I had the kids this morning for a while.
They had their soccer games, and then some lunch,
One little tiff I had to reconcile
Before I took them home -- and then a bunch
Of afternoon just hovered in the air.
I felt a little off; not wistful really,
But more like when I think there's one more stair
Before the landing. Just a little silly,
For feeling there was something there, that wasn't.
And thinking it'll hold me up. It doesn't.
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Comments
Anyway, good one DB. Enjoyed it.
Here's what I mean about Cracker. Your poems and hers have in common the fact that they draw much from real life with lovely particular narrative details. That's what I like about them as a journalist. They are journals, in a way.
Lezlie
This IS a good one. Doesn't top the wooden spoons and snow, though. That's the best so far.
However there are three things (that I can see) that may be bothering you:
- "really" doesn't QUITE rhyme with "silly"... in many accents. In the accent I grew up with, it does. If this is what's bothering you, then good catch.
- the enjambment. The lines that end in "bunch" and "stair" are enjambed into the next line. Here's a link, by way of definition:
http://www.haverford.edu/engl/chaucer/assignments/enjambment.htm
...but enjambment requires an adjustment by the reader: you can't take the natural pause at the end of the line. Again, if this is bothering you, then good catch. But legal!
- The lines that end in "really", "silly", "wasn't", and "doesn't". These four lines, in strictest terms, have an extra syllable, which dangles after the last iambic foot. Here I use Shakespeare as my guide. He does this with some frequency, for example in the first four lines of his sonnet #3:
Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest
Now is the time that face should form another,
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother.
...I figure if THE Bard can do it, it's allowed.
I don't pretend to have the last word here (oh, the notion of a dust-up on OS about METER? yummmmmm...). So if anything else doesn't sit right, please comment.
And thanks for reading so attentively. Now, don't you have some appointments to be making?
I AM SOOOOO GLAD YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL!!!
Really, I do appreciate your OCD about this matter. It isn't a matter over which I would become legalistic but I am very legalistic about rules and commitments in other circumstances.
Thanks for the lesson. This is very great. I hope lots of people read your response. Very helpful and informative.
It was the ENJAMBMENT that got me. I liked it quite a lot, didn't know it had such a wonderful name. But I have never seen you do it to such a degree. And -- you are right about me not being particularly "well adjusted." LOL.
Goodnight, DB. Thanks for the smile and lesson.
and : It doesn't.
What the others said, and thankyou for this, today, db.
PattyJane, as I said before, thank you for reading so attentively. And if you let me, I'll go on and on about meter. Be sure your tea is made before asking, I may not let you out of your chair for a while. And oh, yes the wooden spoon poem. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to put wooden spoons, pajamas and snow all into one poem again.
L in the Southeast, hello there. I think you're new, no? Please come by again. And yes. That vacant space.
trilogy, thanks for zeroing in on that line. What actually happened was, I was walking home, and went to put my hand on my son's head and... no son. I had forgotten I'd dropped him off. And the stair idea came to me immediately.
ladyslipper, enjambment and "bunch" have been on my mind all day. It's a good thing I don't try to go back and revise these things. I'd never get the next day's done. I'm glad you liked it as is.
AtHomePilgrim, thanks for noticing the ending. I was surprised by the very curtness you mention.
anna1liese, thank you just for liking everything. If the honesty is everything, then it means nothing in the poem got in the way -- which is a very high compliment.
Dave Rickert, welcome. I have to write tonight's post, and then I'll be over at your blog to see what's up. Thanks for going poetry-hunting.
Kathy Riordan, why thank you.
rita shibr, thanks. Yes the stair -- so real that you feel its height and distance exactly. Then poof.
Kim Gamble, hi. And indeed, what I said to the others. Thanks, as always.
Poor Woman's Retro Diary, it is so nice to have you here. I'm glad the poem touched you. That was a pretty eloquent comment, too. Thanks so much.
I continue to be honored and challenged by having everyone stop by to read and comment. You are an exciting part of the day.
All for now.
Patty. I wasn't worried at all -- first of all, I'm old enough to take criticism, if you ever ARE criticizing. But your comments just proved you were reading with great attention, and I am very appreviative for that. Just be careful: once I start talking about meter, you'll get neck strain from glancing at your watch.
Take care and sorry I missed a Tuesday Poem. I will check in and catch up later in the week.
That feeling of empty space, where you thought you knew there was a foothold and then the heavy fall of foot and expectation -