before he came to meet me for lunch of what was hiding under my skirt,and he didn't even bother to lift it up or even bring it up, i wonder if this is in the catagorie of he's just not into you? cause i think you could walk up to a complete stranger and tell your wearing this oh so comfortable combination and get more reaction. maybe he just had alot on his mind, but being that a man thinks of sex about every 2 minutes you would have thought it would have come up somehow,anyway like i said what's it all for,perhaps another article to post hmm?lol very funny stuff gotta keep laughing ,living and learning. her own kinda woman
This was hilarious. I thought this only happened to me. I am so relieved to know there is another spastic panty afficionado out there.

p.s. I hate the word panties
Katrina - Frankly I think it's crucial that one checks out their underwear before posting on OS. I know you're grateful for the reminder.

Ariana - Thank you!

Trig Palin - You are too kind. I suppose your grandma wears boxers. Just a guess.

Grif - Thank you! I am getting quite a few of those...

Michael - "One ear at a time..." You are killing me!

Padraig - "There's a thong in my heart..."

Her Own - Thank you! That guy was probably just too intimidated to check it out. But I guarantee: as he was sitting across from you, the lunch menu was not the only thing on his mind.

Sandra - So glad you said that! I hate that word too and feel sort of like it's in the nomenclature (the "nomenclature" of underwear?) and that's that. Along those lines, I also don't like saying "purse" for pocketbook, and "slacks" instead of pants. Weird.
Let's not even get into the crotchless version and how they become ankle biters. All I can is that two thongs do not make a right.
Cartouche - "Two thongs do not make a right." love it!! Up there with Padraig's "just a thong at twilight"! Thank you for visiting. Now must get to my letter to our ex-Pres in response to your (cover) request.
This is Great! Hilarious.
Thank you, Fireeyes. Just trying to keep everybody entertained!
OMG.. I didn't even need to finish reading this to know I was gonna rate it!!! :) Those things are ridiculous! Don't wear them myself... even if I get them on right, man, havin that sawing its way into parts it shouldn't be wedged... I mean seriously ladies, is there such a thing as a thong that doesn't become a wedgie?
If you've read the 25 things post of mine you know I have an intense fear of VPL (visible panty line)... I mean I stand in front of a bunch of 20 yr old college students lecturing - and NOBODY wants to see the teacher with VPL! EEK! So I've had to seek out underwear that doesn't show but doesn't creep... it's not easy to find!
so rated. OMG.
ScienceChick - You put together the perfect phrase: "...sawing its way into parts it shouldn't be wedged...", yes, sawing! As regards VPL (on my way to your 25 btw), I've read a couple women's posts recommending no underwear at all as the solution, but that gets... chilly! Thank you for the R.
Proof positive that not everyone puts their pant(ie)s on the same way.
Umbrella - Thank you! "Substance" is a relative term here, although I hate to bring my relatives into it... what they don't know won't have them staring at me in horror.

Blake - you are so right! Sometimes we put them on unlike everybody else: two legs at a time in my case.
Oh - so many thoughts...

The first to come to mind is the nursery rhyme "Sing a thong of sex pants"

It sounds kinda funny to admit I'm familiar with the discomfort of wearing them - being male end all. I'm sure the first thing that comes to mind is some sort of bizarre fetish. No, no, no... I studied ballet a while ago. Really. It's called a dance belt. There are so many funny stories about them. No, the aren't very comfortable, but you do get used to the perpetual wedgie. The term "butt floss" comes to mind.

It's kinda funny thinking that the thong was probably first developed for men - not women. Jules Leotard invented the "leotard" back around 1900 - for acrobatics. I suspect the dance belt was invented not long after that. Around that time, female dance performers were still worrying about exposing their ankles.

For the particular problem regarding "thong orientation," my engineering brain can't help but kick in. I'm thinking of the thong version of "tube socks." You know - three stretchy, lacy openings that are identical. It doesn't matter which holes you use for your legs. OK, in retrospect, it doesn't really sound that sexy. Sigh.

Anyone remember the British comedy "Coupling". Talk about great series writing. Anyway, in at least one episode, there was a long diatribe or discussion about how the size of a girlfriends "pants" (panties) is directly correlated to the length of the relationship. I could never do the actual text justice - but it was truly wonderful.

SteveMagnetic - "Sing a Thong of Sex Pants" - brilliant! And the Jules Leotard snippet: OK, I'm impressed. You must be a killer at Trivial Pursuit. Must also add: a male engineer who took ballet - you are one cool dude.
This is too funny. We get about everything here on OS. But not nearly enough girlie underwear stories.
JimmyMac - Thank you! I'll rustle through my underwear drawer and try to come up with something new, just for you!
Thanks - I had to give it up though... No place for my pocket protector. I also grew weary of queries: "Is that a slide rule in your leotard?..."
OMG, this is hysterical. Thank you O'Steph for pointing me here!
MagneticFields - Hysterical! And of course, the second half I assume you add: "...or are you just happy to see me? and have me figure out some multiple choice questions on the algebra portion of your test?"

merwoman - So glad you are a fan of "thong" humor! And thank you to o'Steph for promoting me! Love the cross-blog-pimping. Check out this beautiful post from O'Steph (one of many): http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=79165
One more reason that I'm glad to be a man.
Cap'n-parrotdead- Well, I'm certainly glad there are men around... makes the pain somewhat worth it...
Can totally relate. Almost as bad as forgetting to zip up my fly!
Dear GirlfriendMom - oh I've been there, and done that too....