Having fought a losing battle with my serious addiction to outrage at internet spam for some time now, I've decided to try a new approach: perhaps instead of letting it drive me to utter distraction, I should open my arms to it, and get into the sincere, altruistic spirit I assume the spammers want me to have. However, I do have a few innocent questions I hope they might answer before I follow them to the next level of our relationship. (The messages below are exactly as received:)
Federal Bureau of Invest. - Re: Your Funds Has Been Approved!!!! (They has? What funds?)
Yahoo Thailand Lottery 2 – Yahoo!! International Lottery Organization... (Yahoo Thailand? There aren't enough people in Thailand you can approach?)
United Nations Office – RE-CONFIRM (Or?)
Mr. Henry Olds – Contact Mr. Henry Olds (And if I don't?)
Ms. Joyce Kouassi – Hello Dear. Dearest one, I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart.... (And I read your mail with nausea in my stomach. Can we call it even?)
Mrs. Ameera Hommed – Urgent Information. Dear Greeting in the name of Allah. I am writing you in tears. (Oh, you poor, sweet woman. May I put you in touch with Ms. Joyce Kouassi, above?)
Alice Sheldon – HELLO. Good Day, I am Mrs. Alice Sheldon; A citizen of United State of America...
(Really? Which United State of America are you a citizen of?)
Mr. Matthew Joe – Dear valued customer your atm card. (My atm card what?)
UN SECRETARY GENERAL – YOU HAVE WON ($650,500.00) FROM UN (Why is the United Nations just handing out money to strangers? And doesn't the secretary general of the UN have a few other things to do with his time?)
BERNARD BARUCH – BE BLESSED TODAY! (Thank you, Bernard, but I'm curious, since you died in 1965, why you're writing me now claiming to have esophageal cancer?)
Home Protection – Your Being Robbed at This Moment! (My what is being robbed at this moment? Should I call the police?)
Barrister Akpalu Yartey – Attn: I Would Like You TO Stand AS The Next of Kin To My Late Client. (And why in the hell would you want me to do that?)
Richardson, Benjamin Erv. - Important Notification!!! (Important to whom?)
Globe Secret Central Bank – Re: CONTRACT PAYMENT APPROVAL (What the hell is a “Secret” bank?)
MR JOHN GOODMAN – URGENT RESPONDS NEEDED ASAP. (What “responds” might those be?)
Smiht Adams – My trusted friend. Dear Trusted friend, my name is Mr Smith Adams... (May I ask on what grounds our “friendship” was formed, since I don't know you from...you'll excuse the pun...Adam?And don't you think trusting someone you've never met might be a tad risky? But setting these things aside, may I suggest you learn how to spell your own name?)
Ms Marette Johnson – Beloved in the Lord Jesus Christ.... (How can I refuse such a heartfelt, sincere opening? Obviously, since you are such a religious person, I can trust you with my life. Can I send you some money?)
Rev. Donald Duke – YOUR CONSIGNMENT HAS ARRIVED YOUR CITY. (What “consignment”? What is a “Rev.” doing concerning himself with “consignments?” Why the hell should I respond to somebody who doesn't even know where I live?)
Sgt. Christopher Maynard - I have a profiling amount of 37Million United States Dollars secured in an offshore private bank.... (What is a “profiling amount?” How did you get it? Why do you want to drag me into something that is obviously illegal and could get me thrown into jail?)
SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI – The Diplomat is at JFK Airport New York with your consignment. Call him now. (“The” Diplomat? What Diplomat? From where? How many JFK Airports are there? What's with all these “consignments” people keep sending me? What the hell is he doing in New York? Why didn't he come right to Chicago? If he knows who I am, why doesn't he call me? Will I ever understand what's going on?)
Ok, obviously my new approach isn't going to work. I think I'll just go back to the “Delete without reading” method. At least I can try.
Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to visit his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs (http://bit.ly/m8CSO1).