In what has been described as a grass-roots movement turned grass-fire movement, Republicans everywhere are standing up against Socialist Firefighters bent on undoing the will of God.   The vast majority of Americans will never use the Socialized Service of Government run fire departments.   Staunch GOP voters are now repeating the question of, “Why should anyone (including “welfare queens", illegal aliens, and NPR listeners) be able to dial 911 and have a fire put out?”  The chairman of the Republican National Committee (his name has been withheld since he is no longer authorized to speak to the media) puts it this way.  “We are tired of the Government getting between us and our firefighters.  We believe in the private free market.  Americans, especially the elderly, know that a private “Haliburton” style department battling fires with small plastic bottled water supplied by “KBR” style contractors is a better approach to any emergency.   Our Grass-fire movement members (called “Burnies”) are especially outraged by the encroaching communism of Volunteer Fire Fighting Collectives.  Volunteer groups are precisely the cause of the downfall of the Romanov family in Russia.  To paraphrase the great Ronald Reagan, "Mr. Obama, tear these VFDs down!"  

 When questioned about how such privatization would work, we received the following answer, “It’s simple - when you have the need for emergency services, you provide an Independent Fire Protection Contractor with a certified copy of your birth certificate.  After verification of your birth certificate, they will run a credit check through three different credit bureaus to determine your raw Fico score.  Based on the result, they will determine what type of financing you will be eligible for in order to pay for them to put out your fire.  After you have been qualified (or declined – if you have poor credit or a pre-existing fire) with your Independent Fire Protection Contractor, you will start the process all over again with your Independent Water Supply Contract Provider.  At this point the Independent Fire Protection Contractor will verify that the Independent Free Market Fire Elimination Specialist Service Provider you selected is “in network”.  We just know that this system makes much more sense than dialing 911 and have a bunch of Socialists show up.”