I don't think anyone who has ever read one of my books or blogs is unaware that I'm gay. But heterosexuals probably cannot appreciate how wonderful it is to be able to say it. I was raised in a world in which to be who I am was to walk through a minefield: any wrong step on my part which might make my being gay public knowledge could have had serious--and possibly physical--repercussions. I could have lost my job, been thrown out of my apartment. I could be--and was--arrested and thrown in jail (albeit very briefly) for "lewd and lascivious conduct" in a classic and all-too-common case of police entrapment. And as a homosexual, I had absolutely no protection or recourse under the law. And I was not alone; there were then, as there are now, millions like me. But the purpose of this blog is not to be a broad overview of being gay, or an attempt to speak for anyone but myself, but rather to examine, as I am so wont to do, just what factors contributed to/resulted in my becoming a homosexual rather than a heterosexual. To me, the answer is simple: just as I was born, as are all babies, with blue eyes but predisposed to have them turn brown, I was born predisposed to be gay. While I could not define the word "gay" when I was five years old, I knew instinctively even then exactly what and who I was. And I have never, for one second of my entire life, ever doubted who I was, or wanted to be anything else, or doubted that I had the right to be who I was and am.
From infancy, the world has always overwhelmed me with its complexity, its contradictions, its infinite frustrations, and its lack of what I consider to be the most basic logic. Though I had the unconditional love and support of my family, I always felt like an outcast, and I early on fixated on those I wanted so desperately to be. Since after discovering, to my abject horror, that girls were physically different than boys, my fixation was naturally upon other boys (and later, I should emphasize for those who see pedophilia lurking behind every tree, my attraction changed to men). I've always been attracted to those I wanted to be like, who had grace and, in my eyes, beauty, and all those things I felt I lacked--but mostly those I wished I looked like.
From the time I discovered sex I, always insecure and self-deprecatory, would find a euphoric validation when someone to whom I was attracted would for whatever reason also be attracted to me. Always a believer in fairy tales and good things, I yearned for romantic love and was fortunate enough to find it a few times, a year or two here, six years there, nine years somewhere else. But romantic love requires two individuals, and it is difficult for any human being raised in a society which considers them perverts and abominations in the eyes of God to maintain a relationship, as much as they may want it.
Being gay is an integral part of who I am as a human being...perhaps a more important part than being straight might be to a heterosexual. I am proud of being gay in that it has allowed me to withstand the pressures and idiocies of the world in which I live. I simply cannot comprehend notbeing gay, a fact which, living in a heterosexual world, only increases my sense of alienation and not belonging.
The passage of years first robs us all of youth and any physical attractiveness we may have had, then slowly edges us out of the mainstream. This is particularly true of the gay culture, where youth and beauty are a premium. I, though never as beautiful as Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray, have found my body, if not my mind, becoming the portrait in the attic.
Yet I still, in my mind and heart, am who I was so many years ago. I still ache to be like the beautiful young men who pass me on the street without so much as a glance. It's not a matter of self-pity, merely of fact.
But unlike so many gays who find--or will find--themselves in the same position as I am now, I have the ability, as mentioned in a recent blog, to step into other worlds I have created, where I can be, and am, all those things I have always wanted to be: where I am forever young, and forever gay.
Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please come back. And please take a moment to check out http://bit.ly/m8CSO1 for information on Dorien's Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
vzn
nilesite
Ben Railton
Erica K
alfred booth
STATHI STATHI
Salon.com
Comments
rated.
Now that I am losing the physical cuteness (I hesitate to say beauty) I have finally gained some badly needed self-confidence and I am happier for it.
Frustration indeed.
We gay men need to learn this lesson. Badly...
And other lessons, such as that real beauty rests within the soul, not within the body, which is an animated piece of meat destined to return to dust...
And again, thank you all for taking the time to respond.
It takes bravery to love.
I am sorry the world is so cruel. It is though. However, this is your life and you do have it within you to make a space. A sacred space with just those individuals who are special for you. And remember heaven is the beauty of the world. That moment frozen in time when you are experiencing total bliss, hold on to it and remember it. Inside yourself is your soul and you get to fill it up and make it as you like. No on else does. So no matter what anyone says or does, you are a good person and good people are filled with goodness. I wish you all the best.
Gay v. straight is, indeed, a matter of brown eyes v. blue eyes.
Being gay, in and of itself, should be a source of neither pride nor shame.
There's a modest pride in self-acceptance. It makes living a joy.
You are gay and so it is...they find me odd and it is also so but I would not want to be anyone other than I nor you, you I believe from what I've read.
I'll close in saying that I enjoy your writing. It speaks to me and I'm not gay just mildly pleasant at times.
What I usually explain is that there's two meanings for "pride"... One, the sort used for 'gay pride', is actually defiant opposition to the shame society has tried to instill in us: saying I'm "proud" to be an autistic really means I'm not ashamed of it. The traditional meaning (which you pointed out) fits as well: we're proud that even though society has doled out emotional & often physical abuse from an early age, we've managed to survive physically/emotionally as long as we have with our ability to care about others intact.
Society makes it so clear that our kind (gay, autistic, etc.) is inferior, so we become obsessively attached to whatever ability/trait we're praised for... I have to warn against sticking with appearance as the big defining factor, though -- my mother did that due to her narcissistic personality disorder with catastrophic results. Becoming unhappy about the effects of aging made her not care for herself well enough, which accelerated her aging a LOT, and a dour expression became her habitual one so she doesn't look like she'd be pleasant enough to befriend. She would've been a lot better off getting intense help learning to value her talents more & to handle the effects of age...
Im 64 year's old. I came out in 1961 -- and never looked back. Being gay meant belonging to a charmed circle of artists and intellectuals : Frank O'Hara, John Ashbery, Allen Ginsberg, John LaTouche (http://denniscooper-theweaklings.blogspot.com/2011/09/david-ehrenstein-presents-john-latouche.html), Joe Brainard, Andy Warhol (just to speak of then-contemporary reference points) Being "out" was quite avant-garde back then. Even after Stonewall it was cuttign edge. Now the closet is collapsing. In less than a generation it will be entirely gone. Still it's not all Neil Patrick Harris. We've got to fight for our lives 24/7 -- as Lawrence King's murder proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (http://fablog.ehrensteinland.com/2011/09/02/just-trying-to-get-in-the-head/)
It's not comparable to eye color at all.
I wonder why this is, because it seems to contradict what most gays and lesbians want: mainstream acceptance, at any age. Physical beauty is such a flimsy, insubstantial thing and often there's nothing behind it. And youth so frequently lacks depth, which is very unsatisfying, wouldn't you say? But if you feel young and beautiful inside, at any age, then to me that's close to enlightenment.
Given all that, my question of/for the moment: Where is the comment I so appreciated from the comment-er who said he wasn't "gay", but "pleasant"? [??!! ;-)]