I’m starting to wonder if leaving this life is kinda like graduating.
I mean, maybe there are some things you finally learn to do and then you’re ready to die. At least I’m pretty sure there’s a case to be made for this theory.
One of these “learn to do and you’re ready die” things has to be remembering where you put the damned bread clip after you’ve opened your package of bread.
For those of you still buying bread sealed with twisty ties, a bread clip is a little “u” shaped piece of plastic that’s provided to keep the bread bag twisted tight at the end. It’s just like your twisty tie but much easier to lose. It also has the date stamped on it so you can always observe that your “new” bread is already 2 days past code date before you eat it.
When you lose a bread clip you’re forced to improvise in order to save your bread. You either rummage through drawers to see if you have a stash of twisty ties jacked from trash bags of ye days of yore or you wind the end of the bread bag like you’d wring out a shammy and fold it under the bag - deluding yourself that this will not allow your bread to instantly go stale.
It’s incredibly frustrating to lose your bread clip. And even if you manage to find a wire twisty tie to replace it, both you and the bread know this is wrong. Your bread used to have a bread clip. Now it has some other species of wire twisty thingy sealing it. It’s become like Ripley in “Alien Resurrection.” Your loaf is now part bread and part trash bag.
It’s also cold comfort to keep a cup of salvaged bread clips on hand to use in the place of the original that you know you just lost a second ago. It’s cheating. Cup o’ Bread Clips are the Cliff’s Notes of the packaged bread world. Knowing where you put the original is one of life’s great tests. Cheat and you’ll soon be waking in cold sweats from nightmares that you never graduated from High School.
I’m not entirely convinced, however, that losing my bread clip is only a matter of me carelessly tossing the thing aside each time I open the bag.
Is it so far fetched to imagine that the little bastards suddenly realize they are free and have a chance to escape, grow tiny legs and scamper off to find refuge in some secret bread clip sanctuary? (There must be hundreds of them huddled in there; smirking and laughing as they watch me make a sandwich. Sort of like the munchkins in “The Wizard of OZ” hiding and giggling while Glenda the Good Witch is talking with Dorothy, except the bread clips are mocking and blowing Bronx cheers.)
After like 20 or 30 years of unwrapping packages of bread - and knowing I’ll need to wrap them up again - you’d think I’d remember to put the damned bread clips in the same place. But no.
So, I’ve been thinking: One day I’ll have this heavenly epiphany. I’ll realize - while in the act - that I can put the bread clip in a certain place and it will actually be there when I’m ready to wrap the bread back up. And if I’m right about the whole “learn to do it and you’re ready to die” thingy, then when that day comes - wham - I’ll be gone.
My family will find me on the floor, passed to glory; a silly, satisfied grin on my face. But the bread? Ah! The bread will be lying neatly on the counter, wrapped up right as rain; sealed with the bread clip it came with.
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AJCalhoun
mypsyche
Reflections of a shallow pond
Colony of Losers
Persephone13
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
-r-
My problem with bread clips is that if you (as you call it) “cheat” even just once, then the value of the date stamped on the clip is useless since you never thereafter know whether the clip you're looking at is the right one any more. Rarely do they go to the trouble to imprint a product name on the clip so that you could repatriate the right item with the right clip if there were two clips on the counter and two things needing clipping right nearby. And heaven forbid you should have opened two bags of bread rather than finishing one completely through, so it's not just the bread brand but each loaf needs a serial number so that I can say, “Oh, loaf 9909177 expires next week but loaf 9803666 expired two weeks ago.” Then again, some people probably merge them so you'd want the individual slices to have RFID chips (edible, of course, perhaps substituting for a multi-vitamin containing lots of Iron and Zinc) that would notice when you moved a stray piece of bread into the wrong bag and void its “good until” date. And then there's the seal on the bag or having left the item in the wrong temperature—if only the little clip could know about that.
And do you wonder if you're supposed to cut open the little clips before disposing of them, like you're supposed to do with those plastic rings for soda cans, so they don't strangle some sea critter when they're poured into landfill and get run off into the ocean?
Boy, I can see how you managed to write this long piece. Once you start to think about this issue, you find yourself quickly going at a good, uh, clip.
sheesh. proofread much? sorry.
It is, for us mid-life folks, a predicament that begins with the intuitive valuation of things. It is light, undistinguished (as an object), and not useful for much else other than it's intended function. Twist ties, on the other had, have an exalted position because of their multi-uses.
the solution:
A special container marked with tasteful font and/or graphics, just for bread clips. This would be similar in design to the older match box dispenser used in the early to mid 20th century, hung on a cabinet, or wall inside the kitchen. A magnetic version could be designed for attaching to the fridg. Now........that done, you have to develop the habit of placing the clips in the container, even after use (believe me....the bread does not mind at all if you use a somewhat older, or different color clip....
I think aliens are teleporting the clips up to their ships, using them as cable neateners because the missing SOCKS WEREN'T GETTING THE JOB DONE.
I hope like hell they never discover twist ties, or my cache will be suddenly empty.
Oh, BTW - if a bread clip should go AWOL (Away Without Official Loaf) I try to squeeze as much air as possible out of the bag, then hold a spot with my left hand while my right spins the bag. Once sufficiently twisted, I tie a slip knot in the bag.
Sometimes it even works.
Ah, that should read "LOAF".
I'd like to find the duck that put the "D" next to the "F".
Ah, duck it.
Thanks for your kind words. I never saw that episode of Seinfeld but please... let’s not linger too long on the subject of missing socks and the dryers that mysteriously “disappear” them. I’ve replaced several dryers for this and found - much to my chagrin - that they all do it.
Kent,
Thanks for your winsome comment my friend. I should have known you would have thought about this much, much, more than I have. Which is... well... scary. Still, you really may be on to something with your edible RFID chips idea. The plastic rings that hold soda cans are for tripling and breaking in front of your wife or girlfriend. Yep. Very impressive.
Lorraine,
I’m with Ari or Christopher. That is just SO wrong. And cheating. Kinda like writing the words to a test on your arm.
femme forte,
Welcome to my world.
Gary,
Gary, Gary, Gary. You have offered kind and gracious advice - consistent your noble and outstanding character. But you have believed the lie. Yes Gary the lie. I said it. And I’ll say it again and again as often as I like until truth triumphs. I mean Good grief man - would you switch wedding rings with someone and feel satisfied you had a ring?! Thank you for your gentle and happy remarks.
Bill,
YES! Aliens. Dammit. Why didn’t I think of this sooner? You my friend are an insightful genius (and perhaps a closet conspiracy theorist). Bill? You and I both know a slip knot on the neck of the bag doesn’t truly work. That’s like... well... stapling your hat on! And besides trying to untie the bag is like getting a knot out of your little girl’s shoe. You buy new shoes instead. Too funny about the “D” and “F” keys. Way too funny.
I love the "OZ" imagery...I can see it!
Also great comments. This was a fun read all around.
Thanks!
I don't even eat much bread at home - I prefer buying it straight off the griddle with some num num meat and cheese betwixt the buttered slices - so it's weird that I spend so much time throwing it away.
I'll die happy when I learn to make eggs benedict at home.
Sometimes someone writes a perfectly apt sentence. "twisty ties jacked from trash bags of ye days of yore" is one of them.
I have no doubt at all that bread clips are somehow related to cats if that’s genetically possible. They’re of similar dispositions.
Stellaa,
Guilt is my gift to the world. But as one who read and rates your posts (though does not leave comments nearly enough) I would argue that you are anything but short on virtues dear lady.
rice paddie,
Wave on sister! The truth is out there and the gullible must be informed! attaching the article to the loaf of bread is a masterful touch. And no one, mark you, is anal retentive when it comes to bread clips. There are simply believers and non believers. Period.
yekdeli,
I am fairly certain your affection for twisty ties is a rebound reflex brought on by the rejection you’ve suffered at the hands (they have hands as well as feet?) f bread clips. Thanks for your comment on the OZ imagery. I hear their anything but “Optimistic Voices” every time I lose one.
chey,
It’s too late to save the bread sitting by your toaster. The emotional damage is done. But you can dedicate your life to saving the other loaves.
Deborah,
You had to go and give me another paranoia? (I have and organ card). Damn.
aim,
You should never say things like, “I'll die happy when I learn to make eggs benedict at home.” out loud nor put them in print. Talk about begging to be jinxed. My advice is swear off eggs while you still have a chance.
M.Mckenzie,
Ha! Thank you so much for sharing your discovery. This totally confirms my belief about the bread clips sprouting little legs. I have no cat!.
Stacey,
I deeply admire the “pragmatic” you. Why didn’t I think of that ...40 years ago.
Monsieur Chariot,
My kind friend. Leave it the gentleman to see past the trees and find the forest. A “hermetically resoluble bread bag” is a stroke of genius - though hardly surprising coming from you.
Steve,
Thanks for your kind offer. But unless you have the clips from my bags the bread and I will still totally know.
GeeBee,
Your comment, “Why are we eating bread four months out of date, and what the hell do they put in it so it isn't moldy?” made me laugh out loud.
alsoknownas,
Your suggestion would work just fine except I’ve had lasik surgery. I’m still screwed.
Sandra,
Still laughing at, “drinking tequila by firelight and gazing up at the stars and just, in their words, ‘being’......” Thank you for your kind words. The sentence you noted, of course, took me dozens of tries to try to get right. I’m still an ham and egg-er writer. Pfffft.
Tiger,
I think you made the right choice about not marrying him for sure. Bread clip/twisty tie issues should never be projected on the innocent. The clip/ties may have ruined our lives but why would we want to share that horror with anyone else?
You’re a therapist. You should understand this. Really you should :)
The non-intimidated-by-the-breadclips side of me did a happy dance reading that you throw them away. On the other hand, knowing how the little fellers can hide and plot and scheme to ruin your life after overhearing how you’ve been responsible for their demise worries me for you.
But so does the image of you with a knife. Wait. Oh. Okay. You use it to open your bread. I must read more carefully. Your “slice” of my life comment confused me :)
Thanks for your kind comment.
They would throw away the clip and close the bread by spinning the bag. Next they would take the open end and pull it (inside out) back over the twist, then continue pulling it over the bread.
It's kinda like pulling one sock inside out and over the other sock after saving them both from the dryer monster.
But if you started doing this, you wouldn't have had such a great topic for your well-written post.
I salute you.
Psst. Here's your damned bread clip. I've got sixty of them.
Somewhere I know my breadclips are hanging out with my favorite pens mocking me.
You did an excellent job with this, Dennis. But now, my day is screwed. ;) Hugs.
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment. I like the “pulling one sock inside out over the other” trick for the bread. It distracted me for a tiny moment. But I’m like Diogenes of Sinope. Except I’m looking for my bread clips.
Denise,
It was YOU?!!! Wait. I’ve been losing them longer than you’ve been alive missy. Don’t tease the grumpy forgetful old man.
Emma,
“Struggled” is exactly the right word Emma. Thank you. It’s all about the struggle when it comes to bread clips. Why can’t more people see this?
Glenn,
You made me laugh out loud. Did you ever notice how the hole in a bread clip exactly fits around the neck of your favorite pen? The abduction of your pens is no mistake. Mocking. Yes. Exactly. Mocking. Well done.
Patricia,
I’m so sorry for totally messing up your day. But that is my gift to the world. If you have nothing to feel disturbed about on any given day ask me. I will happily tell you what you should be and, as a result, will be troubled about for the remainder of it. Thank you :)
Cathy,
Dear lady you must never ever curse bread clips - either silently or out loud. Twisty ties were designed to maim and injure. There is not a soul alive who has not made a finger bleed from some rusty old tie. You are not mad Cathy. You’re perfectly sane.
Danged if you aren’t the first person to actually solve the problem... though your appetite is more than a little bit scary.
Donna,
Thank you for you kind remarks. They are appreciated very much. I’m only hoping against hope that my relationship with bread clips is in no way a metaphor of my life!
MJ,
Thanks for your comment. True enough. Come to think of it, no one really does teach us about bread clips do they? Hey. So I’ve actually offered a public service here then. It’s a shame no one taught the same kind of course about the cool inner sleeves with liner notes that accompanied LP’s back in the day. I’d love to find a few of those that I lost!
Thank you very much for the kind words. As anyone can tell you, “Maudlin” is my middle name.
You see how even the mention of this subject leads to confusion? I’m telling you there’s something eerie about the power of these little bastards. Defend deep sixing them and suddenly we’re not even sure what we do with our bread. Thanks for your humor and your comment.
This was fabulously written. I truly loved every word!
Thank you for your very kind words. Reading your descriptions of the various locations you found bread clips I know I am talking with a true believer. You also understand their powers to escape, hide, ridicule and mock. The image is not far from the one represented in this old classic animated commercial. If you simply replace the foods in this ad (click here) with an image of your lost bread clips I think we’d both agree that’s how the little criminals behave.