Recently I’ve been following and commenting on a post written by Loretta Kemsley for newsvine.com. This is Loretta’s bio as presented on her newsvine blog page:
Loretta Kemsley is the publisher of Moondance: Celebrating Creative Women, which enjoys the distinction of being the first women's emag to be published on the Internet. Founded in 1996, Moondance was honored by UNESCO for its unique qualities that benefit women on an international basis.
Her passions include literature, equestrian sports, women's issues, the sacred feminine and sacred sexuality. She lives a quiet life filled with the beauty of nature, life-long friends and a cadre of critters.
Loretta is a feminist, whose one and only goal in writing is to point out the inequities women must deal with and to right that wrong. Admirable – most of the time.
Actually, her intentions are admirable all of the time. It is her methods that sometimes leave me straining under the weight of disbelief and, since I dare to voice my disagreement, suffering from the barbs and stones she hurls my way. Recently, Loretta wrote a post entitled, “Women’s Dress Blamed for Rape? >> Female Beauty.”
Misconceptions about rape are always good to address even when the reference material is dug out of some newspaper’s archives. In this instance, Loretta was writing about comments made by Australia’s senior Muslim cleric, Sheik Taj Aldin Alhilali in 2006.
According to a Sunday Times (UK) published October 26, 2006:
Australia's most senior Muslim cleric (has) triggered international outrage for describing women who dress immodestly as "uncovered meat" who are inviting a sexual attack. Sheik Taj Aldin al-Hilali - the Mufti of Australia - condemned women who "sway suggestively", wear make-up and no hijab or Islamic headscarf, in a Ramadan sermon to 500 worshipper.
Certainly them’s fightin’ words, especially in any country where freedom is a birthright. It is also fairly certain that Sheik al-Hilali’s words were meant to instigate and antagonize, which they very effectively did. This despicable man is a walking/talking hidden agenda – a hidden agenda that is pretty much “in your face” blatant. Sheif Taj Aldin al-Hilali’s only reason for spouting such inflammatory sentiments is to cause controversy and unrest among his own people and throughout the world.
Consider how successful he was if Ms. Kemsley had to revisit his statements five years after the fact. Rather than write a she said/she said piece, I am going to copy and paste some of the things Loretta and her followers posted, especially those in response to my comments. You will quickly see that I am odd woman out and that the majority of responders do a mean rendition of Twist and Shout – and I’m not talking about the song.
Before I proceed any further, I want to state that I have been advocating on behalf of victims of violent crime, in particular sexual assault, for four years. In 2007 my daughter was brutally beaten and repeatedly raped by a maintenance man who used a master key to enter her apartment. The first twenty five years of my life were spent in hell on earth, which at the time was located in Hudson County, New Jersey. After a childhood filled with mental and physical abuse, I married a man (first husband/long gone), who psychiatrists eventually diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with latent homosexual tendencies. He took all of his frustrations out on me in the vilest of ways. And yet, here I am, here my daughter is, stronger and wiser because of our experiences.
Yes, “… stronger and wiser because of our experiences” – and oh, so much more aware of what we could have done – should always do – to protect ourselves from violent crime and/or sexual assault. What is that, you might ask? Simple! Think! Always, always think before venturing out into the world even if you are only venturing to the end of the driveway to put out your trash.
Excerpts from Loretta Kemsley’s post:
Donna Carbone
I can already feel the heat rising from the pit over which my body will be roasted for my comments but I am prepared. I've been here before and I will be here again. For four years I have been advocating on behalf of victims of violent crime, in particular sexual assault. Along with a certified instructor in the award winning safety awareness program "Refuse to be a Victim" we will be offering seminars on how to protect oneself from harm. And do you know what one of those ways is? An acceptance of the fact that if you are going to dress provocatively, you had better be prepared for the negative attention it will garner.
No woman deserves to be raped. Choosing to go naked through the streets does not qualify a female as being rape worthy. Nothing a woman does, no manner of behavior justifies abuse. But -- and there is always a “but” -- where you go, how you act, who you are with, what you are wearing are all triggers for rapists. So if you are going to expose your ass and your breasts, if you are going to drink and behave seductively, if you are going to habituate areas that are less than safe, you had best be aware that the fact that you don't deserve to be raped means nothing to a rapist.
Yes, in this country -- in every country -- women should able to go, do and dress as they want without fear of assault. But we don't live between the pages of a story book. This is not a fairy tale. This is real life and here the princess often wakes up brutally beaten -- if she is lucky to wake up at all. And why? Because she chose to protect herself with rhetoric rather than reality.
Sheik Hilaly's comments were disgusting and they are also proof that the human mind harbors many thoughts that are far from humane. If what he said doesn't make every woman realize that safety is an illusion, then I don't know what else is needed to bring that message home.
I listened to the three hour confession of the man who beat my daughter beyond recognition and raped her in every conceivable way. Trust me, he didn't give a damn about women's rights. He was only interested in his own wants and needs and he brought a machete along just to make sure he wasn't denied them. I can guarantee you one thing, in a battle between a machete and a mini skirt, the machete will always win!
Did I tell women that they cannot dress provocatively? Did I say that a woman is responsible for being raped because of how she chooses to dress? No! I asked that women be prepared to face the consequences of their decisions. I love to show a little breast and wear high heels with my somewhat short skirts, but I do that when I have people (a husband) nearby who can fend off unwanted advances for me and when I know that the place I am going is relatively safe. It is impossible to fight, should the need arise, in restrictive clothing such as tight skirts. Have you ever really watched a woman walking in high heels? Few do it gracefully. For the most part, they are pitched forward at an awkward angle and their balance is somewhat shaky. This is not the best stance for a good swift kick to the genitals!
If you want to reduce the chances of being a victim, think first, then go out and have a good time.
Nasty Responder 1:
Why the hell should women have to reflexively think self-defensively like this in a damn supermarket parking lot 5 min from home in a decent 'hood?
Anybody care to answer the above. I just didn’t have it in me to state the obvious.
Loretta Kemsley:
Donna, all of your arguments merely confirm that women don't cause men to rape.
Your daughter was in her home, not out scantily dressed. She was raped.
Rapists will rape again and again and again.
Rapists are determined to rape,
All of your arguments are true except the one where you claim women are raped because of the way they dress. Women are raped because a rapist targets them and finds an opportunity to carry out their long-held plans.
The idea that women must be on 24hour/ 7day a week perfect vigilence is unrealistic and abusive. That's never going to happen and as long as women are told that's how they must live, then they will have to give up their freedom to live a normal life and they will always be "to blame" for their mistakes.
That's supporting a rape culture that says rapists are not responsible for their crimes, that men can't control themselves and men shouldn't go to jail because she did something wrong.
In other words, that's the same blarney as the Muslim cleric who is the subject of this seed stated.
I need input here, guys and gals. Did I say women are raped because of the way they dress? What’s wrong with being aware 24/7 that danger may be lurking nearby? If trying to prevent being attacked is abusive, what the hell is actually being attacked? Help me to understand where this lady is coming from.
Donna Carbone:
I never said women are raped because of how they are dressed. However, how you dress, how you act, where you go and who you are with are all factors that can draw negative attention to a woman. My daughter's attacker had been watching her for a long time. Even on the night of the attack, he confessed to sitting outside her apartment for hours -- waiting and planning. A rapist doesn't have a specific look anymore than a victim has a specific look. However, if I see someone whose appearance and behavior causes me to shiver, I cross the street. If a rapist sees someone who causes him to "shiver," he crosses the street as well. The only difference is I walk away. He walks towards!
Nasty Responder 3:
If you are going to say that you are not saying women are raped based on how they dress, you might want to just stop right after that because the sentence after your sentence is you indirectly implying that women are molested and or raped based on how they dress.
Well in that case (referring to decision to cross the street) you're calling the rapist over. When you act like people are out to get you, it tells the people you want them to come after you. Better yet, how do you know the alleged "rapist" is coming after you? Maybe they're just crossing the street. Do they follow you for a while or do they walk off after a bit?
The above responder’s comments were so ridiculous, I just stopped answering.
Donna Carbone (final):
I never said the victim had to take responsibility for the assault. That's your interpretation. I said that people -- all people -- need to take responsibility for their own safety. That's what we do whether we are going out for the evening or taking the trash out to the curb.
Of course, these are just a few of the exchanges that went on for two days. I eventually gave up in desperation. I was afraid to catch the “delusional” virus that seemed to have infected so many people on this blog. However, I do want to be fair, and I do want some input from you, my OS friends. Here is the website:
If you have the time, please read the exchange. Write your comments here or send me an email. If I’m wrong – to be honest, no matter what anyone says, I will never change my mind – but I do value your input. You tell me – should we make self preservation a priority? Should we prepare ourselves for the possibility of danger? Should we think – always, always think – before we act?
I’m anxiously awaiting your replies.
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Comments
I have no restriction on what to wear, but like you, I use my head about it. We are not stupid and some people do like to dress provocatively for a reason, they simply want the attention. The tight and ill fitting clothing, scanty short or skirts with no underwear, do send a rather loud message.
The thing is, clothing in itself will not protect a woman, not at all. The beasts are still out there and they do what they will and can. The clothing has little to do with those kinds of actions. The clothing does invite men who like that kind of look, the skank look to give attention, and mostly that is welcomed by whomever is where that kind of clothing. Where it goes from there is still defined by mutual consent or not.
So, from my point of view, I would not dress to invite that kind of man to me. I would dress how I was comfortable and that would not be in anything too over the top. I think my daughter feels the same way. In the end I cannot protect myself or her with clothing from being a victim, but I can protect her and myself from men who I do not want to give the time of day. I can do that.
Well put! I don't want any woman to forgo how she wants to dress out of fear. I do want her to think about how she will protect herself if the need arises in a tight skirt and/or high heels or whatever. Just think -- that's all I ask. Then, if you feel you are safe, go for it.
Look at it this way: Would you wear a ski jacket, ski pants, heavy sweater, hat, boots and gloves to the beach on a 105 degree day? No. You could. No one is saying you can't, but if you do, you take a good chance of fainting and, maybe, dying from heat stroke. The reverse is also true. You would not wear a bikini in Aspen in winter.
We make choices every day based on common sense. Ah, common sense -- too bad it isn't common after all.
I would only add that the counsel to young women that you advocated as a practical matter makes perfect sense to me.
I always find it interesting that women who have not been sexually assaulted have less need to yell about what's fair than those who have not known such pain. Thanks for reading and commenting.
And by way of illustration of your point, one of the most balanced, rational short discussions of the subject that I have ever encountered was written by Susan Estrich, who had been herself sexually assaulted. It was in USA Today back in 2003 and can still be read here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2003-07-27-estrich_x.htm
There is a dilemma involved in rape trials that we have been working on but have yet to solve because it cannot be "solved." She describes it perfectly.
As for protecting the identity of rape victims -- I've never understood why a rape victim isn't willing to shout her own name out at the top of her lungs. Until we make victim a word to fear in the hearts of all rapists, nothing will change. The only shame is in letting a rapist go free.
My daughter was determined to face her assailant in court. Was it like picking at scabs? Absolutely! But she knew that if she didn't try to put him in jail, another woman would one day know the terror she had endured. He is now serving three life sentences. My daughter was his first -- and, thankfully, his last. She sports a teal blue ribbon tattoo on her wrist over the deepest of the scars he caused and she wears it proudly!
♥R
I've learned the hard way that you can only state your case in so many ways trying to get through to your audience, beyond such reasonable attempts you can only conclude that the audience is deaf, and drive yourself around the bend if you persist in the effort. But I know, some of us do keep trying and bless you for it :).
I charge the windmill as long as I have the patience for it and then I lay down my sword and step back. In time those around me learn which causes I champion and begin to approach me and ask questions. Then I can answer one who is listening - whether they come to my beliefs or maintain their own is not the point, just that they came on their own actually willing to hear what I had to say.
I've beaten myself bloody against many a brick wall, and probably will again if I live long enough :D. But sometimes ya just say what you have to say and then step back and wait for them to come to you.
For your postings at the woman's site - she and her naysayers are inhabiting LaLa Land still - as you say, rhetoric or reason - both a correct response - but stay aware that one of them will still let in the boogy man no matter how 'wrong' that may be. No one ever promised the world would honor your personal 'right', and those who refuse to accept the reality of that truth, refuse to do what they must to be prepared, regardless of the right or fairness of needing that preparation, must accept their own measure of responsibility. It's a choice, it's that simple.
The pen is a mighty sword and one should never lay it down, one should always speak out, but one also must recognize the difference between ideal and reality. Yes the beasts are out there, and nothing you do or don't will deter them, but there's another kind of beast, the one that looks but won't touch - until it perceives it is being encouraged. This is the beast that your own actions may discourage, or at the very least help you avoid. We live among all kinds of beasts, we need to adjust our perceptions and responses accordingly.
Rated for unfair truth.
Amen!
All that said...
I need to point out that unless you are wearing steel toed boots or you are VERY lucky... kicking a man in the groin isn't likely to do much other than piss them off... and as with any other animal when they are pissed off... a pissed off man (or woman), who is also in pain, is COMPLETELY unpredictable and extremely dangerous... even more dangerous than they were before you kicked them.
As far as the items you list, I think that dress, alone, is less important than the others you mention.
You also need to make sure that your strategies are, in fact, effective.
For example, I have read a lot of what I consider highly dubious advice regarding how to protect yourself against lightning strikes.
As far as clothing, I'm not sure that 'dressing like a slut' is as much of a trigger as dressing in a way that would call attention to one's self as not belonging in a neighborhood, for example.
Also, I would think that your goal should be to reduce the total # of bad outcomes in a society -- not simply reduce the risk for a particular group of individuals. I can think that it is possible to reduce the risk that YOU or a particular individual will be a victim, but not reduce the total number of victims.
By the way, I am responding to your request to 'take my best shot' at your argument. Your commitment to combating violence against women is highly commendable.
Girls and women do need to understand that personal responsibility means accepting that you always need to be aware of yourself and your surroundings. What most people don't realize is that while women may be more likely to be raped, men are still more likely to be attacked in violent ways, get killed, go missing.
As to your daughter's story, that is so hard to read. I hope he never sees freedom again.
I'd like to live in a world where I'm always safe because it's the right world to live in but I live in the real world. I don't leave doors or windows unlocked, at night I keep the windows closed in the bedrooms if I'm sitting in the living room, I don't walk through dark parking lots alone, I "bother" someone to walk me to my car. If I have a repairman in my home, I check all the windows are still locked after he leaves.
I have "boyfriend" shirts and skirts that I only wear dancing if I have a boyfriend with me and they aren't even very sexy. I wish it was different but wishing doesn't make it so. Why be bothered needlessly even if it's just unwanted advances? I take responsibility for keeping myself as safe as humanly possible. I'm happy to share that with other women, if they choose to wander around dark parking lots knowing that they live in the same world I do I can't stop them. If they get attacked it still remains the attackers fault, but knowing it's not your fault doesn't help much with the pain.
I've heard Mrs. Raptor's comment myself and it makes me angry. My cousin used the same flawed logic with me and I got tired of it. I told her by that logic she needed to take even more responsibility for breaking her back as a firefighter since she was fully aware of the risks the job entailed before she even applied. I on the other hand was not aware my husband would become abusive and I wasn't given a pension to take care of me or any assistance at all to deal with the aftermath. It finally shut her self-righteous yapping up, if she wants to blame me for my poor choices then I'm free to do the same with her. By her logic anyone who takes a risky job is far more responsible for their physical injury than a woman who is beaten or raped. By my logic I did the best I could to be safe, the same as my cousin did and I'm far more wary now.
I took this from your comments on newsvine, "Until we make "victim" a word to fear in the hearts of all criminals -- rapists, murderers, thieves, etc -- nothing will change." That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read, I long for the day people understand that truth. I'm very sad about what happened to your daughter and am glad to know she had the strength and support to stand up to her attacker in court.
Mrs. Raptor: My shoe comment was merely meant to emphasis that you have even less chance of escaping under certain circumstances. My daughter attempted to fight her attacker. He laughed at her saying, "You must have taken self defense classes. Won't help." He was right. In the end, it was her "awareness" that saved her life.
As for your personal story, I do understand. Whenever I discuss my first husband, the first thing I make clear is that I did on some level know that he was "sick." I couldn't quite explain what was wrong, but there was something. Still, I married him. Do I have regrets? Yes and no. Certainly, I wish I had not experienced the pain (physical and emotional) but I learned so much. Those years shaped me into the person I am now. We learn so little from the good in our lives, but we learn, oh, so much, from the bad!
Recently, I spoke before the PBC Board of County Commissioners in an effort to prevent budget cuts that would cost the jobs of six victim advocates. Advocates are essential to the recovery of victims of violent crime. Unless you have had need of their services, you cannot comprehend the great good that they do. I told the Commissioners that as a civilized society, our battlecry -- their battlecry -- should be "From victimized to victorious -- nothing less will do." We will only be victorious when all victims of violent crime (rape, domestic abuse, muggings, etc) stand up in court and confront their attackers. Let the shame be on the perpetrators!
As for your thoughts about women being proactive, thinking before we venture out in this world, of course it is smart thinking. How can anyone dispute those facts? It doesn't mean we are giving in to the rapists. I think it simply means we are outsmarting them.
Thanks for this, Donna!
R