At first glance, 3 year old Rachel appeared to be made of "sugar and spice and everything nice." With golden waves of hair framing an angelic face, she seemed to be a good candidate for a new friend when my little one entered preschool.
Soon, however, it became apparent that Rachel would be not everyone's friend, but instead a mini Queen Bee. Her pretty exterior attracted all the little girls in her class. She kept a few in her inner circle, but ignored the rest, telling them, "You are not my friend." She even developed a complicated system that allowed her an eager acolyte every day she attended preschool, based upon the various part-time schedules her classmates had. "You can play with me on Friday, when Elisa is not here," she told one girl. "But if she is here, you can't play with me." The tears she provoked in other little girls didn't seem to bother her.
It would be a relief if Rachel were an "evil" exception, but it has become clear to me over the years that cliques and popularity contests, meanness and overt bullying start early, even as early as toddlerhood. This is far earlier than most parents expect, years before the more often discussed cyber-bullying among teens begins.
Recently, The New York Times reported research in child development which confirmed my casual observations. The article cites several recent statistics:
-a Harris poll of 1,144 parents nationwide found that 67 percent of parents of 3- to 7-year-olds worry that their children will be bullied.
-of 273 third graders surveyed in Massachusetts, 47 percent have been bullied at least once; 52 percent reported being called mean names, being made fun of or teased in a hurtful way; and 51 percent reported being left out of things on purpose, excluded from their group of friends or completely ignored at least once in the past couple of months.
Social scientists didn't begin studying bullying until the last decade, so there are many questions remaining on whether there is truly an increase in bullying among young children or if it heightened awareness, and if there is more bullying, the reasons for this. Possibilities that researchers have considered include an effect of earlier-onset puberty and influence of the media. One researcher quoted, Tracy Vaillancourt of the University of Ottawa, expanded on this point: “The research literature on aggression is very clear that... it’s monkey see, money do. Kids mirror the larger culture, from reality TV to materialism.” And as we are all aware, TV these days may not provide the best role models. Meline Kevorkian, another researcher, explained, “What we see as comedy is actually making fun of other people.”
Mirroring my observation that little girls at my daughters' preschool seemed more precocious than the boys at being bullies, were the findings of a study at Indiana University. The research linked aggressive behavior to shows with stars deemed "socially aggressive." Such shows included Disney's "Hannah Montana," superficially geared at teens but most popular with elementary age and even the under-5 set. The study found that watching these programs increased the likelihood that girls, not boys, engaged in aggressive behavior.
Most frightening to me was the trend described by a Boston school guidance counselor, Erin Monroe. She sees six year olds who are tormented for liking the wrong characters or shows "pulling their hair out, throwing up before school and complaining of constant stomachaches."
Bullying is a serious problem, with major psychological consequences for children in their earliest stages of social development, when they are beginning to develop their sense of self-worth. It is more than simply harmless "teasing." Thankfully, public authorities advocate the importance of preventing bullying early. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan discussed such efforts in elementary schools at a "Bullying Prevention Summit" in August. This fall, "Stop Bullying Now!," a program developed by the Public Health Service, will target 5 to 8 year olds.
I have seen a great example of a model whose aim is not simply "bullying prevention," but creating a positive school environment. My children's school is a "Tribes Learning Community," an educational model which provides a positive environment for learning and social growth. The goals are that children
-feel included and appreciated by peers and teachers
-are respected for their different abilities, cultures, gender, interests and dreams
-are actively involved in their own learning
-have positive expectations from others that they will succeed.
Four "agreements" are honored in a Tribes community, and children as young as 5 are able to remember, recite, and hopefully comprehend these tenets:
1) attentive listening
2) appreciation/no put downs
3) mutual respect
4) the right to pass
I'm curious to know what your experiences have been with bullying in young children. Do you think this is a new or growing trend? Why do you think we're seeing so much bullying now? What have your local schools done to prevent bullying?
__________________________
Pamela Paul, "Cultural Studies: The Playground Gets Even Tougher." The New York Times, October 8, 2010.
Public domain image: Children playing with Campbell kid dolls. New York, New York , 1912 March. Creator: Hine, Lewis Wickes, 1874-1940. Library of Congress, Prints & Photographs Division, National Child Labor Committee Collection, LC-DIG-nclc-04210 (color digital file from b&w original print) No known restrictions on publication.
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Comments
I was listening to a This American Life episode recently, where a teacher/education researcher put a rule into place -- "You can't tell someone they can't play with you." Such a simple rule, and the kids were at first quite offended and thought it would ruin all the fun of play time. I'll look for the episode and give you a link, when I get the chance. It was really fascinating.
Seems to me boys fight physical, girls manipulate more emotionally. Seems to me if they [girls] have a strong, clear-headed (non-baggage carrying) role models(s), the chances of them bullying are less. It's a good foundation until the social and peer pressures take hold. Best of luck.
I'm not saying this behavior is right, or good. But I'm saying it's far older than Hannah Montana.
I think it's a growing trend that adults are beginning to pay attention to it. Not the behavior itself, but the attention.
Hasn't anyone read Laura Ingalls Wilder? Remember Nellie Olson? Remember how mean the girls were to each other, both as children and as teens in the later books? When Laura was the one dishing it out, she knew she was wrong, but she did it anyway (writing cruel poetry about the teacher, Eliza Jane Wilder).
I'm sure people, incl. children, have always been mean. Pre-school is a modern invention however, so no real way to know how groups of 3 yr olds have acted throughout time.
Reality tv is also a modern invention--and observing bullying through that medium has become a hugely popular form of entertainment for school age children, teens & adults. The result? Bullying is taught to be hilarious, fun and likely to win you attention.
But not too many 3 yr olds are hooked on jersey shore (I hope!)
Rather, toddlers are wired to be selfish. Most (80%) boy brains are wired to physically go after what they want, while most (80%) girl brains are wired to apply emotions, psychology to get what they want.
A great book to read on the subject is anything by Joann Deak, PhD. It is her I am paraphrasing about how boy and girl brains are wired differently.
R
I watched mimetalker's video about the class her grandchildren participated in, and it seemed to me the best idea for promoting respect and compassion and kindness. In the end, it is up to the parents to foster such attitudes, a teacher may only reinforce it.
Having taught in Canada, I have seen a lot of bullying and initially it was not as much recognized as it is today. My own son was bullied in elementary school and his teacher(s) did not want to recognize the problem. His father and I had to fight a lot with the school system which wanted to turn the problem around and blame it on my son calling him "unsociable", when he was really reluctant and frightened by the bullies around him. He became more withdrawn and we had to change school because of that reason until he found a teacher who knew how to excel his talents.
Bullying exists because :
1. Often "the blind leads the blind" i.s. children are left unattended to follow each other's example because their parents are too busy to involve themselves with what is going on .
2. They do not have good role models whether on TV or school and are misled into thinking that good behaviour is sissiness and aggressiveness is what gets them anywhere.
3. Lack of education. We need to educate our children not in band aid terms as problems arise, but provide them with a full program in social-life skills that teaches them to be decent human beings and carry positive values and self esteem. Bullies lack self esteem, and they think by exerting power or terrorizing someone else, they have control.
Rated.
Society now expects for schools to "socialize", in addition to educating, their children. Since over-worked teachers don't have the time to do either job justice, our society is/has (been) devolving to a "Lord of the Flies"/law of the jungle model. Given our social dynamics it was inevitable.
(R)
Bonnie- I see the parallel. Have you seen how little girls dress these days?
Linda- I miss the old Disney.
Duane- I do think there is some harm in so-called helicopter parenting, but I do think that the positive-reinforcement taught in the Tribes school community I write about here is about building a backbone, as well as respect for others.
Bell, that is the rule they use at the preschool, but clearly some need to be reminded more often than others.
Scarlett, I agree with you. Parents are not only role models, but correctors and teachers. Rachel's mom was not the nicest, either.
Froggy, Nellie O might have been the original, but there are so many more examples in today's culture.
caroline marie, thanks for the insights
Donna, as I commented on your post today, yes, parents have a lot to do with this.
diana, I missed Mimetalker's video and will look for it, thanks.
Blue, I do think it is happening earlier. A disturbing trend, if so.
Fusun, thanks for sharing your perspective as a teacher- I was hoping for that.
Fred, I agree on time/resource constraints. But teaching proper social behavior is a prerequisite for a safe and functioning school environment. It should happen at home, but when that fails, it has to happen in school. Which gets back to the problem of lack of funding.
So far it's going well, but there is one second-grade girl who wields power over other kids by dictating inclusion/exclusion. I fame it like this for him: "No matter how she treats you, you always need to treat her with respect. If she can't be respectful to you, then I don't think she should have the opportunity to be your friend until she can be respectful." Another mom talks to her child about how he holds part of his heart back in the friendship with this girl so he doesn't continue to be so hurt.
What I found really interesting in the NYT article, and my anecdotal experience bears this out, is that the parents of the mean girls are indifferent to or even proud of the bullying. It seems like it's a heritable dysfunction bolstered by inappropriate media.
AU, that transition from Montessori must be a huge one! Your approach is wise. And I do agree with you about the apple not falling far from the tree.
My son has been macho since birth, so no one (as far as I know) ever bullied him at Montessori and what followed. Nor did he bully anyone in his schools (as far as I know).
Wonder if the 3-year-old queen bee you describe will change. Keep an eye, Linda.
It probably is sometimes a reflection of the economic state. Kids who have a mother at home or who have a stronger relationship with their families are less likely, in my opinion and observation, to lash out.
Sometimes during bad economies, kids have to fend for themselves more since parents may have to work more hours or parents maybe more tired and say things they don't mean to kids more, making kids take out frustrated feelings on someone else.
It's a complicated issue.
What's sad and pathetic is that this happens in the adult world too.
Best Wishes,
Blittie
It started with my eldest when she was around 9 so about 25 years ago, she was too smart and too fat. It was a little to late by the time I figured out how you handle these types so she had a rotten childhood, but it's okay she has a lot of anti-depressants and is a real witch now.
My youngest got kicked in the head by a boy walking by in preschool about 25 years ago. I checked with the staff and they'd spoken with the parents and they couldn't find another school and blah blah. I told them I didn't care if they left the kid on the freeway and he was killed, I raised a huge stink and threatened to call an attorney, they tossed him.
I figured it out, I told them when this happens if the teachers won't help, find a way and and kick the crap out of the bully, knock them down when they aren't looking and keep kicking. My youngest is tiny and gorgeous (she used to be sweet) so she got picked on a lot too. When she got called taco and shoved in Jr. High, she did what I told her and really wailed on him, he went and beat someone else up next time.
She got kicked again by a soccer player with an "anger management" problem in high school, he'd done it before in school. Her boyfriend and a bunch of guys ran him off the road and kicked his butt too. He left her alone, but he's in prison for beating his girlfriend to death.
TV was very different, in every case the parents knew but mostly they are just bad people, it's not complex. They say all the right stuff but it doesn't interfere with their life, they only care what other people think so they lie, manipulate or bully their own kid when it interferes with their life. I've seen it so often I now understand. In most cases, they don't really care about their kids, which is heart breaking but you can't save children just because their parents are narcissists.
Neither my girls or I are very nice to that kind anymore, it doesn't seem to hurt the feelings of the bullies that much so we don't feel bad about it and in reality you don't need people like that, they can stay with their own kind and hold their own. Society, school and the law are not going to do squat. If they cross over into the goody groups, you need to squash these people from the get go, then you can afford to be nice to everyone else. War is ugly but that's what school has always been, there are simply a lot more selfish lazy adults. Kids will be monsters.