Today I am another year older.

The past year has not been easy. In fact, the "Maintenence Required" light on the dashboard of my life lit up about 5 months ago, if you want to know the truth. But I'm still happy to be alive and celebrating that fact today. I love birthdays-- mine and everyone else's. It's a good time to reflect on who you are and who you endeavor to be. And I may not be a kid anymore but I still plan on growing.

Some 20 years ago my mother decided to throw me a surprise birthday party. But since my birthday fell on the same day as our high school graduation, her options were limited.

My surprise came at dawn.

 

I woke to find my boyfriend, my family and a half dozen friends climbing onto my bed, singing Happy Birthday.

Good thing I didn’t sleep in the buff.

School had been out for a solid week by the time graduation rolled around and most of my friends spent that time going from one party to another. You quickly learn who your true friends are when the offer of scrambled eggs and cake outweighs a few extra hours of sleep to assuage the hangover from the previous night’s kegger.

(I apologize for our big hair. It was the late 80’s)

There we are: fresh faced and full of promise. And there is my sweetheart. Later that day he would present me with a promise ring. It was a sweet day.

And there to the right you can see a sliver of my oldest and dearest friend --let’s call him Hubble-- we are the best of friends to this day. While we pass the time differently, time spent with Hubble feels much like it did in high school. We listen to music, we cook, we talk about astronomy and philosophy. And we spend a lot of time in and around the water, which is the best way to pass the summer months in Texas, and this is what we did during our visit last week. We ran the dusty trail that lines the lake and swam in the cold spring and then we sat in the grass and talked. Lying in the grass, watching the sky slip through the branches, feeling giddy from the swim and hungry for supper, we talked and laughed and I felt just like that fresh-faced girl 20 years ago.

Hubble feels differently about this subject. Hubble has been calling himself middle-aged since his mid-30’s-- our mid-thirties, mind you-- and he says that he feels his age.

But what is our age supposed to feel like?

 

 (and I only had one margarita)

As a student of cognitive science I understand that my emotional self-conception comes from my limbic brain and I know that while other areas of the brain-- areas governing judgment, language and reason-- grow and evolve, this one does not. It continues to function throughout our lives but it does not mature. This is why, even as we age, we can still feel so young inside. This is why when you go home for Christmas and spend time with the family you see infrequently you find that your old buttons are easily pushed. This is why, walking into my high school reunion last year I found myself-- a happy, confident 38 year old-- feeling like that same shy, insecure 14 year old I once was, walking into the cafeteria, terrified that no one would talk to me.

I remember a time several years ago when I was training a new employee at the health spa and the young man picked up a photo from my desk and inquired of my young nieces, “Your kids?” Without thinking I responded, “Lord, no. I’m too young to have kids.”

I was 27.

Now I’m almost too old to have kids. ALMOST. But I still feel young inside. Although time does seem to speed up the older I get. Does time expand and contract on you, too? When I’m engaged in a pleasurable activity, time slips by so quickly. When I am waiting, waiting, waiting for something, waiting for news that the lump is nothing, all benign, and I will live to dance another day? Well, then time stretches out and yawns into infinity, two ice ages, back to back and no end in sight.

 

I’ve had more than a few crises in the past year and none of them had anything to do with mid-life. They simply had to do with life. Life can treat us roughly. As sure as the tide, every year something we love is washed away but just as surely, some new treasure is deposited on our shores. Sometimes, we are so busy mourning the thing we lost that we fail to notice the gift that lies at our feet.

I’ve decided that I’m just going to skip the whole mid-life stage. I’ve decided that I’m going to go straight from feckless, free-spirited student of life to eccentric, wizened old coot with no angsty layovers in between.

 

I refuse to act my age!

 

 

Who's with me?