Dave (not his real name) has been my best friend since Jr. High School. We have remained close although we have lived a thousand miles apart for many years.  As I suppose is the case with a lot of long-distance male friendships, we often go a long time without talking, but when we do get together, we just pick up where we left off, almost as if no time has passed.

 I got a letter from Dave.  An old fashioned, hand-written snail mail letter.  This was unusual to say the least.  The opening lines of the letter warned me to get ready for a shock.  The first thought through in my mind was divorce.  Dave has been married for over 20 years, and when we had talked, he had told me that he was kind of bored with it.  But still, it would have been a surprise.  He wasn't really considering divorce, and when it came right down to it, it seemed like when he talked about it, it was more out of sympathy for my own divorce.  So as I re-read his warning, I started thinking something more dire.  Maybe he'd stolen something.  But it was worse.

Dave's letter went on for 5 pages.  The first page told me what was up, the last 4 begged my forgiveness and tried to explain how he'd gotten himself into his situation.  Dave had gotten into a chat room and had an on-line 'romance' with a high school girl, a minor.  Dave and I are the same age, in our early fifties.  We both have daughters older than this girl. The 'romance' had progressed to the point where they agreed to meet, and as you might have guessed by now, his 'high school girl' turned out to be a police officer. 

Dave was abjectly sorry.  He had gone through a kind of  hell; a deserved hell, but hell nonetheless.  He'd been charged with a couple of felonies.  The press was camped outside his house.  He was was allowed to quit his job instead of being fired.  And of course, he had to face his wife and kids. He had fully cooperated with the police in their investigation, and they eventually offered him a plea deal where he pled guilty to a misdemenor, had to stay a zillion feet away from anyone under 18, had to go to counselling, stay off the internet for a year - a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember.

The letter arrived to me a few months after this had all happened.  He described to me how his family had handled it.  His daughter, in her early 20's was understandably disgusted with him, and they had not yet resolved that.  His teenaged son wouldn't talk about it.  His wife had been just amazing.  She had come to his support, helped him re-discover his religous faith, and was working very hard to both come to terms with it and to help him recover.  She has always been a really sterling person, and takes the 'for worse' of her vows as seriously as the 'for better'.  Dave tried to explain why he had done it - but in the end, he really couldn't, except to say he'd been in a really dark place.

At the end of the letter, Dave apologized to me for what he had done, and he asked me to remain his friend.  The first thought through my mind was "of course I'm still his friend!"  Friends stand together through thick and thin.   But I put the letter down and let it stew for a while.  Two weeks later, I received an email from his wife.  She told me that he had only written to two people, and that he really wanted to hear from me, even if it was me telling him how angry I was with him.  Angry?  I thought.  Why would I be angry?  He didn't do anything to me.  Upset I guess, shocked, but angry? So I answered her email.  I told her "of course Dave and I are still friends."  I told her that it might take me a little while to figure out how to best support him.  I dialed his cell.  He didn't pick up, so I left him a message telling him the same thing.  

I came home that night and told my girlfriend about it.  She said something that surprised me.  She told me she was sorry that my friend had disapointed me.  I told her that it wasn't about me, but she just repeated it.  It surprised me because I really didn't think it was about me. But she was right.  Of course I was disappointed in him.  But it was more than that.  I was angry with him.  I was angry with myself for having someone as a friend who would do such a thing.  I was totally pissed off that he was so stupid.

I haven't contacted him again.  I rationalized that it was like our normal friendship.  We didn't really talk that often anyway...blah blah blah.  There is a code.  You stand by your friends.  No matter what.  It's easier than trying how to figure out how you really feel about things.  But I feel guilty about not being a good friend.  That I know.  But do I really still want him as a friend?  Does it make me a jerk if I decide I don't?  Do I really have to forgive what he did?

 I still don't know how I feel about all of that.  I still have not called him.  It's been over a year.