APRIL 25, 2012 11:09PM

If the NORKs Don't Blow a Nuke: Policy Options

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 As a preface for this Budweiser style approach to the question of the still impending North Korean nuclear test, and as a warning, this is the heavy Bud, not the Bud Lite.

I mean, this is the Psycho Killer W. Budweiser, Not-Lite, just as this is the American Psycho W. Budweiser, and Saddam got a dirt nap 'cause of that mentality, like Dirty Harry and Mr. Blonde, and American Psycho, and that's a great movie actually, American Psycho, really a classic about what's important in life, like a good business card and keeping it all a really tightly run ship, the more freakishly anal retentive the better, for when the explosion happens, and of course the explosion is the plan for death and destruction, and ole W, the real one who liked his Bud heavy, well, he liked to taunt the NORKs, by calling Kim Jong Il a "dwarf," because in East Asia, that's when you " hen duo wenzhanga," touch someone's nerve, in putonghua/modern Mandarin.

Hao jiu bujian Lee Taitai. Wo hen xihuan shou mingtian.

That's why the Chinese said the Indian missile was a "dwarf." When you Chengdu with Alice, get it?, and Sichuan Alice's a nice meal, or shou putonghua with a Lee in Fujien, but Wendy's is still best, as that's the Jerry the Shepherd in me, so all in American Psycho, you need to say it right, mas o menos, to mix languages and metaphors.

Wo hen xihuan ni mei tian dou zai xie hen duo wenzhanga, I hope with the dwarf North Koreans. Inshallah, ni mei tian dou zai xie hen duo wenzhang, ojala que los matararan a los koreanos nortes, los dwarfs, striking with linguistic and other chaos.

Now, the NORKs, they could still pop a nuke off, and then we'd have some hard decisions to make, because of the effrontery of that in the context of Iran, and because frankly of what could be next. Preemptive strikes might be a real consideration in that "NORKs popping a nuke scenario," if others wouldn't advocate that, because of the artillery on the DMZ, or just ignoring them on the theory that we can expose the a high percentage of the DPRK population to 15 pounds blast overpressure if need be, plus burn things too, and that's without the nukes necessarily, so why worry, be happy.

To be fair, we could just sing, "Doo, do, doo, do doo ... don't worry, be happy, we can kill all the NORKs if they attack, don't worry be happy, doo, doo.... boom boom, boom, all the NORKs are dead if they attack the ROK, don't worry, be happy. Doo ... ."

Mr. Blonde has a different style when he sings of death and destruction, "stuck in the middle with you.... cue Marvin screaming, eeee, clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right... ." That's akita style there, plus Jerry the Shepherd.

Some on the other hand as to the "Don't Worry Be Happy with Nuclear Norks," are a little uncomfortable with that kind of casual assumption that nuclear deterrence is quite what we think it is, instead of what the NORKs think it is.

That's because they don't feel safe that way, since they think the NORKs are batshit crazy dogeating dwarfs, and want Mr. Blonde, my favorite Reservoir Dog, to apply his special skill set to the problm, like W, American Psycho style, drinking lots of Budweiser. No one wants to be Mr. Orange, if Mr. Pink of course is the correct answer, unless its American Psycho W. and his drinking buddy Mr. Blonde's time too:

"How's Saddam looking, you freaking dwarfs?"

"Woof little psycho North Korean dwarf kendo, are you gonna bark all day long, or are you going to bite?" on the other hand, that is the Mr. Blonde Budweiser theory of international relations. Note the metaphor: heavy Budweiser, not Bud Lite, more like Yeagermeister time, dwarfs.

Wo hen xihuan ni mei tian dou zai xie hen duo wenzhanga, inshallah.

Of course Reservoir Dogs didn't exactly have a happy ending, although its a good illustration of "trembling hand perfect equilibrium," failing though: "Don't point that gun at my only North Korean Kendo all psycho that he is. Tien, heaven,  why did we be friends with them, but oh well, Don't point that gun at my batshit crazy ally who I knew someday was going to get me killed!" said the Chinese Chow to the American Pit Bull, as the Bears and Akitas, and Jerry the Shepherd, of course, circled the Pit Bull and the good Southern kendo and the psycho Northern dwarf kendo facing off in an MMA contest to the death.

Of course, a Lee birdy taunted me about chicken and what you eat, and then told me to say, "Wo hen xihuan ni mei tian dou zai xie hen duo wenzhanga." LOL. Bye dwarfs.

"Church's chicken's in the Hood's just another word for nothing left to lose, and I aint' nothing, I ain't nothing if I ain't Church's chicken in the Hood."

Quote: "Sorry for your head injury, white boy."

"Head injury?"

"For being out here all alone."

Some would advocate considering using tactical nuclear weapons on the NORKs if the dwarfs really want to rock and roll, to just put that psycho doggie to sleep, finally, or if not, just do such a thing as crash remote flown 747 cargo planes laden with RDX CH6 mixture, hexagen if you speak Jerry or Ivan, which with 50,000 gallons of fuel would incinerate a lot of North Koreans, like maybe more than 100,000 dwarf soldiers, and a hard to estimate number of non-combatants, if probably less than one tenth of that, unless a plane missed.

But maybe the NORKs bitched out on popping a nuke after all, since they're dwarfs, and know it.

"Woof!" Like in The War of the Roses.

Mr. Blonde would say,

"Too bad your freak Dear Leader Dad's not around anymore, Brilliant General, as he'd get all the film references, since the only thing Daddy Kim Jong Il ever did was get blowjobs from prostitutes while snorting coke and watching imported movies, since he was a psycho dwarf."

"Wanna bite little doggie, or are you a bitch?" That's heavy Budweiser there, classic Jerry the Shepherd.

Wo hen xihuan ni mei tian dou zai xie hen duo wenzhanga, inshallah, ojala que los dwarfs se suicidieran por demonstrar una arma nuclear.

Option A at the other end of the spectrum, if they don't pop a nuke still, is to say that we just let things slide, and see what happens. "What satellite test, what deal?"

Jerry the Shepherd of couse says, "Bring on Mr. Blonde!

If you are going for what you think is the safe route to a certain mentality, you do Samuel L, instead of Mr. Blonde, and be Fonzie Cool his way, you just say,

"The NORKs have our number if they want to talk nuclear turkey again, instead of chicken, and we're all Fonzie Cool" Jim Baker style in 91 with the Middle Eastern Peace process.

Of course that was with Israel, and really the Palestinians, both of whom look like portraits of psychiatric health compared to the NORK dwarfs.

That's of course if they don't test a nuclear weapon, in which South Korean intelligence was pretty clear that they were at least making noises to do so, and, they still could. More in another post about how to interpret that activity, although simply put, it could be under the most favorable scenario, a case of "With or Without You."

In other words, the North Koreans could have created all this hassle to demonstrate both resolve to wage war under certain circumstances, us included as to attempts to strike the United States with weapons of mass destruction, and probably cyber from what they have done before.  With or without you is to go to the edge, and see if you'll meet them right there, and then, its a fluid situation again over time.

They could also still be getting ready to go over that edge, and that possibility of the NORKs initiating the use of force, up to and including weapons of mass destruction cannot be discounted safely, ever.

I roll with the Tide, the Crimson Tide if need be, but with Hackman, not Denzel this time.

Just remember that since some people were advocating blowing the missile out of the sky, one NORK option was to detonate it first, to control the tactical and strategic initiative, while feigning weakness, to then get a shot in. Of course that's Mr. Blonde style thinking, which is batshit crazy paranoid in its own way, but, then again, you're dealing with the NORK dwarfs.

The downside to Option A of just letting things slide is that not only does it lack initiative, but it could be positively dangerous if the NORKs are thinking about going, as it shows a lack of resolve.

The other option really, if they pop another nuke, is to just be Mr. Blonde, and like Joe said when Mr. Orange told the drug dog story, just jump in the shit, and swim, Fonzie Cool in its own way, like Mr. Blonde.

Wo hen xihuan ni mei tian dou zai xie hen duo wenzhanga, wo hen xihuan meiguo huihuai the dwarf dogeating North Koreans.

finis

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