Leave David Letterman Alone: It is not about sex!!!!!

Dorinda Fox

Location: Orlando, Florida, United States
Birthday: May 20

Bio: I teach writing at several universities. My two daughters are five and 16. I adore my children, have trouble raising them, and you will read more about them than you care to. I am a cancer survivor. I was born and raised in Arkansas. I am addicted to Starbucks black iced tea. "What if it's boring... or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring." Lily Tomlin referring to her teenage diary, in an interview in Movie magazine (July 1983) "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -- Bertrand Russell "I'm teaching myself to live without sleeping because I don't trust my dreams." -- Jon Stewart on the Daily Show

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OCTOBER 7, 2009 10:23PM

Rate: 20 Flag

Leave David Letterman Alone: People Cheat Even When They Keep Their Pants On

I have been married twice. I have been divorced twice.

The first marriage was shortly after Prince Charles/Princess Diana married and I was wearing a ridiculously poufy white gown lent to me by my cousin Teri who was a model in Texas. She had married the month before and it was my something borrowed that had been made by a designer friend of hers. My wedding was a church wedding in Little Rock, Arkansas . The reception was at my father's house two days before his birthday. I was 19 and I’m rather sure that broke his heart. The day of my wedding he told me I could still change my mind. Earlier I got frustrated about how big the wedding was getting. I got on a Continental Trailways bus a week before the wedding and went to Texarkana, Texas to hide out with my grandmother Molly for three days. She tried to teach me how to make chicken but I am hopeless. Whenever anyone called me she told them I was busy. The wedding plans/preparations went on without me. I obviously got back on the bus to marry a poor sports editor raised in Flippin,Arkansas where they make Ranger bass boats. The bass boat people sent us a $100 check.

The second marriage was on a beach at St. George’s Island near Tallahassee. We invited 50 friends/family members for a weekend house party, rented the biggest house we could find on the beach, provided people with a lot of cereal for breakfast and beer to drink in the afternoon. At some point we went to the beach and gave the people in a particular spot free beer to go away for an hour so we could have that stretch of beach. My two male best friends Karl and Rogers (they are neither a couple nor homosexual and I still talk to them every week) stood up for me as my bridesmen and held roses in their teeth. That ex-husband is the father of my daughters and is working hard at becoming a good father. He is still handsome and likely always will be. He looks like a cross between Sam Elliott and Steve McQueen.

I am not proud of those divorces. Both times it took almost a month after filing for divorce before I could tell anyone without feeling deep shame or talk about it in a voice louder than a whisper.

I do not believe there are any happy divorces. There are however many divorces that are pretty damn necessary for the sake of everyone’s mental health. The second time around I had been wishing for the divorce for quite some time.

Why?

We broke our vows.

I don’t know what everyone promises when they marry but here is what I promised and was promised twice as a United Methodist.

Will you love him/her, comfort him, honor and keep him
in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others,
be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves in just life is that people do not look at the order of those vows.

1. LOVE

2. HONOR

3. FORSAKE

That means there are three basic ways to break marriage vows and cheat on a spouse.

We see people all the time that no longer really love their spouses.

We see people all the time that no longer honor or cherish their spouses and treat them horribly.

Why don’t realize that can be a much worse type of cheating than forsaking and cleaving elsewhere? Why doesn’t that make the news?

I don’t know David Letterman or his wife. Perhaps one or both of them had trouble with other vows that had nothing to do with getting naked with anyone else.

I can tell you from hardwon experience that when one does not feel loved or honored then it should not be surprising that they might seek temporary comfort elsewhere.

Just leave David Letterman alone. At least he told the truth. Give him credit for that.

Really what it boils down to is if someone is not my spouse or promised to me who they sleep with or how they have sex should never be on the news.

IT.IS.NONE.OF.OUR.BUSINESS.

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Comments

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I agree that it's none of our business and I could certainly have lived my life happily without ever knowing it, but he made it public business when he announced it in the mass media. I think less of him for doing that -- it seems like a PR-masterminded move, and really -- why the hell does anyone need to know about his affairs, or the reasons why?

emma peel

October 07, 2009 10:40 PM

Took you a while to get there but I agree.

Jeff Howe

October 07, 2009 10:52 PM

Makes sense to me. Letterman wasn't married when he had those relationships and doesn't seem to have coerced anyone. I don't even know why he's apologizing to his wife...
And yes, there are lots of ways to make a marriage suffer without ever "getting naked" with someone other than your spouse.

Eva T. Made Vaudeville

October 07, 2009 10:52 PM

A-freakin'-men.

iamsurly

October 07, 2009 11:00 PM

I agree with you and I don't care who he sleeps with if they don't and he doesn't...now back to your weddings...Were you on CMT's Redneck Weddings"...you cracked me up.

T.S.

October 07, 2009 11:06 PM

I agree that his marriage and personal life are none of our business. But the situation might be about sexual harassment (we don't know yet), and if that is the case, he should be held accountable.

sweetfeet

October 07, 2009 11:31 PM

Absolutely. These are private matters. There are no accusations of coercion or even pressure. Let it go.

benjamin_the_donkey

October 07, 2009 11:49 PM

you make a great point here. he made it our business -- i'm a huge fan -- by addressing the subject on his show. more than once. but i agree. he's not a politician. he didn't make a contract with any constituents to have Family Values. and marriage is complicated and fragile. i was divorced once and widowed once. one awful marriage, one excellent one. i have a few friends who have no love for their partners/husbands but who stay with them because they don't want to work or because they're emotionally lazy. some flirt online. none of them get that sustaining an emotional relationship online is Cheating. it's sad. i apologize for commenting here. i know you're done with me. but this is a topic that resonates strongly with me. love love love

Theodora L'Engle Knight

October 07, 2009 11:51 PM

I agree with what you're saying here, but I wish Dave had not gone into his mea culpa part II, once was enough. He did cheat on his wife, but it sounds like this was before they became officially man and wife, so it's a little murky. If I were living with a guy for ten years or more I'd be miffed to learn that he was "stepping out," but for all we know she did know, and maybe it even precipitated their marriage. None of my business or anyone elses. Letterman needs to drop the whole thing and stop blabbing about it all.

Ablonde

October 08, 2009 12:29 AM

Standing up and applauding wildly. The vows alone explain clearly (to me) why marriage is a "manufactured idea". It's the equivalent of going on a diet and giving up sugar or bread. You can do it short term,; maybe even for awhile but not permanently. If we accept that, we will realize how ridiculous a premise it is. As for Letterman, I don't care who he did or didn't sleep with ay more so than he cares about who I have slept with. It's none of anybody's business. Amen, woman!

cartouche

October 08, 2009 06:14 AM

I'm sure he was tortured by the decision to make this all public. Look at him talking about it and you can read the discomfort on his face. It was really a question of who made it public and how the story would be told. He wanted to do it first so at least he wouldn't have to answer questions that were worded like, "Have You stopped beating your wife yet?" . Round two only came after the identity of the woman involved was made public. All that being said this is still being milked by some with their own agendas to imply things that no one involved has yet to claim. Many of those judging him are living in glass houses and throwing stones.

bobbot

October 08, 2009 07:07 AM

Dorinda ... great post; great analogies. And it really is none of our business. As to the criticism of Letterman making it public: folks, he had no choice. Attempted extortion occurred. He and his attorney notified the authorities. This led to an sting and an arrest. What do you suppose the arrest warrant said? At the time of arraignment, what do you suspect would be discussed there ... maybe the victim? Then at trial, what would be said? Who would testify? Do you suppose Letterman? How could he not go public?

And do you think the execs at CBS might be "offering" their input into what he does or doesn't do on air?

As to sexual harrassment, that's a big ass jump-to-conclusion considering no one with whom he had sex has ever leaped forward to claim so. Personally I admire him for doing what he's done. Most famous people whould try to spin this into something less controversial; sweep it away and hope it stays hidden.

Good comps, Dorinda. "R"

Rod Emmons

October 08, 2009 07:58 AM

Relationships are just too hard to judge anybody about theirs. I would hate my life to be available for public consumption this way. Great post.

NoisyNora

October 08, 2009 08:03 AM

A-Freakin'-men. On all counts. Not just the Letterman stuff.

Verbal Remedy

October 08, 2009 09:16 AM

This was such a non issue that it stuns me. No one had complained and now we are discussing it??

Loved your own stories though!

Traveller1

October 08, 2009 09:20 AM

IT.IS.NONE.OF.OUR.BUSINESS. Ditto that, D.

Michael Rodgers

October 08, 2009 09:35 AM

I'm with Emma, re: it being forced into "our business." I could give an eff about D.L. but his mug is staring at me all over the place this week.

But I really like your descriptions of your weddings and the high points and flaws and everything in between.

And I highly appreciate your points on the current state of many marriages it seems. "The Walking Dead" as my one friend refers to them. They are married only in theory but deeply and unrecoverably unhappy with one another.

"Why don’t realize that can be a much worse type of cheating than forsaking and cleaving elsewhere? Why doesn’t that make the news?"

I have NO clue.

Beth Mann

October 08, 2009 10:43 AM

One of his only female writers wrote for Vanity Fair today:

"Did Dave hit on me? No. Did he pay me enough extra attention that it was noted by another writer? Yes. Was I aware of rumors that Dave was having sexual relationships with female staffers? Yes. Was I aware that other high-level male employees were having sexual relationships with female staffers? Yes. Did these female staffers have access to information and wield power disproportionate to their job titles? Yes. Did that create a hostile work environment? Yes. Did I believe these female staffers were benefiting professionally from their personal relationships? Yes. Did that make me feel demeaned? Completely. Did I say anything at the time? Sadly, no. "

Let's be consistent. He is a run of the mill asshole who won't even PAY for sex, just uses his female staff for it. And if Dick Cheney [or put any man you don't like in here] was doing this, everyone would be having a field day.

I don't understand feminists running to his defense. In the 21st century one would think women could actually work at jobs without having to be considered sex objects. But that apparently is not the case. This writer quit her dream job over the hostile environment.