A really bad day can only get worse when your husband calls you fat
This is the deal: Tonight Rich called me fat. And no I’m not exaggerating. I’m also not misinterpreting. Those very words came out of his mouth, or very close to them and under circumstances where I was feeling very vulnerable. ::Sniff::
Telling your wife that she is fat would be bad under normal circumstances, but I think that it was particularly cruel considering that I am in the middle of a crisis of personal appearance and I am sick with some gross mung throat thing that is making me delirious with pain. I mean, I could have antibiotic resistant strep throat. What else would make my uvula as large as the pendulum on a grandfather clock? It was possible that I could choke on my own spit or be unable to breathe.
And for me to visit a medical professional I have to be feeling lousy enough to think I might be dying, with, for example, the Swine Flu, West Nile Virus, meningitis or maybe a full body staph infection, something like that. Everybody knows that, including Rich. The fact is that I am the least doctor-going person in our family. My husband happily makes the trip for more maladies than I can commit to memory. My 88 year old mother schedules appointments with so many specialists that I have keep track of them on an excel spreadsheet. And my youngest son misses school weekly for an asthmatic condition I’m not even sure he has, but that provides him with an excused absence. But, me?: I go so rarely that the clinic’s turtle obsessed receptionist that’s been around for the 15 years I’ve been there, didn’t even recognize me or pronounce my name correctly. That made me feel terrible; we gifted her with a Costa Rican Loggerhead Turtle replica not too long ago. I’d remember that, wouldn’t you?
After I got home from the pharmacy, alone, I took pain meds and antibiotics for my throat, drank water because I knew it would be good for me and tucked myself into bed to try to sleep off the gross sickness. But, sleep wouldn’t come, probably because my throat was still sore as hell and I was hungry. There I was at home starving because not one of the many relatives I feed daily thought to throw me a bone for dinner. So, I wandered around the house in my pajamas, gnawing on a loaf of bread, attempting to figure out something productive to do with my evening. What better first option than waxing my upper lip? When I finished with that I gave myself a manicure and pedicure, cutting my heels to shreds with one of those callus removers. Then, I made a list of hair things I needed to schedule like a color, which included high and low lights, and a cut. I think I may have ordered some sandals on-line for my now bleeding feet. Subsequently, I started feeling really sad about all of the time consuming things I have to do now, at the age of 51 to beautify myself. They seem excessive not only in terms of time I can’t get back, but in terms of spending money that I don’t have. It follows logically that after that I thought of cartouche because she says she doesn’t color her hair, and I’ll bet she doesn’t have any unwanted body hair or calluses on her feet like I do.
By the time my husband came home, I was feeling pretty low, and after he folded himself into bed and started to read, I plopped down on top of him and started recounting the litany of mostly aging things that were upsetting me on this nadir of a gross day. When I mentioned the personal appearance things, he said something about plastic surgery, which confused me, although I guess I could see that laser hair removal would be advantageous, and although I hadn’t mentioned my aging face, I guess I could see where a nip and a tuck here and there could be useful. But, then he said something about liposuction, which is where I got really confused. I was on medications so I was feeling like I might have missed connecting the dots in the conversation, so I said that I didn’t know what he was talking about because I hadn’t mentioned my weight as an issue. Then came the bombshell. He said, “Well you’re fat and it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.”
I left the room and here I am now on the couch, listening to the roar of the air conditioning, and the roar of him snoring, and I’m wondering what to do with myself other than to go to visit a plastic surgeon and get a personal trainer STAT. My last thought before I went to sleep was cartouche's skinny body that doesn't even remotely need liposuction.
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I woke up this morning and Rich vehemently denies saying any of those things. He brought me tea. He thinks I was delirious.
I am confused.
What would you do?
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Comments
Take care of yourself. A half teaspoon of salt in 8 oz of warm (not hot!) water makes a comforting gargle, according to my childhood pediatrician. I've read in recent years that it's also antiseptic.
Get well soon.
I, like Cart, am bottle free (not wine bottle, hair color bottle). I refuse to try and be younger than I actually am. I do, on the other hand, try to be healthy. So screw 'em, I say! All those folks who think everyone in the us over twenty should color her hair! Hee hee.
You, my dear...might very well have been, if not delirious, just a tad over sensitive from the medications. Hell...the man brought you tea. Drink the tea, heal, breathe deep, and try not to be so hard on yourself. You are great just as you are (except for those tonsils and that huge, enlarged uvula).
kisses,
glou
I was all set to string your husband up on your behalf, but I think you might well have been delirious from the meds. And he might have told you you were fat, as a joke, after you had told him all the things that your delirious brain had told you was wrong with you. I think everything is okay. I'd put it down to med reactions. If it's not something that would normally have come out of his mouth, there's a good chance it didn't. So, trust that your world was skewed last night due to sickness. It happens. And take care of yourself. Get some rest.
Curves are a natural part of growing older, embrace yourself, even if he won't.
Feel better!
The plastic surgery ... well ... don't get any surgery done because your husband wants you to do that. no. You have to do what's best for you.
Seriously, though, were you on medications that cause hallucinations? I haven't heard of antibiotics causing that, but you never know.
Otherwise, I'm at a loss for what to do here. Sometimes men can be real assholes about this sort of stuff. My own fella has been getting on my case because, while I'm at a perfectly healthy weight for my height and get plenty of excercise in my day-to-day life, I don't "work out" or worry about what I eat or do sit-ups or arm exercises. Where my extra fat goes, it goes to my stomach and arms instead of my hips and thighs like most women. Basically, it's just a cosmetic issue, and not even a particularly bad one, so I've largely made my peace with it. But the boyfriend has not, and this causes problems.
Last night we got in a huge blowup--he wanted to go to the gym to swim laps and wanted me to go with him. I did and do NOT want to go to the gym. He was an athlete in school and gym class was no big deal to him. Though always pretty healthy, I was VERY uncoordinated and had a deformed knee that had to be corrected when I was twelve, resulting in two months on crutches, four months in a hip-to-ankle leg brace, and more than a year of a severe limp afterwards. It's no longer obvious except for the giant nasty scars on my leg, but I still cannot run fast or gracefully AT ALL. Gym class was hell on earth for me, and I'm not sure which was worse...the sadistic and belittling drill seargent gym teachers, or the patronizing "encouraging" ones. One of the great joys of being a grown-up is that no one can make me do jumping jacks or run laps EVER AGAIN.
Anyway, I didn't want to go to the pool, I didn't want to go swim laps, and I certainly didn't want to go with someone who was putting himself in charge of me swimming laps ala a gym teacher. He assured me that he wouldn't do that. Then we got to the pool, and I wasn't swimming laps (there were some boys there, I'd guess about 12 years old, who were having breath-holding contests and cannonball contests, and somehow I got called in to judge these contests), and he started trying to "encourage" me to swim laps, and I said that wasn't part of the deal, and he started in on the "you need to work your arms bit and DO SOMETHING about them," and that's when I got out of the pool. The last place you want to be crying is the damn locker room of a health club in Harvey, Louisiana.
We've been talking a LOT about this since last night--it hasn't been the first time something like this has happened, and I was honestly ready to throw his ass out. I do think, however, that on some level guys JUST DON'T GET IT. They simply DON'T have the cultural pressure to be young and thin (how many women dye their hair to cover gray, and how many men? Yet women don't go gray any earlier or in greater numbers than men) and, as an added whammy, they have faster metabolisms, don't have to deal with pregnancy and the associated bodily changes, and have fewer variable dimensions for their clothing to fit. It's EASIER for them to look young and thin.
(On the pedicure comment--since I wear sandals on the street and go barefoot whenever possible and walk an average of 5-7 miles per day during the week and 10-12 on the weekends, I get calluses like you wouldn't believe. The boyfriend is grossed out by this, and grossed out by the instrument used to remove them, and acts like I'm doing something wrong and neglectful of basic hygiene and feminine daintiness because I get them. He holds up his own--sock and sneaker-clad and usually non-walking--feet up and shows me how he doesn't get them. And my--male--boss once took a look at my feet in sandals and told me I needed to paint my toenails. I usually do, but it was on a weekend and just I didn't have any polish on that particular day. So it wasn't a case of me being ungroomed in front of customers or something like that (even though I wasn't aware toenail polish was considered de rigeur)...it was just him being obliviously rude.)
Well, now I'm rambling. Sorry. But the longer I live in the South the more I appreciate the Southern-mama tradition of beating politeness into children at a young age. I was informed by a friend's child that "you never never tell someone that they're old, fat, or ugly, even if they are."
Well put, young man.
If I was delirious then maybe I need to follow in the path of House?... or put yet another medication on the contraindication list...
I ask:`Do I look olds?
She said:`You got fat.
I say:`You make me coo coo.
She say:`We need a divorce lawyer.
I said:`I divorced you 23 years ago.
Lawyers can have you immediately.
I said:`I divorce you. I divorce you.
She hopes I will drop dead on the computer?
Men wish for any women's to smile in this Life!
Why do some women want to smile if we Dead?
I just want to be merry with a fat, or a skinny Lady!
I can't wait until I am 64. No body wants fat old me.
Maybe I'll paint toenails green, pink, blue, and black.
As far as the fat thing goes I would tend to agree with the other commenters who said that along with being sick, and with the meds your on you could well have misinterpreted the intent of what he said, if he said anything at all.
In close relationships we sometimes tend to be brutally honest BUT as a man from a long line of smart ass men I KNOW I have said many things that were misinterpreted. (Just occurred to me, might be why I'm single now)
Anyway I hope you feel better soon, and that the talk you will be having with the hubs plays out as it should.
I also don't like to be 'trained' by my husband.
He and my son are both grossed out by my feet/corns and make jokes about them. It's tough when you have long skinny feet and have to shove them sometimes into shoes too small to make them fit (well I don't do that anymore because I now have the income to buy very narrow shoes).
On the other hand, the men in my house are also very complementary of my looks. However, I think that this is the flip side of a still rotten coin. Too much attention to "looks" isn't good for anyone.
What I really want is someone that doesn't care about what I look like outside, but it's partly my fault that I don't have that person. I mean, we were both good looking people when we first met 28 years ago, and well, that was surely a part of the attraction. But, what happens now when there is no alternative (except plastic surgery) to the bloom fading from the rose? That's a part of aging.
denese
Now that you've stated Emphatically that he said it - I don't know.
All I do know is if you want to change your appearance - do it. But if you just don't feel like conforming to someone's idea of what you should be, Don't.
And live with your decision. Happily.
That's what I'm trying to do.
You are the prettiest, kindest, sweetest person in the whole wide world.
You get well. And you'll feel better all around. I Gar-un-tee!
Well that made me smile. PHAT. Of course.
During these times I'm not sure that at the age of 64 people stop being focused on looks. Maybe 94?
Actually, it probably doesn't have to do with age at all. It has to do with the kind of person you find.
Vanity-- there is a certain evolutionary reason that it exists, but boy can it cause problems.
I used be all anti that sort of thing, but now there are so many options and less invasive procedures. But that's just me.
d
I once had a therapist give me a bit of advice I will never forget, and which I will impart to you:
"When you are healthy or in a positive mood, be grateful. When you are sick or in a depressed mood, be graceful."
By this he meant, when you're sick or depressed, don't torture yourself with heavy thoughts and dark, critical ruminations. Take compassionate care of yourself instead. Rest. Read or watch something upbeat on television. Meditate on your garden. Distract your tired mind with gentleness. Be "graceful."
When you're in an up mood, the old car in your driveway can look like a beloved and beautifully maintained classic. When you're in a low mood, you're convinced it's a hateful pile of junk. And yet its the same car. It is only our state of mind that makes things look one way or quite another. Our state of mind interprets our situation as something we can handle, something we can work with -- or something that can destroy us. Try to remember that often.
(And LaRae totally made me snort Mt. Dew through my nose. Though, since you live in Louisiana, all kinds of sexing-up are technically crimes. Long live the Napoleonic Code!)
d
Prince Charming in the end is really not the handsome dude on the horse. He is the loving man who does not make appearance his primary concern. I wish such men would wear special hats or something so they could be easily identified.
I went through this with my ex-husband before I even gained weight. I just had the nerve to get older and he is 10 years older than me and has had white gray hair since was 25-years-old. He did not say "fat" but "you have let yourself go" just two months after I had a baby at age 41.
Like you I cried and I am again sorry that happened to you.
It's not the most mature solution, but that's what I'd do. I fight dirty....
Please don't do what I would. You are beautiful, physically fat or not. Fat has a double meaning in our society; on the one hand it means physically overweight and on the other it means a pig, someone who's dirty and sweaty with no impulse control. And you, denese, are not the second meaning. Not now, not ever. Feel better, okay?
The plastic surgery option is always and very much on my mind. However, as a gerontologist, someone that studies and loves older people, I feel like a traitor even contemplating it. Why should we have to make ourselves look 20 years younger than we are through a means that could kill us? Plus, if I'm going to die prematurely I'd rather have it be from swinging from the trees in Brazil than from the effects of a routine liposuction. I love a good story and that legacy sounds better.
Actually, even though the "fat" comment was made, I don't think I'd do lipo, it would most likely be a face lift of some sort. Jowls are what bother me. Not wrinkles really.
I'm sure that if I go that route it will be after the last child graduates from college, after all, there is a significant amount of money involved.
One minute I'm fur it and the next minute I'm agin it-- as they say in Louisiana.
I don't think I misremembered either. My problem with my weight is that I would really like to enjoy life and food, without working out 2 hours a day. I'm pretty sure that's what it would take for me too be as thin as I'd like to be.
And yes my husband is particularly overweight now, more so than he has been in years. So, I know from whence the comment came. I never would say anything disparaging about his appearance. And I don't notice weight or appearance in anyone else, which is why mine has apparently gotten away from me.
I've been married for a long time. I don't believe that statements like the one he made should be allowed to have a life, that is, I don't believe in letting something like this ruin my relationship or any relationship.
And there's truth in his statement: I am presently overweight. Now what to do about it?
But, it surely hurts.
I totally agree with you on your definition of a 'prince charming.'
Odetter, I don't have to have a conversation with him. I am overweight and it bothers him so I'll address it, after all he is married to me and has to look at my body.
FLW, it makes sense you'd think I was under the influence and therefore was delusional considering what you've recently been through. I was taking codeine but it hasn't caused me problems before.
ConnieMack, have I responded to you? Well, if not I'll say that you're a sage. It is important to absorb input, whatever it is, but respond in a way that you truly wish to, and then don't regret it or blame anyone else for your decisions.
Lalucas, I am considering screaming. I just need to wait until my throat feels better. But, good advice. :-)
Monsieur you are so right. Even today, what seemed unreasonable yesterday seems reasonable.
LaRae, he would do anything that I would ask him to do, legal or not. That, thank God is not one of his problems.
And Lea, I don't know what your secret is but you are so fabulous looking for your age, hell, for any age. What's your secret. And you're right, feeling good about myself is the goal. If that were to happen then this kind of thing wouldn't bother me to this extreme, even if I am/was sick.
AshKW, I've done that ugly stuff. Remember I've been married for 26 years. Lots of nasty things can be said in that amount of time. And you're right, it doesn't do a bit of good. And icemilkcoffee: yep, again, done that. However, it isn't a natural thing for me to do, because as I said previously, I just don't see the same flaws in him that he sees in himself (double chin, stomach, whatever).
Thanks to all of you. What a place. I would never, ever confide this sort of a thing to anyone else in any other forum.
d
Now he admits that he was either on Ambien (which I suspect) or benedryl (which would be a stretch for an excuse). Either way. Not good.
Maybe he thought it was what you were pushing him to say, to whack you on the head with it's absolute absurdity. All the of the advice here is so great and so true (leave it to OS members to say what's so perfect, it's hard to add anything useful), especially Mons. Chariot (to name just one), pick what you can use and use it.
You are also sick and being sick, like being angry, makes all conversation subject to misinterpretation. And I love you, you're gorgeous!
I don't give myself pedicures for the very results you shared. Besides, my feet are like horse hooves and would require a farrier if I didn't get them professionally done. GIve up the hair coloring and use that money for laser hair removal. You will be forever free from being owned by wax ever again!
But you definitely NEED to see a doctor. And stop thinking about me, would you? I have plenty of faults, I promise. HUGS to you and get well soon.
i'm kidding. i'm kidding.
d
back to bed for me!
d
Tomorrow I have to get weighed and am dreading it since I have hurricane stress weight. But you are lovely!!! So tell Rich to put that in his pipe and smoke it !!
YAY for OS!
I won't make this a habit, I promise.
xoxox
denese
So, the question is: how do YOU feel about your weight? Are you healthy? You eating right? Life is too short to be miserable, and for those of us who really enjoy good food but happen to be women with slow metabolisms, well, you know. I was stopped in the grocery yesterday by a woman about your age who was asking what was the best kind of cottage cheese to buy. She loathes cottage cheese but thought she should eat it to lose weight. What's the point in eating food you loathe? I offered my opinion that the best cottage cheese for her was none at all and suggested if she wants low-fat dairy she could make yogurt smoothies, which seemed like a plan.
If YOU feel like you want to make some changes, I'll be glad to hang with you and be a diet/exercise buddy. My theory is - eat good stuff, avoid bad stuff, never be hungry, work out hard for as short a time as possible.
You really are pretty, by the way.
I could use a personal trainer, like all of my rich friends here. But, I don't have one, which would leave my husband and he is as lazy about going to the gym as I am. The sad thing is there is a gym like practically around the block that is open 24 hours that we belong to. Sheesh.
It's up to me. I'm overweight. I mean, not morbidly but I could stand to lose a few and my jeans could fit better. He's right.
d
1) Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
2) Nobody makes derogatory comments about things about which they *know* we are sensitive.
3) Confused? See Rule 1.
Meds or no meds, making hurtful comments is a no go. From your photo, you're simply lovely. Another comment like that and it's "Bad dog. No attention for you" and walk away and do something great for yourself.
Maybe you could say something like, "Well, then come go walking with me every day, asshole! And cook me healthy meals or take me out to eat them. Here I am having to gnaw on whatever is left after I am done taking care of others!"
Now you see why I'm alone?
(Oh, and your hair looks very pretty, colored or not. Isn't the end result the most important?)
Delia, I am an excellent cook for everyone and my cooking is very healthy. It's not why I'm overweight. THAT has to do with portion size and lack of exercise. And I have said exactly that to him about working out together -- it was working for awhile but then we let it slip. I'm starting again. I'm also trying to imagine what it's like having a man slave in the basement.
Newton, you must be married. That's just what I did, once I recovered (I don't normally take antibiotics but needed them this time).
All, thanks for your concern and care. This has been a good experience for me (opening up to, like, anyone) and for my husband (who generously did not try to chastise me for 'airing our dirty laundry' and who supports me in writing whatever I wish. That's a gift).
d
You are a freaking saint.
I think that both of us use each other as punching bags, but we don't let it go quite so easily.
How is S. Africa this time of year?
denese
If your marriage is solid, think of last night like this: he listened, he felt your pain and offered plastic surgery, OR he unwittingly caused you pain and denies having done it because he loves you and didn't mean it, OR he didn't say it. Every scenario seems to be a win-win.
I try to make it a point to keep my chin hairs and other flaws to myself and remind my husband how sexy I am without pointing out the things a loving husband really doesn't see.
You're right. I shouldn't have told him about my hairy face or hair beautification problems. I should have complained to a girlfriend. There is something to be said for keeping the mystery intact in a relationship. And when you open the door to the "other (ugly) side" (realism) you shouldn't be surprised at what comes up.
Thanks Sally.
denese
GRRRRRR! Sorry but that level of careless insensitivity pisses me off - especially that he didn't care enough to console you but rolled his happy ass over and went right to sleep - never mind HIS imperfections! Jerk!
It was one of those things though that wouldn't have been made better by an apology either right after the fact or the next morning. It would have been like, "so what?"
Thanks!
denese
The part I'd pay attention to is how quickly and willingly you slid in to a morass of self-criticism. Be nicer to yourself! I mean it!! Really!! You're all you've got, and if you don't support yourself, no one else will - whether we meant to or not, we model how we want to be thought of/treated.
You're not feeling well, give yourself the same break you'd give one of your sick kids.
As for plastic surgery- age, like fat, is nothing to pass a moral judgement on. There are surgeries that are noninvasive that can help people address issues they can't otherwise address. Assuming you have your head on straight about the rest of your life there's nothing right or wrong about it. In my business I see people getting weight loss surgery by the hundreds, and though many people look down their nose and mutter about how these people should 'just' diet and exercise, well, the reality is that isn't working for them. None of them are having the surgery in order to look like Michelle Pfeiffer. To see how happy they are to lose some weight so they can play with their kids and not feel like crap all the time - it's a great thing. You want a weekend face lift or a little lipo, go for it. Don't beat yourself up if you get it, and don't beat yourself up if you don't - it's all ok! really!
Do I really have to stop insisting that Rich said what he did? Shoot.
Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them, really, as I think they're coming from a place of sisterhood. From what I've gathered you've become your own best source of support. I'm guessing that you developed into this self loving person after some trials. What we earn or learn we should teach.
You're right we are all we've got.
I get that.
We model how we wanted to be treated.
I guess I get that too. I just also happen to hate it.
My thinking was that as long as this happened, I would rather own up to my "issues" than deny them and be defensive. I'm not saying that this is an approach without flaws, because, as you can tell I can be very self critical. But, I'm sort of a champion at the defensiveness thing already, so I was branching out [wry smile].
This aging process surely helps us develop, no? So many things to learn from. I have some time on the cosmetic surgery question -- about 4 years, or until our youngest graduates from college. By then I should have Denese all hammered out, and I should have some money.
d
Even if you are not fat, it wouldn't hurt to loose some weight. Or for you it would be good to be a bit fat, because it would make your skin thicker.
denese
Nice to meet you.
I'm working on my appearance.
d
I'm better. I want to know for certain that you're okay.
d
:-)
hehehe. Well for me, losing weight isn't quite as difficult as growing back head hair might be for some. But, I'd bet that for others losing weight is nearly as impossible.
I guess you 'live down the street' from me. Living in LA with all of the fun and food doesn't help the weight issue!
d
You know what? Screw them! I don't know why men say such things, they don't seem to care or put in the equasion that a woman might have medical problems, or biological factors for gaining some weight, either.
I'm 5'2" and am between a size 8 & 10 , I was between a 6 & 8 when I met my husband he still says stuff to imply I'm fat! (while is at leat 30 lbs overweight himself)
Please don't get lypo, women have actually died from that.
I got some good diet & nutrition books recently, I'm currently reading The Engine 2 Diet by Rip Esselstyn, I reccommend you find some good books on nutrition so you can get sound nutritional advice.
I think some men say mean things to women about their weight because they're controlling or projecting their own negativity.
Thank you for bringing up this topic, and best of luck.
d
OH - but your piece was solid. It really packed in all the crappy shit that can happen in a day in gory, blow-by-blow detail. My throat hurt by the end!
You should read my posts, "Conformism and the Perversion of the American Male" and "Curvy Women are Always in Fashion."
I am 51 too! I think the hormones might make you feel emotional I feel that way too. I read your blog after I read your comment to the one on hating monogomy.I agree with you. I feel good about getting through the hard times with my husband, even if that means no sex. It doesn't even matter. rated.
Kim
Thanks for stopping by. Did I say that no sex was good enough? I think that my New Year's resolution will be that it is absolutely *not*!
:-)
No really. Marriage goes through many rocky stages and if you think that one of the valleys is the end of it, you will either be a serial monogamist or single.
denese