The world is teeming with namby pamby individuals who speak and behave so sweetly it gives the rest of us sugar diabetes just being around them.
These are honey bees who have lost their stingers. They’re neutered and good for little else besides spreading their own special brand of gag-me-with-a-spoon “encouragement.”
If the world needs anything right now it needs more of us to embrace a cantankerous disposition. So here’s some time tested advice on how to become a curmudgeon.
• Stop Listening. Why bother? Do you really think you’ve gotten this far in life without already knowing everything you need to know?
• Cultivate the fine art of impatience. This is harder than it sounds. It’s not enough to simply appear impatient. You must actually be impatient. Under this heading there are many helpful hints:
Look at your watch - often. Looking at your watch every few seconds while someone is talking to you is one of the best ways to demonstrate you’re weary of them yammering.
Learn to tap your fingers on tables in an ever so noticeable “Are you going to go on forever?” manner.
Practice yawning. This not only shows you’re bored, but can cause everyone in the room to yawn and appear bored too. This is a major coup when successfully pulled off.
Learn the staccato timing of saying “mmm hmm.” Inject “mmm hmm” after every few words spoken by whoever is talking. This shows a wicked, “Will you hurry up already” type of impatience, while giving the impression that you’re light years ahead of whatever point your chattering friend is trying to make.
Understand that sighing is a language. Never sigh winsomely. Inhale deeply and then exhale with a snort. If this doesn’t shut folks up they’re not paying attention.
Study eye rolling and eyebrow raising. This cannot be stressed enough. Use a mirror and aim for subtlety. If you can affect these disdainful expressions while dismissively snorting, all the better.
• Become Set In Your Ways. Nothing is less curmudgeonly than being open to change. Under this heading the following points are vital.
Insist on things being done to please YOU. Demand things wherever you are. Food servers, clerks at stores, friends and family members exist to attentively comply with your every whim. “Please” is not in your vocabulary, unless it’s said in a mocking manner. Pretend you are 5 years old, but all powerful.
Practice pouting. Let people learn quickly there will be hell to pay if you are crossed. Make them understand what sort of “wet blanket” they’ll have on their hands if you’re not coddled and sucked up to.
Forget right and wrong. These are subjective terms the weak cling to. It is your way or the highway.
• Argue About Anything and Everything. Even if you agree. Argue anyway. Never miss an opportunity to quarrel. Make up facts and cite imaginary authorities. This is very frustrating to your opponents.
• Be Peevish. Confront the Pollyannas of this world head on. When someone says, “Good morning!” respond with, “What’s good about it?!” If asked, “How are you feeling?” reply with, “None of your damn business.” When someone inquires “What time is it?” tell them to buy a watch.
• Finally - Ignore Your Better Instincts. Perhaps, like me, you see some of these curmudgeonly tendencies in yourself already. But don’t go getting all soft and introspective. If you forsake the crabby and petulant path you’ll just become another touchy-feely, “nice” person. And everyone knows how pathetic that is.