I have chosen to invest my time and energy in specific ways.

I do my best to match the investment that my friends make in each of our relationships.

Sometimes it is well worth my while to extend myself a little more for a bit. Sometimes it is worth just the experience of giving or sharing.

Other times, it is important to recognize that I cannot make the investment of time or energy for all parties on my own. If I have failed to extend myself enough to inspire others to extend themselves back toward me, it is probably a good thing that I have not gone on to continue extending myself indefinitely.

One can still be present and actively listening and available without artificially raising the priority of the relationship with an individual.

I feel bad when people seem to get angry about my apparent apathy over loosing what may once have been a very close relationship. But I notice that they're just getting angry, not actually doing anything about changing their level of investment in me. Probably, I think, their anger is more a reflection of their frustration with themselves and not so much actual upset with me.

Then again, I suppose that unwillingness to admit that one does not wish to invest so much isn't nearly as bad as those who seem to want to appear to be investing all at any risk without any sense at all.

Maybe it is just a human thing to want to be top priority for others while keeping one's self and one's wishes as one's own top priority. Maybe it is a human thing to want to believe that others automatically share one's expectations and opinions. Seems to me that we really do each other a great disservice when we fall into those ruts.

Well, either way... present strife cannot take away the joy of the past, even if it can provide a contrast for it that inspires a feeling of longing and... I don't know, aching or something.

If you've not invested time or attention in me, please don't start crying when you don't feel like you're as high a priority as someone who has. And don't expect me to match your investment point for point because you've decided that you have invested and are ready for your dividend. It's not a quid pro quo thing, it is a fruit of shared labors thing.

Sometimes you work on a garden and you still get tomato blight and the cukes turn out woody and the rabbits eat the beans and the squash blossoms. Sometimes you work on a garden and get fresh beautiful food that you manage to ruin by cooking it wrong. Sometimes you work on a garden and forget to harvest the food when it is ripe and it rots on the vine.

And then sometimes there are fresh tomatoes still warm from the sun. You bite into one and the wet tart yummy explodes in your mouth. And you're just in too much of a hurry to notice how good it is.

Yeah, maybe I'm a little cynical. I just think that people and friendships are more like gardens and fresh produce than they are like preserves and pickles. You can't put me in a jar with brine and spices and keep me on a shelf and expect me to sit and wait on your whim.

I am disappointed. But because I can see how it happened and I can understand why it happened, I am not really all that hurt. If it had really been worth it, we all would have made a stronger investment. As it is, nobody wins, maybe, but memories are still just as sweet and just as good.

Thank you for the time we shared. Nothing can take the joy from the memory, or take away the wonderful things I learned from you. I do love you, and I am still here.