I admit it: I thought it was stupid when my church youth group stopped participating in the 30 Hour Famine (http://www.30hourfamine.org/). I don't know enough about this activity to either endorse or renounce it, but our youth group used to raise money for hunger awareness by fasting for 30 hours. Then, it seems, some of the girls liked fasting a little too much, and didn't stop when their 30 hours were over.

About 3 years ago, I was in a really bad place emotionally. Hubby and I were dealing with (rather, NOT dealing with) the deaths of several close family members, including his son. We were out-of-control fighting. I was depressed, and I was having an affair, which was conflicting me even more. Both that I loved the other man which made my husband's flaws stand out more, and that I hated myself for acting against my beliefs.

In a conscious cry for help, I decided to stop eating. I figured someone eventually would see how much I was hurting inside, if it became apparent outside. I found online support groups for anorexia (ana) and bulimia (mia). These people became my friends, and I learned waaaaay too much about the art of not eating, or binging/purging. (The mia phase passed quickly, once I read Robin's accounts of exactly how much permanant damage she'd done to her body, and saw the young girls who'd died in the bathroom from their disease.)

I didn't have to eat breakfast or lunch, or if I did, I knew the entrees at Tokyo Joe's and Noodles that looked like I was eating, but totalled 250 calories. I could have eggs and melon, broccoli and tofu. I knew the tricks for getting out of eating dinner, or making it look like I was eating more than I was.

Quickly, ana was no longer controllable. I felt sick if I had any food in my stomach. I knew I wasn't fat, which is the only thing that separated me from a true ana, but I physically couldn't handle having food in my body. Alcohol? Sure. Just not food.

On the support sites, I was known as a cyclical ana. Most anas struggle all the time, while others, like me, have our triggers, like emotional upset, that make us go into an ana phase for a few months, then cycle back to a healthier phase. On these sites, it's common to post your HW (high weight), LW (low weight), CW (current), and GW (goal). My stats:

HW (not pregnant): 112

LW: 92

CW: 102

GW: 85

(For the record, I'm very short, very small framed/boned, but that's still ridiculous.)

The only person who noticed was my mother. She visited in the summer, when we usually see each other in the winter, when I have winter weight and bulky clothes. She was shocked. I didn't think I looked fat, but I thought I looked great!! I lied and said I wasn't dieting, that she just wasn't used to seeing me in the summer. I even emailed my sister after the visit, lying, telling her to tell mom that my BMI was normal (it wasn't, and I was proud of that).

Hubby didn't notice my weight loss, and when I pointed it out to him, thought that I was doing it for the other guy. Other guy, who I worked with, who saw me not-eat, who saw me naked 15 pounds lighter when I didn't need to lose 15 pounds, who'd dated college cheerleaders, whose best female friend was 5'10" and weighed 90 pounds ... he still was too clueless to see the signs.

To this day, I don't know what snapped me out. My emotions healed a little, which allowed me to start eating slowly again. I go through phases where I weigh 5 times a day, then I don't weigh again for weeks.

But I'm scared. I'm hurting, and I'm weighing again. And I'm down 3 pounds.