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“I feel angry but not homicidal; this may be unlooked-for progress.” Suzanne Finnamore
I stood at the window watching the guests poolside, and watching Debra anxiously talk to someone on the phone. Anna of course being the someone.
I resigned myself to the awful truth. Debra achieved her goal. She knew she had me, and she knew with enough effort, she could have both me and Anna. I knew the best option would be to return to my home, my marriage. I could not do that any more than a dingo could sweetly lick a baby.
Our lies were the worst issue. How would we fare together with such a dreadful beginning?
I fell back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, my legs and arms spread out to cover the whole bed. I laid there, defeated in my solitude. I had no control, Debra had it all.
Her family already knew, they said little about it. I wasn't fooling myself when it came to my family, that would be the worst. Lee and Jack second, Jackie was going to be crazy, but he had created a mindset with me that released me from guilt. That is wrong in my mind today, no matter what he did, it did not warrant this extreme.
I am going to lose everything, and Debra would lose nothing, unless of course, I left. She would lose me. Would she care? She cried when it came to focus. She used all her lesbian wiles to convince me we were going to be ok.
So, then, why is she not in the room.
A key swiped in the door and it creaked open. I didn’t turn to look at her.
“Sorry, I just had to call Anna so she won’t be suspicious";
“Suspicious of what"; I did not turn to look at her, those patterned dots on the ceiling needed counting
“Well, we aren’t at home, and she would want to know where we are"; She continued, “I know how this looks to you, but when this comes to the surface, we need to make certain she has no inkling of what we have been doing";
She went in to take a shower; I took off my cloths and crawled under the covers, fading off to sleep.
A body pressing into my back brought me out of dream state. She pulled me to her nestling her head into my neck. Smoothing my hair so as not to pull it then softly placing it behind my ear ...as she whispered goodnight. We didn’t make love, and that was probably best. There is as much comfort and love in the closeness, sometimes more.
I truly and completely, unconditionally love Debra. Something happens, they call it libido, but who are "they". Libido is a crude word for something so spiritually hypnotic. Anyone that has experienced close to this knows how it is impossible to abandon. There is no possible way in this world I could ever be without her.
The promise of an eternity in the arms of a love so full there was little room for anything else. I believed what she said and even seeing the ridiculous in the writing, I felt she made sense. If Anna went with someone else, we could glide into this with at least one advocate.
The hardest part of this new love affair was the inability to share it with someone. Yes, Nanook knew, but she was running a parallel gamut with some cop in New York, my situation was not as titillating to her since the birthday gift episode.
I told my brother in California, he was very sweet and up beat saying he worked with many Lesbians and they are wonderful. I don’t know what exactly he meant by that, but I appreciated the gesture. Oh, and he needed $30, could I send it to him. I was beyond broke, and Debra was not going to give me money for him. She really did not like my family, as did Anna. I figured I would find it somewhere.
Anna returned from Dian’s. After what Anna called, an overwhelming reunion, Dian had called her to her side to tell her of a new love in her life. Now that was fucking sad. Not for me, but for her.
She came home dismayed and depressed. I felt even worse about Debra and me.
Things are going to have to change. We could not keep this under wraps for long…and as fate played out, I wouldn’t need to concern myself with this for long.
Debra and I went to a friend of theirs, Sabrina, to drop off something and while Sabrina was in another room, Debra reached over and kissed me. Sabrina came in the room and dropped what was in her hands.
So there it was, we were so utterly irrevocably busted.
“What the fuck?"; Sabrina slowly sat down.
Debra explained things, as if they could be explained. Sabrina asked about Anna, knowing full well she could not have known. She insisted either we needed to stop, or Anna needed to be told. Cynthia, who had also been a love interest of Debra’s was even more convinced this was wrong and needed to end. She didn’t care who knew, who found out, or why. She did not want Debra and me to be together, and she would make anything happen to stop it. Till then I thought no one outside of the familial circle would care. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
We all started arguing in tandem after all, Anger is a lot more fun when it’s shared. I tried to placate everyone, I made a joke “Well, if this doesn’t work out I can always move in with you two"; Not so funny, I think Debra was more pissed at me for that statement than the catastrophe so apparent. Debra begged them to not tell Anna. I could not understand WHY they would, but then I was having an affair with my husband's sister's lover. So I wasn't the "go to" person on morality issues.
The days following this discovery things became edgy and everyone seemed to be distracted.
Anna became very needy with Debra. But, one of the ONLY things that didn’t happen; they weren’t making love.
One July morning, I sat at the kitchen table reading the paper. Anna came in and stood in front of the refrigerator staring blankly.
“You can look at the menu, but you just can’t eat";
She reached in a gathered up the makings for a sandwich.
“Is there nothing good to eat?" I asked.
“I was talking about my life"; Anna reached into the drawer and took out a knife.
I silently reminded myself to hide those.
“What is it Anna"; did I REALLY want to know? But I asked.
“Well, Dian and I made love, and then she gave me the news"; she spread the mayo on wheat bread piled up with several colors of lunch meat and added the frilly, lacy lettuce I had purchased from a local flagship store. I got up and sliced some crimson onions, sweet and tart. I made myself a sandwich; I should have just rubbed it directly on my thighs because that is exactly where it was going to end up if I chose to eat it, which, lately, has been difficult. But I wanted to create a feeling of camaraderie with Anna.
She pushed the papers to the floor, unusual for her to create a mess, but she was resigned, and I as well.
“What the fuck, Dianne, why does it have to be this way?"
“Well Anna, it goes this way"; I wiped the tomato seeds off my chin “If you know someone’s nature, why do you expect anything different?"
Yes Dianne, I thought, why do you expect anything different?
I went on to work through the issues that were Dian to begin with. She has made a habit of breaking Anna’s heart. Yes it was shitty she summoned Anna, but if Anna had known, wouldn’t she have gone anyway? She agreed. Then went on to say she and Debra had stopped making love. They did not talk as much, Debra was pre-occupied. I tried not to register guilt, but Anna wouldn’t have noticed it anyhow.
Over the next few days, Debra and I had our stolen moments. We did what ever we could for money including delivering phone books. I could not believe I had lowered my standards so drastically. I would be starting up with the “arts"; soon, but it is a prerequisite to be broke, gay and pompous if you were to be part of that industry.
I made plans to meet a client of mine from Property Management Systems (PMS). She was also a neighbor of mine from Memorial Chase in Spring.We met at a club on Richmond and 610 near the Galleria, Houston's Hallmark shopping mall.
I was both anxious and excited. I was going to tell someone, and experience the shock and awe.
Eileen was waiting for me at the bar, she came to the door as I came in and handed me a dirty kettle martini,
my favorite. We made our way to the chairs adjacent to the dance floor. Eileen reached into her briefcase and pulled out a file. She was going to offer me the opportunity to bid on a project. I reached over and stopped her, telling her to put it back in the briefcase.
“Dianne, this is a flush project and you have it in the bag.” She put her briefcase under her seat. “I just discussed you at today’s meeting and we came to the conclusion that the familiarity of your product was a safe bet."; she continued, “Bidding is strictly a formality, but the job is really yours.
She was correct. Every project she guaranteed had come through to date.
“Eileen, I have sold the company"; I asked the waiter for another martini, requesting a double. It would most certainly be almost undrinkable. “Jackie and I are no longer together";
Eileen gingerly sat her glass down cupping the bottom loosely.
“Dianne, what is it";
“I am having an affair";
Eileen smiled. She and I had several late nights of drink ending with her going off with someone and me going home. She was hungry for the details and I gave them to her.
She registered the prerequisite shock and I secretly enjoyed the unconventional situation I presented to her. She asked about the details and I laid them out in explicit details. She did not note disapproval, but she presented all the issues I was up against. I had been deeply engrossed in this new life and being away in this “straight nightclub felt like I had traveled to another country and now I was back home. Just as most exciting adventures, I wanted to be back in the journey from where I had come
The night ended early.
Debra had disapproved of this engagement, but she and Anna had been invited to Cynthia and Sabrina’s. I was not included. The invitation was explicit and Debra as well as I knew she had to allay a potential exposure.
I had a few drinks, I felt sure footed.
Debra had let me drive her Sierra, highly unusual; she loved that truck and very seldom let it out of her sight. I still called Debra to tell her I was on my way home, so she could watch for me.
“Dianne, don’t come home" Her voice, low and controlled. I could hear Anna in the background. Her words unclear, her mood, clear.
I started shaking uncontrollably. There it was.
“What Debra, please WHAT";
“Just. Don’t. Come. Home." She sounded very frightened.
By the way IISTG means If It Seems Too Good to be True
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