In keeping with my theme of not being able to understand anything anymore, like, your shower: (http://open.salon.com/blog/dcvdickens/2009/01/01/um_i_dont_know_how_to_operate_your_shower), my thong: (http://open.salon.com/blog/dcvdickens/2009/01/14/i_put_my_thong_on_sideways_again)), I explore the American specialty of sealing things so that you cannot open them without breaking into tears.
It’s a typical day at my house. I rise and head for the kitchen where I put up water to boil for the coffee and figure out how I want to break the fast (sleeping being the only way I can manage that particular diet strategy of not constantly eating).
A box of cereal (purchased on sale – perhaps a “remainder”) so that instead of the usual $4.95, I got it for $2.99 – a steal when it comes to a box of flakes, let me tell you. Why the price of cereal follows so closely the price of a gallon of gas I don’t know, but it certainly seems to. But I digress. Because that’s sort of what I do. Sometimes my mind wanders and I forget the whole thread of what I’m trying to discuss as I find a pile of cracker crumbs on the cutting board and go to brush them off and notice that I don’t have any paper towels and start looking for the grocery list to add it and then realize I also need Cumin, which is a great, versatile spice that you can put not only in Indian food but many other… anyhoo.
The cereal box looms large, protective. It seems to sense I’m going to try to open it up and separate its contents from its container and it’s going to do whatever it can not to let that happen. Sandra No Longer Miller, in her very revealing blog about addictions (http://open.salon.com/blog/sandra_no_longer_miller/2009/02/25/oh_capn_my_capn), mentioned the difficulty of getting the bag inside the cereal box open without spraying Cap’n Crunch all over the kitchen – this I am reminded of as I tear the top open.
Somehow, since approximately 1998, cereal makers have decided it’s not enough just to want to have a bowl of cereal – you have to really, REALLY want it – and they now use a sort of Super Glue on that top seal that impedes easy entry, so much so that you have to be willing to wrestle that plastic interior bag to the ground and pummel it to get to the goods. This is what happens.
So you end up opening the bag from the side upwards, rather than from the top down, leaving a giant cereal bag rip on the side. This wouldn’t be so bad in itself, IF the cereal makers glued the bag to the inside of the box keeping the bag in there while you poured. This no longer is the case. They need all that glue for the top of the bag, so when you pour your cereal, the whole friggin’ bag slides out into your bowl.
Now you have enough cereal for 9 people. If there aren’t 9 people waiting for cereal, you must shovel the extra 8 servings of those flakes back in the ripped bag and stuff the ill-fitting bag back into the box (use your foot if you have to).
Milk.
The American fashion of hermetically sealing everything but your Stock portfolio continues when you try to get that milk carton open.
My “milk carton open” knife. Can be found in most hardware stores.
Now that it’s open, it will easily pour, and I mean everywhere because the spout is totally deformed and weird, so make sure you have some of those paper towels handy!
How about some bacon and eggs?
How about just some eggs? Forget the bacon. I thought by “going Canadian” I’d have packaging that made sense. Nope. Their culture may have provided us some great comic talents, but we’ve exported our Super Glue.
After breakfast, I decide to blow my nose. This is not inevitable, but for purposes of this blog, must fall here.
The arrow indicates to pull up, easily tearing open the little pack just along those handy perforations. The perforations turn out to be decorative and the arrow is not a separate piece of material that might help with leverage but also decorative.
Therefore, ripping it open like you would rip apart a head of lettuce is the only alternative. Especially if you have allergies and need a tissue before fluids overcome your ability to sniff them back up into your nasal cavities.
Later that same day, I attend a friend’s child’s school play performance. Outside, immediately before the show, we get the camera gear ready. This requires a DV tape.
The kids are massing we hear, it’s about to begin. “Can you get it open?” my friend asks, panic rising.
Not really. Where the fuck is the strip? Is there a strip? Are these corners vulnerable??
We hear the kids starting in the auditorium. This is not as urgent as some things, like say, toilet paper, but it’s up there and my friend is depending on me. Hurry!
As my friend started to get hysterical, I resorted to my teeth. Sparing you the picture, mostly because we didn’t take one as it wasn’t even funny anymore.
Later that day, I'm at work. I can work with music in the background, how about some music? This was a good movie, and I got the CD for free and why not load it into iTunes?
Why not? Because I can’t get the thing open. There’s no easy way to open a sealed CD. CD manufacturers have perfected the art of sealing their product beyond all hope and reason, which is the real reason the music industry is in trouble and the reason people have resorted to downloading; because they can’t get their fucking CDs open.
(They don't let us have sharp instruments at work, lest we stab each other in frustration trying to get things open.)
And of course, inevitably, later that day:
*Sigh*
Reading is highly underrated and my brother got me a subscription to “Wired”, sort of the last magazine I’d ever want a subscription to (unless they had a special feature on “Getting Your Electronic Products Open Without Losing A Fingernail”), but of course it’s the thought that counts.
I've found a seam! That looks promising!
I can't take it.
But you know, reading takes a distant second to having sex!!!
Oy. Remember what I said about toilet paper being an emergency? THIS is an emergency. The teeth come into play again - not a turn on in this case - again, not shown.
Please tune in next week, when I’ll explore the connections in back of my TV set and demonstrate how easy it is to figure out which speaker has blown.
OS Members' Suggestions:
EMT Scissors (alternatively: TNT): Boomer Bob
Teeth: BarbraAnne
Blowtorch: SteveKlingaman
Car key: OdetteRoulette
(Do NOT use a car key: Gonzoid)
Scissors: Monte, Dr. Spudman44, Denese
Claw Hammer: Ric Tresa
Mini Box Cutter: ConnieMack
Light it on fire: AlsoKnownAs
Corkscrew: Aim
Razor Blade: SallyAnne97
CD Razor: ConChapman, KindOfBlue
My cat: NotAHappyCamper
Knife and bandages: DennisKearny
Sawz-All: Nanatehay (this is an actual product!)
The side of a table: Steve Klingaman, ConChapman, AutumnMoon
Car accident: MadameZesty (not intentionally, but may work)
Chain saw: Michael Rodgers
BFH (Big Fucking Hammer): also Michael Rodgers for when you can't get the item open.
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Comments
I am a disaster.
Rated for truth.
rated.
The sad thing is that I'm sure these producers use focus groups to let them know which packaging is the easiest for the masses to understand. Why can't I get it?
I do like milk bottle tops. Everything should be so easy to open.
Nice piece dcv and funny! First laugh of the week I think.
denese
CD industry: Lets piss off everyone who spends $17.
Condom industry: Make them taste spermicide ripping the thing open. That'll set the mood.
Then I'm left with the problem of getting the now-mangled 50-pound bag onto my shoulder to pour it into the garbage can I use for storage -- WITHOUT spilling half of the feed onto the ground, creating more mayhem.
Rrrrrrrrated!
The freaking tab broke off and the can stayed obstinately fully pressurized and firmly closed.
I chose another less strenuous sport. Golf...
And our recycling people demand that every box be 'broken down' before being placed in the bin for pickup. I've nearly broken down trying to open some of these boxes. Boxes where they use a half-pound of glue to seal the damn things! My wife warns me about the really sharp knife that I've resorted to using to slice the boxes apart. If I hit the wrong tendon or wrong blood vessel, I'm done...
OH! And how about those produce bags in the stores? How many people can get those open first try?
The local hospital had someone in last year that actually cut something important in their hand and apparently nearly bled to death! Those suckers are SHARP!
Try opening that toy while your kids are looking expectantly with those big eyes... I'm sure that's where kids get their lists of swear words.
And Bill Beck....stop it! LOL
Frickin' liberals!! Always have their mind in the gutter. Now, you ladies should remember that if you get frustrated trying to open a CD or bar of soap or whatever, that you should be easily able to lower the zipper on your hubby's trousers. That should renew your confidence.
I gave up on the cereal packs a long time ago and just pull the whole pack up out of the box and cut the top open with a scissors
A fun post. Great.
Monte
And I've got mini box cutters, like a tiny little exacto knife, scattered around. They're on key rings so I hang one on the fridge, one on the key hooks by the front door. Absolutely necessary.
I hear you about those stupid milk cartons that won't open right. I haven't yet used the box cutter thingie, but that's because I'm rarely thinking clearly first thing in the morning. I also hate cereal boxes that rip up, forever precluding your ability to reseal them as they were supposedly meant to be.
New CD's and DVDs? Arrrg, in both cases. once you get the plastic wrapper off, you still have to peel off the near-invisible sticky strip along the top. Which often tears.
Wide packing tape? it always seems to split right down the middle, for me, so I'm left with two long, but uselessly narrow strips.
Great rant. =o) Thumbed.
One time I ordered this gadget thing off of the TV (yeah, I know...) that's supposed to open those godawful heavy plastic packages. You know, the kind of plastic that's so thick that it will break a pair of scissors? Well, guess what this gadget was encased in? That same damn heavy plastic that was the reason I ordered the gadget in the first place!
Thanks for a righteous rant, D.
It's a 'custom key' and can't be made locally so I had to call the dealership, fax the registration, fax a copy of my drivers license and pay $50.00 (+ shipping) and I got a replacement key insert 'overnighted' in 2 days. I'll never do that again... I never knew that tape was so tough...
It's a good thing wine is opened by a reasonable tool called a corkscrew.
(Actuallly, the corkscrew can be mighty handy for piercing, and ripping into otherwise impenetrable packaging.)
I LOVE your posts.
I have the perfect remedy for your packaging woes and it isn't TNT.
Having been in the health care profession for half my life, I own many pairs of these babies. I love them, I worship and revere them and they're in every friggin drawer of my house.
These honey's will cut wedding rings in half with less effort than normal scissors cutting fabric and they'll easily liberate any cereal from its protective armor in a swift flick of your gorgeous wrists.
Hell! I don't even bother to "open" cereal boxes anymore, I simply pinch them shut a little and cut through the box, the plastic stuff inside and the glue all at once. Like cutting plastic tubing with a twenty pound ax, no sweat.
Go to any health care supply outlet and ask for EMT scissors and you'll end up with the god-send for your opening miseries.
http://images.google.com/images?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=1G1GGLQ_ENUS301&q=emt%20scissors&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi
RATED by another frustrated "opener."
Thanks for letting me rant along...
cathy dewitt, gainesville FL
Lea - I finally figured out how to post pix that at first offer the warning: ". No way/Can't post/Don't even try". Don't change the name of the picture when you download it onto your computer!
And I agree - let's go green: everything should be wrapped in a fragile leaf of lettuce as far as I'm concerned.
Mungular - Thank you! I love being rated as "awesome". The highest praise imaginable in my eyes. YOU, in fact, are awesome.
Denese - Ah, the Netflix package. Yes, you have to treat them like delicate flowers to get in there without destroying the mailer. Thank God there's no plastic involved.
BarbaraAnne - Yes, the teeth are essential. Not the most graceful method but functional and (usually) with you at all times.
Bill - Actually, that condom was the easiest thing to open! Added for effect and humor - not intended to offend!
Steve - Ugh: spermicide. If they put that on anything (other than condoms) then they'd really see the collapse of the world economy (oh wait... it already collapsed. I think we're onto something...)
AshKW - Feed bags?? Now that's a new one. Try serving your horses cereal. Just open as usual and those 9 servings come pouring out: enough to feed one horse I'll wager. (Um, don't serve them bran)
Bees - Aw... you're too kind. I love to make people laugh!
MisterComedy - With a name like yours, I am honored that you liked it. Thank you so much!
Gonzoid - And now the racket ball industry has lost yet another client. If only they'd listen. And yes, blister packs. Named for the injuries incurred while trying to open them.
OESheepdog - "Crusty hermits" - hilarious! If I knew some, I would hire them to open all my un-openables (including those vacuum-packed peaches, darn it!).
Resistance - The words really flow when you're ranting I find. Include photos. Once you see those pictures, your anger rises and "voila!" You have a post. Go for it!
BehindBlue - Well, if I had "monkey fingers" I suppose I wouldn't have these problems either. We should all have your hands.
Persephone - Thank you! And I LOVE your new picture/avatar. Even lovelier than your other one (if that is possible).
Coyote - "Impenetrable unobtanium" Genius!!! It's like poetry. I may need to steal that phrase and will credit you. Brilliant.
Man, I didn't see that last part and I laughed out loud...not an easy thing when it's 8:08am on the west coast.
A really, really funny piece with visuals. You can never too many photos!
I hope you write more funny pieces!!
JK - Thank you so much. Love to see you here!
Irritated - I always find a picture is worth a 1000 words. Am I the first one to say that? Catchy! I would love to be a photo-journalist if they would let me illustrate my points within the confines of my apartment. Thank you so much (yours is one of my favorite names, btw).
Odette - A car key! Genius. Hope you don't utilize it while you're driving. A very bad way to open things is to total the car it's in...
SteveKlingaman - A blowtorch! More genius. I laughed at that image. Afterwards, you can just pour the melted CD into a glass and drink it.
Caruso - Yeah, fake dotted lines. Who do these people think they're kidding?
Verbal - My gosh: thank you! It these tiny problems that trickle UP and cause anxiety and depression in at least the "first" world. One of the most successful strategies of our controversial Mayor Giuliani was when he tackled the "small" NYC quality of life issues which had a domino effect on the larger problems of the city - although he did not deal with opening CDs that I know of. He could have been elected President perhaps, if he had.
OneCorgiLover - Love to make people spew. If only we could spew fire, we could melt these things open (see Steve's suggestion above).
Resistance - I'll truck on over to your post - I do so love applesauce. As long as the jar lid is easy to open.
RwNutJob - What if they are wearing jeans with 5-button flies?? (reference to Cartouche, above). That's a confidence shatterer, and a mood breaker, let me tell you.
Monte - And you, being such a music lover, must struggle morre often than most! And those sticky strips on the CD once you get the plastic off: the final insult! Thank you for visiting me.
RicTresa - "a claw hammer" - I'm still laughing! Added to the growing list of suggested tools. (and thank you again for my banner. You cannot be thanked often enough!)
Dr. Spudman - Through the looking glass! Very M.C. Escher: needing to get scissors to open the new scissor package. The irony! Brilliant.
Connie - "Putting [the device] on a keychain" - what a great idea. I'm going to look for one of those. Hopefully they aren't packaged in blister packs.
OneCorgiLover - "The bowels of hell". Yes, I think there's a burning room down there where hundreds of sinners are trying to get their CDs open.
Theo - You are so funny! Meditation is absolutely required immediately before and after opening virtually anything. Especially email! Thanks for the visit, dear.
AlsoKnownAs - You cracked me up! And what method do you use for lighting things on fire? Steve's blowtorch, perchance? OneCorgiLover's fires of hell? Please don't melt the CD player.
Shiral - If he really wanted to save the world, Al Gore would step up to the plate on "green" light bulb packaging. What good does it do to stop flooding, wild fires, and the destruction of the planet, if everyone's index finger is bleeding??
Deborah - That plastic is particularly deadly. Paper cuts are NOTHING next to a "3 stitches" slice you can get from that stuff!!
LisaKern - Oh the irony!! You just want to cry whenever you open something new!!
Aim - Thank you! A corkscrew! Great idea. Adding it to the growing list of of new tools so cleverly (and desperately) suggested by commenters.
Boomer - You should get a cut of the profits you've generated by offering that link. This is essential information!
JimGalt - Stabbing oneself seems to be a fact of daily life in this modern world. I always evaluate whether it's worth it to bleed for 20 minutes after I open something.
Scupper - What's an "Optiplex"? Sounds intimidating.
SallyAnne - Yes, must get a pack of razors posthaste. Afraid, however that I'll use one to slit my wrists if I can't get that CD open!
Agore - Immodium! Trumps a condom, for sure!
Luis G - Yes, I'm surprised (although I don't really know) that no one has broached this subject before. All those Christmas mornings, everyone sitting around trying to get their CDs open. Glory, what a nightmare those mornings turned into.
I wonder what I'm going to do when I'm really old.
Two tips: They sell little plastic CD openers--they have a covered blade (I think) in them, you run them along the stick sides. And clerk in CD stores have developed a technique whereby they scratch an edge against a plastic counter top real hard. Probably shouldn't try it on your Corian kitchen at home.
Grrrated!
Trig - oh thank you!! So glad to see you. Thought you might be mad at me for flirting with your brother. ;)
and congrats on the EP for this one ms. dickens!
There is an agreement between the manufacturers of meds containers such as nitro pills for heart patients and the undertakers association.
It is to causre a sufficient delay in gaining access to a life saving nitro pill that you die and the undertaker can then GOUGE thousands for over priced coffins, hearses, the 'parlor', etc.
Tell me there isn't a kiskback to the pill bottle monsters.
RATED - buy a $3 CD razor for opening them. It's a good investment.
Thank you for this delightful expose on the final years of modern man.
Great post and pics...rated and am adding you as a friend...which I hope is okay with you.
I keep nail clippers in my car and use the foldout nail file to hack my way in to CD's...
Another thing that ticks me off are those Tyvex envelopes and there is a certain plastic envelope that is just about impossible to open too. I get some stuff shipped in those things every few weeks and you can hear the griping... My accountant used to use Tyvex envelopes and so I gave them my info in a Tyvex envelope and they stopped using them... Freaking god damn horrible things they are...
Kind of Blue - Ah you are so right. What will we all do when we're too old and feeble to see the vulnerable folds or seams, or to use a scissors effectively to open our "stuff"? I suppose however, once we're that old, condoms will cease to be an issue...
Connie Mack - Thank you again for that suggestion. I am on the hunt for it and will toast to you when I find it (as long as the wine has a screw top).
Dennis Kearny - A knife, some time, and bandages. Sounds like the beginnings of a country-western song.
RoyJ - Thank you! This is one truth that truly does hurt! Usually your index finger.
Madame Zesty - nice to have you here. Very apocalyptic prediction. And certainly those people who depend on cereal for their nourishment will be the first to perish. As will those who eat CDs.
Jane Smithie - Your words should be a warning posted on all plastic packaging: "Enjoy our product. Hope you don't slice a finger off!"
BuffyW - I am flattered and honored to be "friended" by you and have friended you right back. My suggestion: ask the guys at the store to open it for you before you get in the car, or, alternatively, ask the cops who stop to ticket you for swerving.
Gonzoid - I don't know what you do for a living but those Tyvex envelopes sound deadly. I might have to order one just to freak myself out.
About the CD: grab the wrapped CD and slide one of its edges sharply (in a vertical direction) along the edge of a glass table top or some other table with a sharpish edge. The plastic shreds along that edge of the CD and then it's really easy to get it off. Zzzzip!
Sorry. I just hate being called 'normal'... People that call me that receive a cold stare. ;-)
BrendaGail - Thank you for stopping by! You are normal. All the plastic packaging in the world since 1998 is weird.
Gonzoid - you adorable thing. BrendaGail may be normal when it comes to plastic wrap, but who knows what other mysteries lurk behind that avatar! But you, Gonzoid, will always be... well... wonderfully Gonzoidial.
Not long ago, I visited a "superstore" that shall remain nameless and purchased a Blu-Ray DVD. They put these things in these hard plastic cases that, according to the plan, are to be removed by the cashier at checkout. I, however, drew the short straw, obviously, and had an unsupervised trainee cashier who either didn't know or didn't care to remove the hard plastic case with the alert thingy in it.
First, there was the hassle at the exit when the alert thingy caused the exit watcher (Who was very frail and approximately 82 years old. I mean, what's he gonna do, huh?) to have to rifle through my $367 worth of groceries and other assorted stuff to find the culprit. He eventually finds it, but doesn't bother to have someone remove the hard plastic case. "Have a nice day!" he says, and points me to the door. I'm thinking, "How hard can it be to take this thing off, anyway?" and I leave.
BIG MISTAKE! I tried a hacksaw, a hammer, all manner of prying implements and, yes, fire to remove this thing. Today, I am the proud owner of an unwatchable copy of "The Changeling" in a mangled, but resolute, hard plastic case!
*sigh*