“When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.”  C.S. Lewis quotes (British Scholar and Novelist. 1898-1963)

Sometimes in life we wander through the woods.  These may be dark and lovely with a hint of doom like the woods of Robert Frost, or they may seem endless, with no purpose in sight.  For a long time I seemed stuck in this or that job that held little meaning.  What could be the point of a life built on a series of jobs that seemed no more involved than paper-shuffling?  What was I here to do?

For some reason, in my heart and in my head there was this dream that I would help to found a ministry for the homeless.  I don't know how it would happen.  I would be driving along, and I could almost see me, maybe with a group of church people, maybe others, helping someone move in to a new place to get a new start in life.  I would keep asking myself, "How will this happen?"  I have no experience in starting anything.  I don't have much money.  Many times I feel overwhelmed, still dealing with grief over my father's death and caught between going to a job I loathed several months ago or now, stuck looking for a new job.  When I would hear a particular song on the radio--a song about new light coming into a cold situation--I would want to cry, thinking, "I even know what I want to name the group to help the homeless.  But how will I do it?"

So, I did a little research on local groups that help the homeless.  There is one group with a big financial endowment that gives homeless women and children shelter for several years and connects them with other services--job placement, counseling if needed, daycare--and there are other, less- funded organizations that at least provide temporary shelter.  I interviewed a director of one organization in person and called others. 

I told a friend at a church I had been attending but had not officially joined that I felt I wanted to help the homeless in some way.  In my email to her I said,

"I haven't told anyone there, but after my father was murdered in '06, I had a break down.  I would have a place to sleep at night, but I would often wander around.  I thought that I had a mission to do something good and make something good out of his death.  I would try to fix his house. I would try to do all these things. I would hallucinate--sometimes in a strange peaceful way, sometimes like a waking nightmare.  I kept up in a general way with how much I slept:  In 6-8 weeks after his death, I slept only about 20-40 hours for the whole time.  Before that, I felt bad for the homeless, especially the mentally ill among them.  After that, I really saw how you can think your life is in order (relatively), and one terrible thing can seem to ruin it.  I have meant to do something, especially in the last year, but I haven't really done much to research.  I started thinking about all the space churches have during the week that, but for a room or two, is just empty.

And, of course, life kept moving on.  I had to get my family together and get letters together against the parole of the girl involved in my father's murder.  I halfheartedly joined a Bible study on the Book of Esther, expecting to be bored, but found it very moving.  When we discussed the words, "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14 we talked about how even in our lives, which could seem so small compared to kings and queens and celebrities, we are put in place for a greater purpose.  It may not be fame and fortune, but God--the universe--however you envision it--can use what we thought were terrible circumstances to prepare us for good works.

Strangely, I began to feel much more at peace--in a stable, non-manic way--than I really ever have.  Of course, I have my moods and fears and annoyances, but I began to feel more in line with some kind of purpose and like even the wait wasn't useless.  Things would be fine.  There is an order, a larger plan.  So, after more than a year of going to the church without joining, I remembered the support they've given me and how dedicated they are to helping others, and I joined.

Then two things happened swiftly. The minister my friend introduced me to called to ask if I would like to help lead and form a new ministry for the homeless, and finally, two months later than expected, I found that the girl who participated in my father's murder was denied parole.

I still have many questions--about the ministry for the homeless, my life, everything.  On August 23, I am supposed to announce the minstry in front of the church and invite people to join, and I still don't know exactly what to say or exactly what role we will fill.  Our church has people who have been homeless, so I am hoping that they will join and have a lot of input.  Today I thought again about my father's death and why it happened.  I have have to tell myself over and over that in this life, I'll probably never know.

One question I did know the answer to was when the minister told me that I should be "thinking of a name" for the group.  I had only to think of the song about the light cutting through the cold.  Since it is a Christian-based group, we will change the 'u' in the title of the song to an 'o,' but the idea is the same.

I feel the ice is slowly melting.  It seems like years since it's been clear.

Please keep me and the new ministry in your thoughts, prayers, whatever. :)  And thank you for all your support and friendship in this long, crazy walk I've had.