A few days ago a blog I posted on OpenSalon, originally called Mother and Child Un-Reunion, was chosen to run on the regular Salon site, in the "Real Families" personal essay section. My post discussed issues relating to my adoption and the odd parallel of that experience in my life currently, as my ex-husband and I are in the midst of a custody battle and I am faced with the prospect of "losing" my son.  I wrote about the pain of being separated from Luca, who for complex reasons has lived with his dad full-time since June.

Emily Holleman, our lovely and responsive OpenSalon Editor, warned me that some of the comments on Salon could get "rough." (In hindsight I suspect she was giving me a heads-up that I was leaving the warm, collegial embrace of other bloggers here at Camp OpenSalon). So I prepared myself for some garden-variety snarkiness--but I was almost blown out of the cybersphere by the torrent of Molotov Cocktails hurled my way.

Of the 60-plus responses to my post, probably ten were measured, thoughtful, and insightful reflections on the thorny issues of divorce, custody, and strained parent-child relationships. There was some excellent advice from a family law attorney about owning my role as my son's mother, whether or not I lost custody. And there was a hopeful, poignant account from a father who repaired the relationship with the daughter he lost after her mentally ill mother gained sole custody.

The majority of the commenters, however, decided on the basis of a 950-word essay--that many of them did not read carefully--that I was a terrible mother and all-around crappy person. Much of the basis for their opinion seemed to come from the fact that I wrote about my own feelings (what good mother has any of those?), which made me "whiny" and "self-serving." Some of these people were so incensed by the Real Families post that they went to my blogsite to read the rest of my posts in order to gather further evidence of my unfit motherhood and persona non grata-ness. By the time they had their way with me, I felt like Carrie, Hester Prynne and Madame Bovary rolled into one.

These readers were mad. Foaming-at-the-mouth, rabidly mad-dog mad. They were mad that I had issues about being adopted. They were mad that I got divorced. They were mad that I got remarried. They were mad that I was fighting for custody of my son. They were mad that I sent Luca to live with his dad for the time-being, despite very good reasons. They were mad at the parenting skills they were certain I didn't have. And they were especially mad that I had the audacity to allow myself any personal pain from the heartbreaking possibility of losing Luca.

I share with you, here in bold, some of the more colorful zingers:

"You are...a 'pathetic'...'drama queen'..."

"You acted poorly and selfishly. You were self-absorbed when you should have been a mother. Look in the mirror, dear. "

"You sound like a confrontational and high-maintenance individual who sucks all the air out of the room with your neediness...your kid got tired of you leaning on him as your emotional crutch."

Excuse me, but at what point did I reference using my son as my therapist?

"You have encouraged your son's father to behave as a perpetual adolescent." 

Huh?

"You  had no business inserting yourself into your birthmother's life." 

The Adoptee Rights Advocates have a few words for you, buddy.

"Your son is not your birthmother so you can't bet back at her for giving him up by mistreating him." 

Now, that's a stretch.  

"The author should read up on Axis II Personality Disorders and focus on 'histrionic'...if she's really interested in getting better."

Um, that would be you thinking I'm crazy and need to get "better." And, no, I'm not impressed that you skimmed a DSM-IV.

"Unless you get serious, non-supportive, challenging therapy you are likely to remain a weekend mom to your son. Trust me, your son will feel abandoned."

Non-supportive, challenging therapy? Bring on Dr. Phil! 

The comment below may be my favorite. Not satisfied with bashing me alone, this guy decides to aim his blow-torch at all women:

"It's hard to be empathetic with a divorced vaginate...Feminists make sure that laws don't burden sistas' ditzy heads...more misandric mewlings from the gender that claims to be men's moral, emotional, educational, and relationship superiors."

Yet another who has a very slight issue with the female gender:

"Your feminist colleagues have played a role in the massive screwing you are about to get. Enjoy your equality, at last."

Clearly, this reader is clairvoyant:

"She's already on Husband #2 and no doubt once her court battle is resolved and she's exhausted her hate against Husband #1 she'll target Husband #2 and move on to Husband #3."

And this from one who is convinced my son would be better off without me:

"I feel nothing but pity for her son and hope he ends up living with his father."

Per an earlier blog in which I described my genuine mortification and remorse when my ex heard me complain about him in a therapy session when I accidentally speed-dialed his number:

"Gaines poured out her hateful feelings for Prince in a therapy session that she 'accidentally' broadcasted on her cell phone. (Sinister drumroll...) I don't believe this was an accident."

And while you're at it, why not take a swipe at the entire Salon editorial staff for their low standards?

"There is a chance that her son doesn't like her because she is a horrible mother...even the 'bad guy' can write a self-serving blog for Salon."

But here's the complaint that really threw me into a tailspin:

"The things you choose to write about present a disjointed, confusing presentation." 

They do? Was I too close to the material to see that it was actually poorly written? Were there too many gaps in the story that people couldn't make sense of it?

I decided to jump into the comment stream to set the record straight. I wrote a letter fleshing out details of the divorce, my motives for engaging in a custody battle--to keep my legal rights in tact, not to strip my ex of his--, the reasons Luca left my house, and my feelings towards my birthmother. It was a long letter, perhaps a bit defensive, and okay, maybe just a tad self-righteous, but I did try to answer questions or clear up misinterpretations that so many people had.

The response?

"Wow, I just read the author's follow-up letter and here's some 'food for thought' for you, Pauline! I had WAY more sympathy for you before I read it!" 

I gave up. Trying to have a constructive conversation with these readers was like trying to reason with abortion clinic picketers or Fox News pundits. 

Those of us who blog about our personal lives--particularly when those lives involve lightning-rod topics like divorce--should expect to be raked over the coals occasionally. But do we really deserve to be fileted and broiled? Am I naive to think that Miss Manners has a place even in the blogosphere? That if you have only venom to spew, perhaps you should spew nothing at all? Does it seem to anyone else that the cyber-world is a modern-day Wild West in need of a Sheriff?

Bloggers, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Poor Pauline, this was all that was left of her...