According to Freud, men have forever been asking, "What do women want?" and let me be the first to tell you.  It's very simple.  They just want a guy who can dress to go out without looking ridiculous.

Guys go out in outfits that could only be attractive to fetishists and then wonder why women spring up off the next barstool like they'd been stung by a giant dung beetle.  It's a crisis of national proportions.  No wonder Monica gave Clinton a tie. 

Unlike every other species on earth, dressing to pick up women just doesn't come naturally to the human male.  It's an anthropological issue, so maybe a class of some sort is called for, the purpose of which would be to teach men to "Dress for Suc-sex." 

Therefore, I offer:  "Cultural Anthropology:  Dressing for Suc-Sex".  

LIGHTS UP: 

A MEDICAL SCHOOL PROSCENIUM SURROUNDED ABOVE BY SEATS ARRANGED IN A SEMI-CIRCLE.  THE SEATS ARE FILLED WITH GRAD SCHOOL-AGED STUDENTS.  A FEMALE INSTRUCTRESS, MS. SHARP, STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CLASS HOLDING A POINTER.  NEXT TO HER IS A RUNWAY OF THE SORT ONE SEES AT FASHION SHOWS.  

MS. SHARP

Welcome to Cultural Anthro 301, where we'll attempt to discover why no one's having sex anymore.  Although there's evidence that women are still pining for sex the way a dog pines for leftover tuna salad and that men still want sex as long as they don't get arrested or subpoenaed, there's still seems to be a problem.

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT FROM THE STUDENTS.

DR. SHARP (CONT'D)

Why are women more interested in cats and mutual funds than sex?  Why have men slept with more mountain bikes than women in the last ten years?  I've gathered some live examples from the genus and species "Homo Sapiens" that may help to explain this phenomenon.

SHE STEPS BEHIND A PODIUM AND REFERS TO HER NOTES.

May we see the first example.

FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN AN ASSISTANT WHEELS OUT A MAN LEANING ON AN UPRIGHT GURNEY.

PALE AND FLABBY, WEARING GOLD CHAINS AROUND HIS THIN CHEST, THIS GUY HAS 'WAY TOO MUCH SELF CONFIDENCE.  HE'S DRESSED IN A SKIMPY NYLON BATHING SUIT WHICH DOES NOT FLATTER HIM IN ANY WAY.

MS. SHARP (CONT'D)

O.K.  Those of you who took Anthro 201 might be able to tell me... why is this man unlikely to find a female who will mate with him?

SHE SPOTS A STUDENT WITH HER HAND RAISED.

Sue?

SUE

The bathing suit?  The French style bathing suit?

MS. SHARP

That's right.  This is an excellent example of context.  No man should wear a bathing suit like this unless he is European or on a European beach, in which case, he should stay there.  Do you see anything else that might prevent this man from ever having sex again as long as he lives?

JOANNE

He's wearing clogs.

MS. SHARP

Good!  Now this is interesting.  There are a few items that make the male totally unacceptable for breeding to most females but not all.  Clogs fall into this category.  If he's Dutch, he may have a chance.  These are called sub-cultural sexual exceptions.  Keep an eye out for others.  O.K.  Andy (to the assistant), bring out the next subject.

ANDY WHEELS IN ANOTHER AS MS. SHARP CONTINUES. 

The next subject offers an interesting mix of immediate turn-offs and some sub-cultural exceptions like those we just identified. 

[THE NEXT SUBJECT IS UNVEILED.  HE WEARS A FRANK ZAPPA STYLE GOATEE, A BIG GOLD MEDALLION ON A CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK, A TIGHT NYLON SHIRT IN PALE GREEN, A WHITE BELT, PRESSED BLUE-JEANS WITH WHITE STITCHING AND COWBOY BOOTS.]

MS. SHARP

Michael?

MICHAEL

Can I ask the subject a question?

MS. SHARP

Yes.  In some cases that's necessary to confirm certain sexual signals. 

MICHAEL

Sir?  Are you in fact, Matthew McConaughey, or have you appeared in any movies with the sub-title: "A Sappy, Predictable, Chick-Flick"?

FRANK

Fuck no.  I hate that guy.  What do I look like, some kind of aging Gigolo?

MICHAEL 

Hmm, the subject exhibits a sort of self-delusional cultural awareness.  Interesting.  So (to Ms. Sharp) I'll guess in this case, the gold medallion guarantees extinction?

MS. SHARP

Excellent!  But there are many other signals to factor in.  He may yet have a chance to breed.  Who can tell me why?

JENNY 

I know!  It's the cowboy boots.  It's a site specific thing.  On the Eastern seaboard a woman wouldn't come near 'im, but in the Southwest and in some bars in Los Angeles, females may actually pursue those characteristics.

KELLY

Yeah, but I read that pressed blue jeans with white stitching can get the male arrested as a suspected terrorist at certain airports.

MS. SHARP

I am so pleased you're reading the supplemental materials!  Anyone else?

JOSH 

Um, I know the white belt means something, but...

MS. SHARP

Think, Josh.  A white belt.  White accessories.  Shoes, hats...

JOSH

It's the Elvis thing!  Some women go for it, but only if they're over fifty and live in the Southweest.  Past child bearing age.  It's ironic anthropologically speaking: the guy can have sex but he won't generate offspring!

MS. SHARP

Absolutely right.  This man's chances of scoring are in direct correlation to the weight, wardrobe and hair color of the women he approaches.

IVAN 

Uh, just curious.  The beard thing.  Do women go for that or not? 

[Coincidentally, Ivan sports a beard that looks just like the subject's.]

MS. SHARP

Can anyone give Mr. Jeffries an answer?

JENNY

I like it.  It's cool.

KELLY

Gross!  Not me.  His lineage would come to a screeching halt if he asked me for a date. 

IVAN 

Fifty percent is good enough for me.  So Jen, what are you doing tonight? 

MS. SHARP

Thank you for that demonstration of species-perpetuating reflexes, Ivan.  Well, that's it for today.  For next week please read the assignment in Chapter Four:  "Overcoming Negative Anthropological Traits or, What to Do When You Have the Face of a Donkey".  Thank you.

THE CLASS RISES AND FILES OUT, BUT IVAN MAKES A BEE-LINE FOR JENNY.

 IVAN

 Like the beard eh?

 JENNY

 Turns me on, it's true.

 IVAN

 God, that's fantastic!  Can I take you... to dinner?

 She looks him over.

 JENNY

 The beard I like.  The hair, the leather bracelet, the sandals, the musk;  they make me want to puke.  Later, dude.

JENNY DEPARTS, LEAVING A DISAPPOINTED IVAN STANDING THERE AS THE HOUSE LIGHTS DIM.

THE END.

 The moral?  It's O.K. to Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve, As Long As You're Wearing a Shirt With Sleeves