The world is teeming with namby pamby individuals who speak and behave so sweetly it gives the rest of us sugar diabetes just being around them.
These are honey bees who have lost their stingers. They’re neutered and good for little else besides spreading their own special brand of gag-me-with-a-spoon “encouragement.”
If the world needs anything right now it needs more of us to embrace a cantankerous disposition. So here’s some time tested advice on how to become a curmudgeon.
• Stop Listening. Why bother? Do you really think you’ve gotten this far in life without already knowing everything you need to know?
• Cultivate the fine art of impatience. This is harder than it sounds. It’s not enough to simply appear impatient. You must actually be impatient. Under this heading there are many helpful hints:
Look at your watch - often. Looking at your watch every few seconds while someone is talking to you is one of the best ways to demonstrate you’re weary of them yammering.
Learn to tap your fingers on tables in an ever so noticeable “Are you going to go on forever?” manner.
Practice yawning. This not only shows you’re bored, but can cause everyone in the room to yawn and appear bored too. This is a major coup when successfully pulled off.
Learn the staccato timing of saying “mmm hmm.” Inject “mmm hmm” after every few words spoken by whoever is talking. This shows a wicked, “Will you hurry up already” type of impatience, while giving the impression that you’re light years ahead of whatever point your chattering friend is trying to make.
Understand that sighing is a language. Never sigh winsomely. Inhale deeply and then exhale with a snort. If this doesn’t shut folks up they’re not paying attention.
Study eye rolling and eyebrow raising. This cannot be stressed enough. Use a mirror and aim for subtlety. If you can affect these disdainful expressions while dismissively snorting, all the better.
• Become Set In Your Ways. Nothing is less curmudgeonly than being open to change. Under this heading the following points are vital.
Insist on things being done to please YOU. Demand things wherever you are. Food servers, clerks at stores, friends and family members exist to attentively comply with your every whim. “Please” is not in your vocabulary, unless it’s said in a mocking manner. Pretend you are 5 years old, but all powerful.
Practice pouting. Let people learn quickly there will be hell to pay if you are crossed. Make them understand what sort of “wet blanket” they’ll have on their hands if you’re not coddled and sucked up to.
Forget right and wrong. These are subjective terms the weak cling to. It is your way or the highway.
• Argue About Anything and Everything. Even if you agree. Argue anyway. Never miss an opportunity to quarrel. Make up facts and cite imaginary authorities. This is very frustrating to your opponents.
• Be Peevish. Confront the Pollyannas of this world head on. When someone says, “Good morning!” respond with, “What’s good about it?!” If asked, “How are you feeling?” reply with, “None of your damn business.” When someone inquires “What time is it?” tell them to buy a watch.
• Finally - Ignore Your Better Instincts. Perhaps, like me, you see some of these curmudgeonly tendencies in yourself already. But don’t go getting all soft and introspective. If you forsake the crabby and petulant path you’ll just become another touchy-feely, “nice” person. And everyone knows how pathetic that is.
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AJCalhoun
mypsyche
Reflections of a shallow pond
Colony of Losers
Persephone13
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
Oh. Yeah. Right. Sorry. Everybody knew.
One more thing: Don't tell me what kind of day to have, 'kay?
Unless you'd like to, of course.
Sorry.
I'm pretty good at stomping off, too--does that count?
{stomps off} See?
;-)
It also helps if even when you're smiling inside your face doesn't show it, though I suppose a true curmudgeon is never smiling on the inside.
So, you're Italian?
Honestly, Dennis - that was the only part I read because I already knew this shit.
*YAWN*
That was so long I should have gotten a free meal with that, buster.
Geez.
R
yours in irritation,
the crankish peeve
Excellent advice, across the board. Might I add texting while you're supposed to be listening in a meeting? That's just rude. And I'm doing it right now
{[R]}
Thanks Dennis.
**Rated for humour & insight**
Oh, wait....did I say that? Just in case you are wondering, which of course you aren't, I am looking really bored right now. Kinda tired like and...I don't know...bored...but I didn't have anything else to do this a.m. so I read this thing....I forgot, what is it called?
I mean it was almost, you know, interesting.
Love your artwork. I noticed your name is under the curmudgeon dude.
scanner - thank man. It’s a fearful piece for me to reread.
Mary - thank you for the kind words. If you did try this for a day you’d feel terrible and you know it. But we’d get a great post out of it from you. Of that I’m sure.
Boanerges - you and me both man. Yeah okay. Whatever :) Thanks for the comment.
Chris - I know enough of you up there now that I plan on staying indefinitely and rent free. Thanks for the kind comment.
MrsRaptor - don’t feel badly about being near it. I’m looking at it in the rear view mirror. Thanks.
Jeff - I know! I mean why would anyone read my tripe! Thanks.
Placebostudman - ha! if any of us can actually be trained. Thank you.
mypsyche - my sentiments exactly. Thanks :)
O’Really - I’m hoping John will get a kick out of this. Thank you.
Padraig - well that makes one of us! Thank you :)
spotted - you look so cute when you stomp, specially wearing the scooby-doo slippers. :) Thanks.
bobot - uh huh. Constantly. :)
Daniel - ssshhhh. Please don’t ell anyone. It will run my rep. :)
Fudo - .00000001¢ in tippem fees. :) Thanks.
Owl - nope. At least nothing of consequence. As usual. :)
Julie - yeah okay, whatEVER.
Stacey - truer words were never spoke my friend. Now you figure out which ones. ;P
Bill - I’m Scotch-Irish. We’re the same. Except we do it with Scotch instead of whine... errr... I meant “wine.” I’ll be sending you that free meal voucher real soon. To the .99¢ Store. Thanks man.
Donna - I think it’s a gender neutral term nowadays. But I was aiming at the the guys. Mostly. Kinda. Not really. :) Thanks.
nextplease - he said to tell you that’s none of your business. :) Thanks.
femme - ah! a litigious peeve too! :) Thank you.
surly - who knew?! Dear God woman. We all did! :) Thank you.
Stellaa - I would argue with you on both the bird and the modifier. I’d say more of a persistent hummingbird. Thanks.
Frank - ah yes. Texting. Though no true curmudgeon has anything to do with new fangled technology. :) Thanks man.
Leepin Larry - okay. Geez. Thanks for your comment. :)
greenheron - deal. as long as I can sell your share of grumpy. Thank you.
Clark - ha! I totally qualify. Thanks.
Amanda - yes! My reverse psychology worked!!! Thank you.
Scarlett - I just wish you could have said that with way less words. Seriously, thank you :)
Nikki - I’m with you on this 3 year plan. Only I started 30 years ago. :) Thank you.
L - you qualify? Then that makes me the devil. Thank you :)
That's what passes for entertainment around here anyway. Thanks for a very witty post.
When the Great Barrier Reef was built, no-one had any idea the thing would be flooded. Who's laughing now, eh ?
Great post Dennis. Wish I'd thought of it. Damn!
Rated and appreciated!
Guess I still have my stinger but I am generally pretty sweet....until crossed:)
Cheers-
"blah-blah-blah-blah-blablah-blah-h-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah..."
I'M BORED! You're not talking about princesses! Buy me a pony! Petulant is a paving stone on the way to curmudgeon... or bitch. What-ever!
::yawn::
I'm gonna work on this right now. Thanks for the advice. Oh...I mean...Uh...No thanks for the unwanted advice. I didn't ask your opinion. (How was that?)
Or, to be more in keeping with the piece and pay homage to one of the finest fictional curmudgeons,
"Bah - humbug!"
Yawn.
Kenny - I know. I know. I’m a slow learner - what can I say?
chey - as the primary focus of my most curmudgeonly behavior, you know all too well how spot on this is. Pffffttt.
Nick - don’t they just though. Thanks.
Ann - thank you for the kind words. You totally made up “Woolycooterness” :)
Dear reader - your comment made me laugh out loud. My poor daughter is really in for a ride now.
Kim - I’m not sure how to take that but I liked it - lots. Thanks :)
Lea - thank you for your kindness. Observation and hopefully transformation too :)
John - when I get positive feedback from you on anything intended to be funny I figure it’s worth it’s weight in gold. Thanks very much.
M - ah! I like that! “selective curmudgeonry.” That’s a keeper M. Thanks.
Lainey - you definitely win the the award for the most fitting comment so far, on this post. Thanks :)
Janie - thanks very much for your kind words. But what the hell is wrong with being an old man?!
Eden - thank you for the kind encouragement. You can excel still more by honing your senses to “feel” crossed by nearly everyone. Just takes practice :)
CK - if you weren’t like a little sister to me I’d give you a piece of my mind for your snarky comment. But then my mind would do you little good, except to entertain you by the sound the marble sized thing made rattling around inside your way too smart head. Pfffttt.
Aunt Mabel - that’s what I forgot! The “relentless cynicism.” Dang! Thank you.
Karin - I am here to help. If I can assist in breeding discontent and teaching bad manners I have lived for a reason! Thank you.
Steve - yeah. That oughta whittle it down to about 4000 a week. Good doctors draw crowds. Funny good doctors draw bigger crowds.
Gwendolyn - it was magnificently insulting. You may pick up your gold star - after detention.
Carolyn - you had me grinning and laughing with your comment. I hate that. Thanks very much.
Humph! ::STOMP::
*crosses arms and waits for gold star*
(Sorry, bro... I think this tiara has gone to my head. I think it's like Gollum and the ring.)
(Great post Dennis, it confirms what all we curms knew all along. Haruumpff!)
Very impressive! And very funny! Nicely done!
geezerchick - it’s tippem :)
CK - okay, okay. A gold star - but after detention only. And, yeah, watching you stroke your tiara while whispering, “My precious” is a little creepy.
Reid - thank s for your kind comment.
MJ - thanks bro. I’ll toss your words backatcha. You always make my blog look smarter.
Bonnie - like I said to sw, practice makes perfect.
v. seijo - ah! Whole countries waiting to be pillaged by grumpiness! Thank you.
Lunchlady - little curmudgeons are not an unheard of thing. I’m pretty sure W.C. Fields thought they existed. Thanks for your comment.
I was the 1st to identify john blumenthal as a curmudgeon. =)
Im not lyin, look it up in his comments.... =)
I remain, faithfully yours,
Pollyannabananafanaroxanadana!!!
One more thing to add - the thousand yard stare. You can part crowds of pedestrians as Moses unto the sea with that technique.
Great post, thanks for the laugh.
The folks who can pull this stuff this off, they live to be 98 years old, old enough to make life miserable for their great-grandchildren. Everybody else dies before 65 of stress-induced heart disease or some such, and you can look that up-- it's 86% true, 41% of the time.
And, back after my long hiatus, I hope you have not drifted too far away.
(o geez, dad's doing, what is that, his renaissance faire thing?)