Transgendered Musings...
Yesterday my friend came out to me.....Not as a gay man, or even a closet ABBA fan...but as transgendered.
Being a gay man myself this shouldn't be a big deal for me right?...I wish it were so simple... I love my friend a great deal. We have been through alot together. This is a very hard post to write today because it brings back so many memories of times past...midnight drives to the beach driving at mach twelve down curvy coastal roads, listening to the b-52's and Adrien Belew. Laughing at Him when he would constantly hurt himself working on cars and listening to Iron Maiden(hey we were teens)even though I couldn't stand them. Todays post title borrows the title of her Blog here on this site. The reason I use it is because her confession to me has caused me to do alot of musing since then about the emotions others feel when we come out to them, and how Transgendered people really push our understanding of ourselves.I use the pronoun "her" going forward because that is who she is now, Carina, a male undergoing the difficult process of becoming female...what she feels is her true self regardless of the body she was born into.
I knew every feeling she was going through in revealing something so intimate about herself. Needing acceptance so badly, the urge to finally reveal all and unburden the soul of its secrets. The apprehension and certainty that sit together side by side in your heart. How can I as a gay man ever deny her my complete acceptance and love?...I can't, I won't. I fully support her knowing what it means to have that inner sense that, there is a true self inside of you that you need to express. To do anything else is like living in the land of the shadow of death...a world of greys with little joy. Coming out and loving a man for the first time for me was like that moment in the Wizard of OZ when everything is in color for the first time. It was like my first breath.
So wheres the problem?... The more I thought about "his" life becoming "her" the more I thought about the dangers she would face living in a homophobic small town community and slowly starting to look more female. I thought of her now exwife and two children and how they would answer the question, "what happened to Daddy?". And the big kicker...It felt like a death.
I had to realize that the friend I knew would no longer exist as I knew them. Even though I love and accept her no matter what, there is a part of me that is sad. I know everything that makes her what she is will always be in there...lopsided smiles, greasy knuckles, and a taste for wierd music...and eventually I will come around. I think I just got a dose of what my parents went through when I came out to them...I wonder how long they were sad?. I am sorry for that even though I know it as neccesary...as I believe Carina's revelation was to me.
Another dimension to this is that I know just enough about being transgendered to hang myself. In the gay community they are so little recognized for their struggles to gain acceptance. I have heard lots of stories about transgendered people being made to feel wierd by some of us gays. Thats just appalling but, I'm not one to cast stones here. Take for example Jays and my reaction to Bananabread119's coming out as transgendered on Youtube. We had to get over our preconceptions, prejudices,...and attraction to what we saw as a good looking guy. mayby we get so comfortable in our own bodies sometimes that we can't imagine how someone feels who is not. I have heard some people refer to it as a form of self mutilation..."I could never do that to myself"..."I could never have my (fill in body part here) cut off!" What many people fail to recognize is that it isn't who they want to love that is at stake...it is something just as intrinsic to their being...their bodies and sense of self. I think the real mutilation is done to the soul in not being able to be who you really are inside, to be free to live in truth. It shocks me that gays and lesbians can look at a trangendered person and not see themselves in them, that they cannot see the same heart and same struggle to be true...to love true.
To my best and oldest friend Carina. I will always be here for you no matter what foolish things may be in my head. May you and all transgendered people find the courage to live your lives out loud, to teach us through your love and courage what it means to be a man or a woman, and to take your place with all of us as our friends/family/fellow human beings....and more.
Much Love, Bryan
P.S. here is the link to Carina's Blog. Check her out:
Being a gay man myself this shouldn't be a big deal for me right?...I wish it were so simple... I love my friend a great deal. We have been through alot together. This is a very hard post to write today because it brings back so many memories of times past...midnight drives to the beach driving at mach twelve down curvy coastal roads, listening to the b-52's and Adrien Belew. Laughing at Him when he would constantly hurt himself working on cars and listening to Iron Maiden(hey we were teens)even though I couldn't stand them. Todays post title borrows the title of her Blog here on this site. The reason I use it is because her confession to me has caused me to do alot of musing since then about the emotions others feel when we come out to them, and how Transgendered people really push our understanding of ourselves.I use the pronoun "her" going forward because that is who she is now, Carina, a male undergoing the difficult process of becoming female...what she feels is her true self regardless of the body she was born into.
I knew every feeling she was going through in revealing something so intimate about herself. Needing acceptance so badly, the urge to finally reveal all and unburden the soul of its secrets. The apprehension and certainty that sit together side by side in your heart. How can I as a gay man ever deny her my complete acceptance and love?...I can't, I won't. I fully support her knowing what it means to have that inner sense that, there is a true self inside of you that you need to express. To do anything else is like living in the land of the shadow of death...a world of greys with little joy. Coming out and loving a man for the first time for me was like that moment in the Wizard of OZ when everything is in color for the first time. It was like my first breath.
So wheres the problem?... The more I thought about "his" life becoming "her" the more I thought about the dangers she would face living in a homophobic small town community and slowly starting to look more female. I thought of her now exwife and two children and how they would answer the question, "what happened to Daddy?". And the big kicker...It felt like a death.
I had to realize that the friend I knew would no longer exist as I knew them. Even though I love and accept her no matter what, there is a part of me that is sad. I know everything that makes her what she is will always be in there...lopsided smiles, greasy knuckles, and a taste for wierd music...and eventually I will come around. I think I just got a dose of what my parents went through when I came out to them...I wonder how long they were sad?. I am sorry for that even though I know it as neccesary...as I believe Carina's revelation was to me.
Another dimension to this is that I know just enough about being transgendered to hang myself. In the gay community they are so little recognized for their struggles to gain acceptance. I have heard lots of stories about transgendered people being made to feel wierd by some of us gays. Thats just appalling but, I'm not one to cast stones here. Take for example Jays and my reaction to Bananabread119's coming out as transgendered on Youtube. We had to get over our preconceptions, prejudices,...and attraction to what we saw as a good looking guy. mayby we get so comfortable in our own bodies sometimes that we can't imagine how someone feels who is not. I have heard some people refer to it as a form of self mutilation..."I could never do that to myself"..."I could never have my (fill in body part here) cut off!" What many people fail to recognize is that it isn't who they want to love that is at stake...it is something just as intrinsic to their being...their bodies and sense of self. I think the real mutilation is done to the soul in not being able to be who you really are inside, to be free to live in truth. It shocks me that gays and lesbians can look at a trangendered person and not see themselves in them, that they cannot see the same heart and same struggle to be true...to love true.
To my best and oldest friend Carina. I will always be here for you no matter what foolish things may be in my head. May you and all transgendered people find the courage to live your lives out loud, to teach us through your love and courage what it means to be a man or a woman, and to take your place with all of us as our friends/family/fellow human beings....and more.
Much Love, Bryan
P.S. here is the link to Carina's Blog. Check her out:
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Christopher di Spirito
gaypersonsofcolor
hyblaean- Julie
Thomas Rogers
Kerry Lauerman
Joan Walsh
Salon.com
Comments
( I don't see the link)
So tomorrow she walks into your apartment just like HE did yesterday after changing the brakes on his car. Is there a difference? Is this not the same friend you had yesterday? If you talked on the phone, would you know he now has a different body and is a her?
Would you care if tomorrow she showed up being black instead of white? Or is she still your friend?
Granted it won't be that fast and hormones do strange things to the way you think, but she is still your friend. Look at her as who she is, not as a body type.
"I think the real mutilation is done to the soul in not being able to be who you really are inside, to be free to live in truth." This line will remain with me...it couldn't be stated any better.
I understand exactly what your saying. Ultimately what you posted here is what I was trying to get accross but ,that its not always an automatic process . Sometimes we have to let go of our idea of someone to see the acknowledge what we know of them underneath that idea. Like it or not my idea of Carina was an image of her in my mind as much as it was her traits and actions.
To some extent we can create our own identities; in other cases not. For example, I could become a biker or a Republican or a ham radio operator, but I couldn't become Japanese. Even if I had eye surgery, learned the language, loved the emperor, and became obsessively concerned about business cards, I still wouldn't be Japanese.
I have a good friend who converted to Judaism about 30 years ago. Today he goes to a synagogue, celebrates the Jewish holidays, eats bagels, spins the dredel (or whatever it's called), and does everything and more that one would associate with a Jewish identity. But to me he's still an ordinary guy, a lapsed Presbyterian who was never a very good Presbyterian to begin with. I try to think of him as a member of "the Jewish people," but it just doesn't work. One the one hand there are the Jewish people, and other the other hand there is my friend, and in my mind the two don't intersect.
A few years ago I ran into a guy whom I had known for many years as (not his real name) Freddy Smith. But Freddy had gotten into Norse religion and was now Hakkon Ragnaskanther, or some damned thing. When he told me his new name I thought to myself "dude, you should have just gotten a tattoo. . . . " He's still Freddy to me, and always will be.
But here's a question: am I obligated to embrace someone's new identity? People have a right to change identities, but on the other side do we have an obligation to buy into the new identity -- an obligation to feel the same way about the new identity that the person himself feels about the identity? If an American Baptist female friend one day shows up as a male Serbian Rastafarian, am I obligated to conclude that she (he) is now in fact a male Serbian Rastafarian? Are there any limits on what we are expected to embrace?
Catnlion writes: " . . . . she is still your friend. Look at her as who she is, not as a body type."
Well no, it doesn't work like that. It's not just a "body type." Maleness or femaleness (and many other aspects of idenity) consists of an entire complex of internal and external traits, one of which is the person's history and how we have known him or her over the years. You can call yourself whatever you want and look like whatever you want, but I think it's too much to expect the rest of us to rewrite or ignore history.
The thought that a person would have surgery of such magnitude convinces me of their desperation and crying need for the change. However, some find it does not solve their problem in the end. We cannot rewrite history or pretend it didn't happen.
Understanding transgendered instantly is probably not as important as being willing to struggle with it while loving and supporting the person going thru the change. Bigotry's and squeemishness over the unfamiliar cannot be conquered by shame, silence, and denial. If it were true we'd be over the darn race thing.
_____________
Truly. For some reason some gay guys have a problem with Tranz peoples. As I wrote on my own blog back in April, 2009:
Why is the T in LGBT...and why is it last?
...When we should be first. The funny thing about Stonewall, is that the police harassment preceding the riot was fundamentally aimed at trannies. "The raid did not go as planned. Standard procedure was to line up the patrons, check their identification, and have female police officers take customers dressed as women to the bathroom to verify their sex, upon which any men dressed as women would be arrested" (wikipedia). Yet, I believe we trannies are relegated to punchline status in the LGBT communities. Here is a post I wrote a while back on tribe:
"I am waiting in line at Starbucks on 18th street, near Castro, when this table of six older gay guys start harassing me by saying stuff behind my back just loud enough for me to hear. The first is like, 'Is that a girl or a guy?' Then the other is like, 'It's a guy, you can always tell because they wear make-up.' Then they start commenting on my butt. One says something about my "large ass" then the others start taking about 'largess,' in silly little comments. This is not the first time gay guys have put me down. I find it amazing. I am 5'10", active, a former Marine, and I didn't grow up in no freakin middle-class, American-dream suburb. I could spill any of these fuckers. It takes a lot of moxie to be insulting someone who can kick your ass. Most of the guys that do the insulting look like they've never been in a fist fight. Where the hell do they get off doing that? and why is it alright to be insulting me, when most of them have been subject to harassment about their orientation. It's bullshit. I am fucking getting sick of it."
In other news - I decided to go back on the medications I take for depression, because of my reckless disregard as described below. We'll see if I stay on 'em.
Well that would be true if the change in question was suddenly decided upon. Most of the time with transgendered people as with gay people that knowledge is withing us all along. The only thing that changes is our acceptance of it. I had fantasies about men all my life but for some reason refused to call myself gay. I just buried it and tried to pretend it wasnt there. It simply was not an option. I dated girls because thats what we are supposed to do. Its what we are taught will happen to us when we "grow up". Finally, ...when the pressure of keeping it down was too much I decided to look at it honestly and see what was so scary about it. I imagine that something similar goes on in a transgendered person. Nothing really changes in there identity but the end of a long time of denial.
"But here's a question: am I obligated to embrace someone's new identity?"
Of course not. you dont have to accept anything. Its still a free country after all. At least for the time being. I keep waiting for Disney to buy the country next....but thats another story....you dont have to accept anything. But by continuing to love your friend for "just being a regular guy" arent you practicing a form of acceptance anyway? And probably the kind your friend really wants.....unconditional.
"Well no, it doesn't work like that. It's not just a "body type." Maleness or femaleness (and many other aspects of idenity) consists of an entire complex of internal and external traits, one of which is the person's history and how we have known him or her over the years. You can call yourself whatever you want and look like whatever you want, but I think it's too much to expect the rest of us to rewrite or ignore history."
All this is true....unless of course I want to acknowledge and respect my friend for the person who they are now and not hold on to the image of someone who is no longer there in some sense. Whats makes them who they are is still in there...just with a different face. Also an image is just that...an image, not the person who was inside that image all along. One day I'll be dead and who knows what significance my body will have had on whatever passes for a soul.
If I want to continue to have a meaningfull friendship with this person...then yes...I think acceptance is called for.
"But here's a question: am I obligated to embrace someone's new identity?"
That is a complicated question. For instance, in the work place, California has a non-discrimination law that "...does outlaw intentional or persistent refusal to respect a coworker or employee's gender identity."
http://www.nlgsf.org/resources/TKYRFactsheetEmployment.pdf
I've always been very open minded about things. I will consider options that are put in front of me, directly or indirectly.
Years ago I had this blond who worked for me as a sandwich maker. One day during lunch, she got my attention and said "catch the tits on the blond in the corner". Everyone who knew her knew she was a lesbian, and she was smokin' hot, it was that moment that I realized I was working with a man.
Your Jewish friend didn't start out that way. He changed and that is what he became. I submit that Carina has always been Carina. That she changed her body, but the thoughts, actions, beliefs etc have always been what they are now. That changing her body will not change the underlying person. So what changes the history of the person who changes their body?
Now you are right about there being an external change that needs to be over come. If you were blind, would you know that there was a body change, or would they be the same person you always knew? Yes the package changed. You will be asked to accept the change, just like your friend did. If you can, great. If you can't, then you need to figure out what is right for you.
And here you are encountering someone who is tossing off the sexual identity they were born with; it seems to rub against the 'gay' grain.
For her sake though, I hope you really can get past that. She's going to face a lifetime of opposition from her family and friends, and despite the recent setbacks in California, gays are making progress, and approaching acceptance in the mainstream.
Show "Pride" in what you are, but also be proud that the difficult struggle to get acceptance for gays and lesbians also makes you a more compassionate friend for the trans-gendered.
She will need your support. She may not get any support anywhere else. Support her becoming the person she really was all along, even though society wasn't ready to see it. Does that sound familiar? It should.
As mishima stated, you can't turn yourself Japanese. You could have a fold surgically created in your eyelids, but that would just be a cosmetic procedure. It would not make your DNA into Japanese genetic material. You also can't turn yourself into a poodle or a hummingbird or a flatworm, because you are a human being and not an animal or a bird or a worm. Famously, Jocelyn Wildenstein (ex wife of a billionaire) spent hundreds of thousands of $$$ to make herself look like a cat (really more like a erzatz version of Eartha Kitt as Catwoman, circa 1967) -- it's really freaky to look at her face, with the wildly exaggerated cheekbones and enlongated "cat eyes", but she did it anyways. Ms. Wildenstein, however, is still not a cat.
After a man has gone through the masculinizing processes of his own gestation, genes, upbringing and puberty, he pretty much looks like a man -- broad shoulders, narrow hips, facial hair, adam's apple. He looks like a man, because duh, he is a man. No matter what he "thinks" on the inside, no matter if he likes ruffles or dolls, or curling up with a romance novel, or eating truffles. He will never be a woman, never look remotely like a real woman, never menstruate or grow real breasts or have a real vagina, or a uterus (even a fake one) or ovaries. He will never go through female puberty, or through menopause. Heck, he will never have hips.
I've seen my fair share of MTF transsexuals, and I have never seen one that even remotely would fool a 2nd grader. They look like men in drag -- bad drag -- because they are men in drag. (It is a bit easier for a FTM transsexual, because hormonally induced facial hair and baldness can make the viewer pass on a rounded female body, especially in baggy clothes...but there are far fewer FTMs than MTFs.)
Why this would make anyone happy or be worth tens of thousands of dollars, I am not sure. I do know that they suffer from body dysmorphia, and its likely that in the end, nothing will make them very happy. I notice that a distinct percentage end up wishing to have the surgery redone, and a significant percentage end up "lesbians"...having sex with females anyways, despite the makeup and high heels. A troubling percentage take hormones and get breast implants, but retain their male genitalia. These are confused, deeply troubled, depressed people. If their type of body dysmorphia included fantasies of a "phantom arm" or leg, we wouldn't give in to sharing their delusions -- and most doctors would rightly refuse to amputate healthy limbs.
It's time to stop indulging transsexuals in their delusions; especially when it extends to the 99.9% of normal non-dysmorphic humans, who are starting to be called "cis-men" and "cis-women" (sp?), as if there is something wrong with THEM, and not with the body dysmorphic, disturbed few.
And Laurel 962 certainly pays a lot of attention to these things...that's interesting as well.
"It presumes a view of human identity as being extremely plastic that I think often is not possible."
To me, this is the point. Does surgery in itself make a person male or female? Obviously not - the tragic case of one of a set of twins who was accidentally emasculated in a botched circumcision and raised as a girl but rebelled against being raised that way is clear indication that there is more to gender than what is defined by our bodies.
But clearly there are people, including young kids, do not identify according to the sex of their bodies. To them, they will be their "internal" gender regardless of their physical characteristics. The surgery is not to "make" them the other gender, it's to give them a body that feels closer to right.
Of course it can be difficult as an onlooker to accept. You can't change your upbringing. You can't change things you've accepted as a given overnight just because someone says you should. And nobody is going to force you.
Laurel...Jeezus Laurel...!
Mishima might not get it but one gets the idea that he's at least given the subject some thought rather than just launching straight into a judgmental rampage. A couple things to consider:
1. Every transexual is perfectly aware that he/she has not and will not go through the puberty of the opposite sex.
2. Every transexual is perfecty aware that they may not fool everyone. Not even most people. Not even you.
What you don't seem aware of is, fooling Laurel, convincing Laurel, or making sure Laure approves, is not the guiding concept behind their journey.
"Indulging" transsexuals? How about simply respecting them? What alternative do you suggest, reminding them at every opportunity that they don't fool you? Reminding them as often as possible that your vagina is home grown and theirs isn't and never will be?
You can clearly understand that gender reassignment surgery is an enormous step, and even when taken by someone who might be taking it in error (which is something that only they can determine), it's not taken lightly.
You can define sexual reassignment surgery any way you want. But ultimately it's not about you, it's about the person making this huge decision. You can analyze it to death, insist that it's only a cosmetic change (if a drastic one); that their "real" gender is what they were born with, not what they feel inside. Perhaps it is, perhaps it's not, but it's their enormous and difficult decision, and it's simply not about you.
Many people who for whatever reasons are extremely homophobic often don't ever really try and understand gays until someone they love comes out. Some mothers don't try and understand until their own kids commits suicide. It takes that pain, and their basic humanity to drive them to the point of wanting to spare others that pain. Up to that point, it was all about their own prejudices, their own beliefs that they were too attached to to reconsider. Up to that point, it was all about them.
For you, it's still all about you.