*You will go blind

*You will grow wings and a tail

*You will become a psychotic baby killer

*You will become a Republican

These are among the only reasons I will accept in favor of NOT allowing same-sex marriage. I was trying to work something out with battery acid and kittens, but I couldn't make the connection, though that would be high up on the list as well.  Same-sex marriage continues to fuel public dialogue across the country, as it certainly should: America + free, opinionated, loud mouths=democracy.  Next week Maine voters will have their chance to wade into the mele and vote whether to uphold or repeal legislature passed earlier in the year granting the right of same-sex couples to marry.  Both factions in support and against this issue have been canvasing on their behalf.  I certainly welcome and support their invitation to debate WHEN said debate includes sound logic, reasoning, and facts, not when it devolves into something Bart Simpsonion in nature: "I know you are, but what am I?"

To date in the battle royale of same-sex marriage we have in this corner, weighing infinite pounds, whose signature move is smoting at will, God! God's tag team partner is the intellectually erudite, Kindle-friendly, making Dennis Miller seem obscure, The Dictionary! And in the opposing corner we have Enlightened, Rational Beings.  One of the main arguments by detractors of same-sex marriage turns on the notion that it would really, really, very much inconvenience the definition of marriage.  Apparently, these people have never heard of Wikipedia.

A follow-up, punch to this reasoning is along the lines of what I like to call the SAT Analogy Defense.  Same-sex marriage is to total anarchy and apocalpyse as Heterosexual marriage is to healthy, upstanding, law-abiding citizens.  Or as the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life states:

"Social conservatives and others who oppose same-sex unions assert that marriage between a man and a woman is the bedrock of a healthy society because it leads to stable families and, ultimately, to children who grow up to be productive adults."( http://pewforum.org/docs/?DocID=288)

Stable families. Aww, that's a nice Disney moment, isn't it? Stable families like the Hennes now of "balloon boy" shame, or Jon and Kate Gosselin, or Mr. and Mrs. Manson, or anyone on Wife Swap. 

And then of course there's God.  According to those invoking scripture, God simply had no intention of ever divining same-sex marriage. He also probably didn't see the Red Sox ever winning a World Series, but hey, shit happens, even in cosmic design.  I'm not sure who God's PR agent is, but apparently He's doling out interviews like Madoff stock tips:

Person: Hey God, let me ask you something. So what's the deal with same-sex marriage; can we do this or what?

God: No.

Person: Why not?

God: Because I said so, ok? 

Person: Well, that doesn't make sense. I mean, aren't you the one who said "Love thy neighbor?"

God: Umm, yeah.

Person: And aren't you the same one who said "Do unto others as they would do unto you?"

God: *sigh* Crap. Yes.

Person: Then what's the problem?

God: Look, this whole same-sex thing is a public relations nightmare, ok? I mean, it's bad enough I have to deal with those freaky Pro-Lifers twisting around my words, and don't even get me started on those Creationists, I mean c'mon! People! Those dinosaur bones didn't appear out of thin air! But now this! I never should have fired Moses. We had a good thing going. I would make a few or 10 statements, he'd go take them to the people; it was clean, easy! These days, I can barely keep track of what I have said, never mind what I haven't. And don't even get me started on that Twitter...

God and The Dictionary=  -.3; Rational Beings= 6

Clearly there isn't a good argument against same-sex marriage, but the pro-gaytrimony line of thought seems, sadly, also a bit hard to swallow for some.  That's why there seems to be only one strain of logic that appeals to everyone: Maine, next week, when it comes time for you to step into your place in history, don't do the right thing, do the trendy thing. Let's face it, same-sex marriage is cool! Everyone wants to either oppose it or support it, it's like the iPhones of controversy! And this is YOUR chance Maine.  Don't let New York or Houston corner the market on hip with their tall buildings and spicy food, show them that you've got more than lighthouses and lobster; show the world there's more than a little "Fonze" tucked up there in the northeast corner of the country.  I mean Iowa did it, and they're the Potato State. Potatos! The last time potatos were cool was during the Irish famine. We're counting on you Maine, don't be the band geek with a wedgie, sifting through the trash for her retainer.  Hang with the cool kids.  You just might like it.