These are lyrics from the Dixie Chicks “Long Way Around” and they have always seemed rather personal to me – particularly this year since I was diagnosed with cancer in September 2007 and my world did come crashing down about two years ago.

Before that diagnosis . . .

I had just landed a dream job as a writing coach in a prestigious university’s MBA program.

I was dating but did not want to be tied down so I was seeing an environmental lobbyist who hunts, a hotel CFO of Middle Eastern descent, a Buddhist dreamer and bus driver Luke Wilson lookalike who abhors salt and loves rollercoasters, and a neo-conservative retired Air Force officer with a hunting lodge and beach house in South Carolina.  None of that makes sense now and did not then.  I had just gotten out of a rather stultifying marriage two years before and was equally terrified of being bored or alone.

I had two daughters ages 15 and 4 and had just bought a brand new house for a new start for us all.

I even had a maid who came two times a month.

After a year of illness I had lost the job and the boyfriends and the maid.  I so miss the maid.  I was estranged from oldest daughter when I began OS.  I was bald.  I was bloated from steroids.  I was tired.

On my LAST day of chemotherapy on September 15, 2008 I came home, collapsed on the couch, turned on the news and learned we were all going to economic hell.

I did not lose my house but did lose the entire down payment I had made when it was devalued so I could not sell it to help with a year’s worth of bills and to help raise my youngest daughter.

I had to go from being a patient/cancer victim to a productive healthy human being right quick. That is when it got interesting. I knew I had to work.

But I also knew I had to live.

I was thinking about all this when I was in Arkansas staying up Devil’s Den state park hiking some trails by the river early one morning about eight days ago. My brother and I stayed in a CCC craftsman cabin in the mountains and woods.  Like anyone who lives far away from home going back to visit is bittersweet.  I got to see friends and family I missed and loved but realized I had as many good reasons to move to Florida 20 years before as I had to stay.  Sadly that is still true.

More from the Dixie Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses
In the same ZIP codes where their parents lived

But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow

I hit the highway
. . . .
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

The main reason for being in Little Rock was to see my dad whose 75^th birthday was in September and I had not made it to his party because it was held about the same week I had many classes starting. I had felt very disloyal not attending but  I could not figure out a way to get the work done and go home. So I went home a few weeks later when work calmed down.  I got to spend time with my longtime sister/friend Carla and her daughters while I was there, as well as to meet Shelle Stormoe and her husband Mel for dinner.  She is best known as Hillbilly Aunt and writes about Arkansas better than anyone I have ever read.

However, my brother’s favorite singer is Robert Earl Keen Jr. and he was going to be appearing in northwest Arkansas.  Keen was appearing at George’s in Fayetteville which is the lifelong hangout of my college friend Steve (an environmental lawyer who does not hunt and good friend of my old boyfriend and OS convert randypd) so we met Steve, his lovely girlfriend Betsy, and some politico friends of my brothers at George’s.  One of my brother’s friends knew Keen so we got to talk with Keen on the tour bus before his show. I thanked Keen for writing my very favorite song with Lyle Lovett called This Old Porch.  Keen told us there was a duet with our cousin Billy Bob on his newest album the Rose Hotel. That is cool.

This is my brother’s favorite Keen song and the song with which he closed the show.  I was dancing with my brother and what appeared to be many drunken frat boys as he played the song.

The Road Goes on Forever and the Party Never Ends

I thought about that song the next day when I headed west down I-30 the day of the Texas/Oklahoma game with many football fans to see not the game but BBD, Julie Delio, lalucas, Susan Mitchell and their friends and family members.  The photography at bbd’s show was beautiful as I had expected but the company was more so.

Open Salon people are almost always so kind and smart and beautiful in their writing or in person. I really lost much of my identity and life while ill and have been able to rebuild my self confidence and a life this past year thanks to Open Salon.  If you ever have a chance to meet a friend from Open Salon offline I encourage you to do so.

My happy memories of this past year include meeting lalucas, Liz Emrich, Jodi Kasten, Micheal Rodgers, and Liz Emrich and cartouche in Sebastian.  Later that evening lalucas and I partied late at a biker bar down the street from our hotel where we were entertained by a very talented but somewhat elderly local rock band.  Cartouche, Lea, and Kellylark and I met Dave Cullen when he read at Books and Books in Coral Gables and formed the Dave Cullen Quartet.  My older daughter and I had a lovely lunch in downtown  D.C. this summer with Liz Emrich.   I met Buffy W., m.a.h., Spotted Mind, Lonnie, Verbal Remedy, Emma Peel, Sandra Stephens, Pretend Farmer and Lonnie in Las Vegas.  I have hung out with Lea and Cartouche in Miami and West Palm.  Michael, Lonnie, bbd, and Dave are wonderful and I much appreciate their friendship.  I just want to say that in particular the very strong women with whom I have become friends this past year in person and those online who I did not list have helped me in trying to figure out who I want to be or how I want to be now.  I want to be them when I grow up.

None of these visits has been particularly expensive but they all have been invaluable.

Even when not with OS friends I have made a point to plan activities to get out of my house.  Just listen to John Mellencamp.  Sorry about the Michael Jackson movie advertisement that precedes it.

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