The first rule of Boner Club is: You don’t talk about Boner Club around girls.
The second rule of Boner Club is: You don’t talk about Boner Club around girls.
So it’s no surprise that women have so many misconceptions about men carrying wood. On the principle that better understanding leads to better understanding, I’ve decided to break the code of silence and reveal some of the inner mysteries of the Boner Club. Once the shock has worn off, I’m sure my fellow BC members will see the wisdom of letting go of the outdated hood of secrecy surrounding our most intimate selves.
1) 1) Boners are normal and natural, a holistic and sacred way of being for males. Sonogram research has revealed that male fetuses begin having boners almost as soon as the penis differentiates itself. And anyone who has changed the diaper on a young male child has sooner or later witnessed the “Fountain of Youth” that embarrasses mothers and delights aunts the world over.
2) 2) Morning wood is normal and natural, a byproduct of three intersecting physiological events: A) a sleeping man is relaxed. Relaxation is good for boner production. B) Testosterone production normally peaks at about 4 am. Testosterone is good for boner production. C) a full bladder presses against the prostate gland, physically stimulating boner production. So when being poked in the back by morning wood, remember, it’s not an annoyance, it’s just Mother Nature’s way of saying “I Love You.”
3) 3) Boners have a mind of their own. Seriously. We BC members have no conscious control over them whatsoever. We cannot will them up, we cannot will them down. They do what they damn well please. Remember that the next time you’re at a wedding with a BC member and you see him looking at one of the bride’s maids with a pole in the tent. He might just be trying to remember which song by KC and the Sunshine Band he likes best. Mr. Willy is doing his own thing. Don’t punish the man toting him around. It’s nothing personal.
4) 4) Boners have a mind of their own. No kidding. Being called to the front of the classroom in 7th or 8th grade with a rocket in your pocket is no fun. And at that stage of the game, everything gives you a boner. Suzie’s fuzzy angora sweater is looking well rounded today. BOING! Angela smiled as you walked by. BOING! A leaf fell off the tree outside the window. BOING! The teacher said “Pick up your pencil.” BOING! Later in life this tames down somewhat. We’re often as surprised when it happens as you are. Even later in life, we may be more surprised than you are.
5) 5) Peeing in a regular toilet with a boner is torture. It requires an acrobatic maneuver that women are never allowed to see, PLUS a dangerous bending action that skates perilously close to personal injury. This is why urinals commonly accept input up to chest high, at close range, because anything less is risky. It’s also why taming morning wood at first light is an act of kindness to the man you love, because it relieves him of the first of two pressing physiological needs, thereby making the second much more comfortable to deal with.
6) 6) The angle of the dangle while bonified is in a continuous state of progression throughout the course of life, and again, it is outside our control. At puberty a boner occurs something like that little creature in Alien, pointing at the ceiling and trying its best to burrow into its owner’s navel. Gradually, as the years pass, it becomes more… uhhh… relaxed in stance. But its intentions are quite sincere no matter what the altitude, so take that into account as you take one into your… umm… joyful count.
7) 7) BC members love attention, all kinds. Kisses, strokes, licks, nibbles, it’s all good. Yes, I know you already know that, but sometimes it seems like you forget, so this is just a friendly reminder.
8) 8) Boners have a mind of their own. I know I already said that, but I can’t emphasize this point enough. Really. And they’re temperamental. A little wine to relax, helpful. A lot of wine, not helpful. A light scratching of your fingernails on the back of my neck, I’m good for days. A little scratching at my male ego, I can go into turtle mode. The choice is yours.
9) 9) Don’t judge a real live boner by what you see in porn films. I mean, first of all those guys are freaks of nature to begin with. And they’re on Viagra. And they stop the camera for as long as it takes between shots to allow “fluffers” to do their work. And they use special lenses. And they’re on Viagra. Really.
1010) Boners just want to be your friend. No kidding. They aren’t nearly as scary as they might seem at first, even if you lean another way. They are basically out of control at all times, almost impossible to successfully tame completely, but they are small, simple creatures, easily pleased. Get to be friendly with a boner, and that boner will want to be friendly with you.
I could say more, much, much more, but I hope this post will create an opening. An opportunity, so to speak, for other BC members to come forth and present their personal testimony. Because after all, the more you know, the more you know.
In closing, I’d like to offer this evidence that I’m not talking through my pants, with this touching reminder from CollegeHumor.com of the difficulties encountered by BC members throughout their lives:
© 2010 David Kinne