This is an absolutely true story Book Index(click on video to turn off music)
“I enjoy convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while.” George Bernard Shaw
1997-1998Mel had decided at some point in this period she needed a hysterectomy.
So first she had the laparoscopy - an operation where they filled her stomach with gas to see if she really needed one, why they bothered was beyond me.She didn’t need one, but she insisted. She was a lesbian, why did she need that gear anyhow? Her periods were not that bad, but she was quite beastly beforehand and gave a whole new facet to PMS. You see as a rule, Mel was quite placid in demeanor. As I have said, we never fought. Others she had been with found this to be quite unbelievable.
But we loved each other with respect. We talked, very seldom raising our voices. That is one thing Mel could not tolerate, and that was “screaming”. Lesbians call screaming anything that is negative to how they personally feel. It is rather difficult then to know when one is in the throes of offending. After a while you can get the feel of it.
We had our rules, I don’t make the rules, I just think them up and write them down. But these rules kept our relationship sane and full of laughs. I promise, if you adhere to these rules in your relationship, it will be a happy one, if just for a while:
1. You can never use the words “You’re the one” .
2. Never lie, you cannot Unscramble eggs.
Mahatma Gandhi said: “Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.” OK, I know you are thinking the obvious, but actually, this rule was rather clever. I found that by not lying you eliminate a lot of arguing. And after all it is so much easier to remember the truth. When one lies, you need to write everything you said down lest you betray yourself. But what I found is; the truth is confounding. When Mel would ask me “Did you do this or that”…like take more medication than allowed, I would simply tell her the truth “Yes, I did and I am sorry”. Where does one go with that?
3. Don’t go to bed angry.
Such a tired and obvious rule. My philosophy is no, stay up and plot your revenge.
4. You have 24 hours to bring any problem to the surface.
If you have a problem, do not mull around the house looking angry but refusing to diffuse the issue. From the moment you show your pouty, angry passive aggressive face, the clock counts down. In other words, you cannot bring it up again 25 hours or 25 days later. Or ever.
5. Do not air your dirty laundry.
I truly felt that Mel and I could solve issues within our little household. I could discuss anything with her, so why tell others only for them to distort the facts and possibly/probably cause problems? I never had the need to go to others to discuss issues regarding our relationship. And it wasn’t like she was such a treasure that I had no issues.
She spent way too much money on way too ridiculous items, some never out of their carton, constantly putting us in the red.
She slept all the time and did very little around the house, but if I followed suit, she would cry foul, that I wasn’t the wife she had thought she committed to. She did cut the lawn, but had a rider mower and it really was more sport than work. She went into a deep depression when the landlord took that duty away from her.
She had health problems that didn’t exist and some that did, she exasperated until they interfered with our physical relationship.
She missed too much work which put her in a bad light with her coworkers causing them to shun her. She would claim she did not understand why, but I think she knew. This led to depression.
No matter how wonderful our life, she was depressed until I would agree to extravagant spending sprees, or trips and vehicles.
She was a funeral groupie. I think she even registered at Wal-Mart. She had to go to every funeral of every person and relative she could find on the internet supposedly in her family tree. Trips cross country costing money and taking more time from her work. Now, all of this could maybe have been stopped. These funerals brought to her a sort of compassionate attention from her coworkers. She thrived on this sort of pathos. The VA had generous personal leave time...apparently.
If just once one of them would have said "Really? An Uncle you haven't seen in 40 years? Who you hated? And abused you when he did see you? Really????"
Mel would go these funerals as a meet up with her sister who at the time lived far from her. They would perform their necessary functions, all of maybe one hour of the entire 3 to 4 days and then the rest of the trip was for them to visit, party and shop.
She had the desire to appear to be the all giving, unselfish friend. Without the work. So when others needed someone to take care of their household, or children, she offered to do so, and then assigned me the task. I took care of her mother until she died and then her father – until he passed. She insisted I quit my job to do so. If she had issues with co-workers or friends, she assigned me the task of complaining to them less she risk their friendship should they not agree. Even if I too didn't agree, I was still assumed to take her side unquestioned. And I did.
Her last venture was to pick up a fellow Coast Guard buddy and bring him to our house for me to take care of. He was so very awfully sick, and he lived in Florida. He really didn’t have long, he had AIDS and I knew the different stages, he was at the worst, something I could not wish on an enemy. She drove to Florida to bring him back to New Hampshire. I could not imagine how she intended to do this. The trip alone would shorten any time he had. When she arrived home she told me he had died before she got there. I did not chose my words well.
I used the unfortunate word “Good”. I was relieved to hear the poor soul was free of the pain and suffering. She interpreted this to mean I wasn’t up to the task, and maybe I wasn’t. She also took this as me being callous, but truly, who was the callous selfish one here? Who could wish for anyone to suffer like that?
But I never saw these things. I loved her unequivocally. I didn't need an excuse and I surely did not look for approval. When people would ask me why? I would tell them it is for all the reasons that love exists. It just is. The world is round, the sky is blue and I love Mel.
So they did the hysterectomy. Her sister was livid, because the tape the doctor made of the surgery, showed a healthy uterus, ovaries and tubes. Mel's sister Candee had a daughter who was trying to get pregnant without success. So Candee took this as a personal affront. What the hell was Mel supposed to do, carry a child for her? That would have been very interesting and dangerous for all who knew her. My God, 9 months of melodrama.
Mel showed the footage of this surgery to anyone who would sit still, much as one would do with a vacation video.
I was always sick with concern when Mel would have procedures. Anesthesia is the most dangerous element in surgery and I was concerned she may not come out of it, or worse, be handicapped in some way. But at least this time, everything went ok and she could have been discharged in 48 hours but Mel made certain she stayed in long enough for every nurse and medical technician in her phone book to come a sit bedside holding her poor hand. Then after a while she would jump up all better because she needed a cigarette.
Mel decided I too needed a hysterectomy. Maybe so… What’s the worst that can happen?
I could collapse in on myself like a dying star.More....
By the way IISTG means If It Seems Too Good to be True