"You're so smart!" you tell your child when she brings home a spelling test. "You are such a great athlete!" is what we say after really any maneuver in the weekly soccer game. Our society is a feel good culture. This means having a positive attitude and creating high self-esteem in our children by praising them, constantly, almost reflexively. Nothing could be wrong with the above sentences, right? Well, maybe.
As Po Bronson discusses in his latest book, NurtureShock, written with Ashley Merryman, research at Stanford University led by Carol Dweck shows that the wrong kind of praise can actually harm your child's development. Kids given the general praise, "You're so smart" as opposed to being told, "Great job working hard" on an initial test actually did worse on subsequent tests and were less confident about their abilities in the face of challenges. These kids, who were praised for their innate abilities, actually chose simpler tasks that they knew they would do well on (and fit into the mold of being smart), than those praised for something more concrete, like their efforts. In a cross-cultural study done in Illinois and Hong Kong, kids were given a two part test. In the break in between, the research assistant told the mothers that their kids had not done well (regardless of their actual scores), and gave the mothers 5 minutes with their child before part two of the test. In the video footage, the American mothers avoided the topic of their child's performance completely, talked about other things, and were generally encouraging, whereas the Chinese mothers used that time to go over concepts with their kids. As a result the Chinese kids improved their scores by a whopping 1/3. The Stanford research also suggested that brain development is enhanced by a challenge, much like a muscle, and therefore kids given the kind of empty praise that would lead them to challenge themselves less, would not develop as much intellectually as a result.So what are better ways for us to praise and encourage our kids?
Be specific:
"Great job working on your letters."
"You must have practiced your piano a lot this week, that sounded really great."
"I am so proud of you for trying so hard on your math homework this week. I can tell that you learned a lot."
"Great job sharing."
Switching over to this kind of specific praise will take practice, that is certain.
The one general, positive sentence that is only good and all good, concludes Bronson, is telling your kids, "I love you."
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Kim Gamble
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Spectrum Voice
Susie Lindau
Lauren B. Davis
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