Bag of Happiness

Life Lived to the Edge of Possibility

David Kinne

David Kinne
Location
Volcano, Hawaii, USA
Birthday
June 15
Title
Founder & President
Company
La Vida Buena Partnership
Bio
David Kinne is the possibility of people living extraordinary lives of creativity, joy and full self expression. He has led over 2,000 seminars in 6 countries. He is currently working to complete a book of his photos and text about life lived fully called "Mysteries/Answers"

MY RECENT POSTS

SEPTEMBER 5, 2010 3:03PM

Straight Talk About Boners

Rate: 30 Flag

Obique Intersection

 The first rule of Boner Club is: You don’t talk about Boner Club around girls.

The second rule of Boner Club is: You don’t talk about Boner Club around girls.

So it’s no surprise that women have so many misconceptions about men carrying wood. On the principle that better understanding leads to better understanding, I’ve decided to break the code of silence and reveal some of the inner mysteries of the Boner Club. Once the shock has worn off, I’m sure my fellow BC members will see the wisdom of letting go of the outdated hood of secrecy surrounding our most intimate selves.

1)      1) Boners are normal and natural, a holistic and sacred way of being for males. Sonogram research has revealed that male fetuses begin having boners almost as soon as the penis differentiates itself. And anyone who has changed the diaper on a young male child has sooner or later witnessed the “Fountain of Youth” that embarrasses mothers and delights aunts the world over.

2)      2) Morning wood is normal and natural, a byproduct of three intersecting physiological events: A) a sleeping man is relaxed. Relaxation is good for boner production. B) Testosterone production normally peaks at about 4 am. Testosterone is good for boner production. C) a full bladder presses against the prostate gland, physically stimulating boner production. So when being poked in the back by morning wood, remember, it’s not an annoyance, it’s just Mother Nature’s way of saying “I Love You.”

3)      3) Boners have a mind of their own. Seriously. We BC members have no conscious control over them whatsoever. We cannot will them up, we cannot will them down. They do what they damn well please. Remember that the next time you’re at a wedding with a BC member and you see him looking at one of the bride’s maids with a pole in the tent. He might just be trying to remember which song by KC and the Sunshine Band he likes best. Mr. Willy is doing his own thing. Don’t punish the man toting him around. It’s nothing personal.

4)     4) Boners have a mind of their own. No kidding. Being called to the front of the classroom in 7th or 8th grade with a rocket in your pocket is no fun. And at that stage of the game, everything gives you a boner. Suzie’s fuzzy angora sweater is looking well rounded today. BOING! Angela smiled as you walked by. BOING! A leaf fell off the tree outside the window. BOING! The teacher said “Pick up your pencil.” BOING! Later in life this tames down somewhat. We’re often as surprised when it happens as you are. Even later in life, we may be more surprised than you are.

5)      5) Peeing in a regular toilet with a boner is torture. It requires an acrobatic maneuver that women are never allowed to see, PLUS a dangerous bending action that skates perilously close to personal injury. This is why urinals commonly accept input up to chest high, at close range, because anything less is risky. It’s also why taming morning wood at first light is an act of kindness to the man you love, because it relieves him of the first of two pressing physiological needs, thereby making the second much more comfortable to deal with.

6)      6) The angle of the dangle while bonified is in a continuous state of progression throughout the course of life, and again, it is outside our control. At puberty a boner occurs something like that little creature in Alien, pointing at the ceiling and trying its best to burrow into its owner’s navel. Gradually, as the years pass, it becomes more… uhhh… relaxed in stance.  But its intentions are quite sincere no matter what the altitude, so take that into account as you take one into your… umm… joyful count.

7)      7) BC members love attention, all kinds. Kisses, strokes, licks, nibbles, it’s all good. Yes, I know you already know that, but sometimes it seems like you forget, so this is just a friendly reminder.  

8)      8) Boners have a mind of their own. I know I already said that, but I can’t emphasize this point enough. Really. And they’re temperamental. A little wine to relax, helpful. A lot of wine, not helpful. A light scratching of your fingernails on the back of my neck, I’m good for days. A little scratching at my male ego, I can go into turtle mode. The choice is yours.

9)     9) Don’t judge a real live boner by what you see in porn films. I mean, first of all those guys are freaks of nature to begin with. And they’re on Viagra.  And they stop the camera for as long as it takes between shots to allow “fluffers” to do their work. And they use special lenses. And they’re on Viagra. Really.

1010) Boners just want to be your friend. No kidding. They aren’t nearly as scary as they might seem at first, even if you lean another way. They are basically out of control at all times, almost impossible to successfully tame completely, but they are small, simple creatures, easily pleased. Get to be friendly with a boner, and that boner will want to be friendly with you.

I could say more, much, much more, but I hope this post will create an opening. An opportunity, so to speak, for other BC members to come forth and present their personal testimony. Because after all, the more you know, the more you know.

In closing, I’d like to offer this evidence that I’m not talking through my pants, with this touching reminder from CollegeHumor.com of the difficulties encountered by BC members throughout their lives:

BC Poster 

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1943843 

 

Love, David

 

© 2010 David Kinne

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Comments

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pret-ty interesting that my husband, James, posted his NAKED LOVE at the same moment you did this boner thing. I cannot help but rate your little thing.

Lois
Don't say "little thing." Lois. Never say "little thing" to a BC member.
Well I'm certainly not going to post the first comment on a boner post.
There is some german expression to the effect of, "when the dick gets hard, the mind goes soft."

FWIW.

Rated.
"They are basically out of control at all times, almost impossible to successfully tame completely, but they are small, simple creatures, easily pleased. " LOL so funny.
Now that I surived the hard part I've got to tell you that I laughed my way all the way through this. All secrets revealed in one straight and firmly written post. What were you thinking?

And the next time somebody starts doubting the quality of OS posts I'm sending them here.

Rated for stiffness of subject.
Now that's it out of the bag, I can go around proudly displaying mine at the mall. R
Ah, now I know. Thanks for the education.
Awww, sometimes here you make them sound so much like puppies and kittens...
I remember them. r. for reminding me
Wooooohooooo! This is my kind of post! Yummies!

-R-
Reason #9,190,492 For Being a Lesbian: All "morning wood" is burnt in the fire place.

(most of which we get from trees, but we aren't particular)
Must be my age, I guess experience does create understanding at some point...good, still to see where an owner such as you emphasizes the specific features of equipment. I think the guy with the folded arms would fare better sporting a huge orange sombrero...You are a funny man...!
I almost choked over the visual that peeing with a boner created. That's a problem I hadn't noticed or considered. So THAT's why urinals were invented?

Lezlie
At my age, when I hear the word "boner" I think they're talking about the lead singer for U2.
I think this is a Facebook post! I am so glad that I understand morning wood...It just doesn't work for me.
Yes, Lezlie, in the interest of full disclosure, urinals are designed to suit the micturition needs of men, who have far less control over where things land than one might be lead to think. You point it here, it lands there, and that could be higher or lower than intended, or far to one side.

In British railroad stations and many pubs, the urinals have a small image of a housefly baked in to the porcelain to provide an aiming spot, which improves overall aim somewhat. In American restrooms, many urinals are equipped with a deodorant mat with a bulls eye target printed on it, for much the same purpose.

The single simplest thing a couple can do to achieve marital harmony in a household would be to install a urinal in the bathroom, eliminating the whole seat up/down issue, but when I suggest this, the average woman goes "Ewwwwwwww."
David: LOL My husband managed to pee on the bathroom mirror once! It was a proud moment!
By Jove, I think you've pretty much got this thing licked.
Tom Cordle wrote: "By Jove, I think you've pretty much got this thing licked."


You coming out of the closet, dude... or just bragg'in???? :~D
Ha ha! Very amusing and informative! I am very man-friendly and when I'm with someone I'll often put the seat up! (Except for my ex's -he hadn't cleaned his for 2 years!) I have no issue with b..... it's rather that it's difficult to find one these days and if I find a good man he invariably has a "problem" and I am the most understanding of people (read my response to "Hawk and Prey" half-way down Miroslaw's "Cyberlove) but will he go to the doctors? I have discovered that being more than usually active in their lifestyles helps with this and a b.... friendly diet. Keep it up! J
Yea, verily verily. Be it even as thou hast said. All rise, and salute if you aren't already.
Ode To Joy - I did not intend my post to be encyclopedic, more a clearing of the air about some common things not commonly discussed. But as you say, at a certain age boners become less certain than they once were, even for many men in fit physical condition. But "better living through chemistry" today allows most men who wish to remain sexually active to do so.

And there is, and always has been, an alternative for men who wish to keep their woman happy, even without being able to stand to attention, if their mental health is good. As any of our lesbian friends here will tell you, a penis is not required at all for thoroughly good sex. This fact intimidates some men, to be sure, but stronger men embrace this simple truth and use it for good. Older men may not be as athletic as younger men, but they can often overcome this deficit by becoming more sensitive and patient and attentive.

The biggest sex organ in humans is the brain, and keeping it healthy and interested is the most important aspect of being sexually active in later years.
As any of our lesbian friends here will tell you, a penis is not required at all for thoroughly good sex.

ahem... but be with another woman for the thoroughly BEST sex!
;~)
Amy, Amy, Amy... this is a serious and sensitive discussion. I don't think political advertising is appropriate.
No, Cindy, wasn't intended to be. Just a little PSA that seemed timely, given all the heat being given off by OS over the weekend.
David:

Just how often does one need to get the boner to belong to the club?
I know, I know, "if you have to ask...."
Conrad, the rules are quite liberal on this point. If you've ever had one, you are a member of the club for life.

Unless, of course, you decide to bat for the other team. Once you are certified as post-op, you would be expected to renounce all rights and privileges. It didn't use to be this complicated, but we have to stay abreast of technology, n'est-ce pas?
It is great to see that there are some upstanding citizens who bone up on their subject and present a firm dissertation in order to prevent sagging attention.

Out-staanding!!


^R^
the kind of thing you can only read on a blog. as for your assertion that they have a mind of their own, that is true, but with great practice one can achieve zen-like melding of the two minds, and become one with the universe and, er. the boner.
Well shucks. I guess I'm OK then. Whew!
Ahh, David, you must be incredibly bored. However, here is a little factoid for your boner club. True story.

Have you ever heard of a 55 year old man [sans implant] choosing to climax 3 times in one hour? [His personal record.]
The next night, same thing, except it took him two hours to come three times.

In the morning -- WOOD. We didn't build a fire, so we did it again. Seven times in a very short period of time. Of course, I came dozens of times, but this man doesn't get even a little soft until he's completely done. Or rather, until I am completely done. We have been together for a year now and this is rather common for us, albeit extraordinary. I have never experienced this kind of radical sex -- in over 40 years of having "regular, typical, average" sex with many dozens of men.

My question: since you and your BC readers may have more experience, or up-to-date information on Phe-nom Wood, is my man outta this world, am I just the luckiest old broad around, or BOTH?
A cucumber? When was I at the farmers market?
And ...those plums?

Rated...rock on!
After reading this, I suddenly found myself feeling a bit peckish....
Irene, I'm never bored. Life is simply too exciting.

You haven't given me quite enough information to sort out what's going on in your happy but unusual circumstance. Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate events in the male body, the first being energetic, the second being physiological. They only seem to be a single thing to most men because they normally happen simultaneously. But committed students of Tantra, or of the Taoist sexuality taught by Montak Chia, learn to separate the two. And in both these disciplines the goal of the practice is the same... to build and expand overall sexual energy by witholding ejaculation.

For a 55 year old man, the Tantric/Taoist recommendation for best overall health would be to allow no more than one ejaculation in 10 days. But unlimited orgasms are fine. In fact, by withholding ejaculations, the so called "seed savers" learn to become multi-orgasmic, and can enjoy extended orgasms of a half hour or more.

A few rare men discover these esoteric sexual secrets on their own. I have a friend who taught himself to orgasm without ejaculation as a teenager because he didn't want to "make a mess" that his mother might discover. So he would masturbate until just before the point of ejaculatory inevitability then stop, then repeat. At some point he learned he could stop the ejaculation but slip on into orgasm.

If your guy is ejaculating each time he orgasms, he has an unusual physiology. If he's always been that way, Mazel Tov, and may you grow old blissfully together. :) On the other hand, if he's come into this hyper-sexual state late in life, it's possible it's a result of a disease function. Not to worry you, but make sure he's getting a regular physical checkup. Seriously.
I think it was Woody Allen who said that he would not join any club that would have him as a member.

Would you send him the url for this post (do it this morning!) David?
Actually it was Groucho Marx who said that. Woody was quoting him. In "Annie Hall" among other places.

Be happy to oblige, but I don't have his email address.
Whatta snort!

My favorite WW-II English Army song is titled:
“Isn’t It Really Spiffy, To Wake With A Stiffy?"

My favorite deep thought on this subject:
God gave man a brain and a penis but just enough blood to only run one at a time.
---Robin Williams
Yes, it's great that we are discussing this and thank you for bringing up the subject! I have read a book which has a section on the separation that you speak of and it was most interesting-if only more men were inclined to learning as yourself! I agree but the men I have spoken to would not even go out and buy this chemistry! I agree to a point and I would be quite happy with a dildo; mouth etc later on but for someone who has endured a very long marriage (and 27 years fidelity-I know, I deserve a medal) with someone who has an extremely low libido (he was even too tired on our Wedding Night) I want and need the real thing for a while!
I guess I'm just different, OTJ, because I really enjoy the company of women, and I really want my mate to be happy. So when I got to be 50 and realized the trend line on my own sexuality was tending down faster than I was happy with, I did a lot of research on what would keep me and my sweetie both ticking along with grins on our faces for the foreseeable future.

And there are lots of ways, not just the path I chose, but first you have to be willing. And I can't imagine any man who loves his woman not being willing. I mean, does anything else lighten one's step any better? :)
David, this is hilarious. I especially liked this phrase: "The angle of the dangle while bonified..." and the road sign at the top of this post is especially cute.
As lone female at my house I had to laugh...the whole reading...and I normally avoid these types of posts : )

I actually came over to look at your picture again as some of my ancestors settled near Ithaca( I noticed your comment on Howe's genealogy post).....we have a tribal, if not family, resemblance : )
See how our quills look similar?

Extra kudos to cartouche feeling peckish! I almost snorted my tea up my nose at that one...
Ha! This was awesome, David! I am printing it and taping it in its entirety to my husband's forehead! I love it, and you for writing about it:)
Fetlock - Thanks, that was a favorite line of mine too. Being the constant noodler that I am, I'm thinking it would have been even better as "The bonified angle of the dangle..." The sign? I sometimes wonder if anyone even notices these little giggles of mine I sneak in any time I can.

Snarkychaser - Think of it this way. Two or three minutes of generosity in the morning can brighten an entire day for him. Then you can go back to sleep, knowing you've made the world a better place. Think peace, justice, and the American way.

JT - Your dirty little secret is safe with me. I'm sure you just stumbled in here by accident, right? Check. And yes, the resemblance between our quills is quite startling. But then, they were all about marrying cousins to consolidate estates back in the day, so anything is possible. And I appreciate your kind words about my photo. much appreciated.

Oh, yes, and I snorted at Cartouche's comment too. And pawed my hooves.

Susan - if I can contribute to your connubial bliss I am fulfilled. Even heading off a potential homicide is good.

PM - I think the world would be a better place if we ALL wore big orange sombreros.

Kate - your integrity is stunning. So I have arranged for a special BC pass for you

James and Lois - stunning post there. Really liked it. Just don't say "little thing" around BC members, OK?

Conrad and Jonathan - remember, the oldest violins play the sweetest music. Nah, I don't buy it either, but it was worth a shot.
Cartouche - Snort! Snort! Neiigggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Cranky - Check out Bonnaroo to update your musical references.

Gary - your contribution to my musical education is priceless.
I asked one of my hetero friends what were some of her favorite things.

She said she liked the small things in life.

Can I introduce you to her, David?

:~D
Amy - I am always attentive to the small things in life, especially with women. You'll have to be the judge of whether that is worthy of recommendation or not.
Thank you for this uplifting message.
Maybe if you let us in your little club we could serve whipped cream at your parties.
You know, RP, from my current perspective that sounds like a fine idea, but the issue is that when most young men activate their membership they are too committed to upholding the tenet of secrecy to even conceive of taking women into the fold. Only with age do men become more relaxed, more willing to bend the stiff rules.
I really enjoyed this, David.

Uh-oh...did that come out right?

Oops...nothing that comes out of my mouth......aaaaaargh! Just forget it!
David - It has taken me some time to get to this post. I commend you for writing your words and sharing one man's point of view on this touchy(sorry) subject. I think that communication is the basic key to any relationship and never losing sight of where you have put the key. JJS - R