^{Image courtesy of PMarkets}

I just called your IT department, and let me say this up front: I want a native American-English speaker.

I work with a lot of people who were born elsewhere, i.e. not the U.S.: China, Taiwan, Japan, India, the Phillipines, Russia, Ukraine, France, and God knows where else.  In any given day, I hear at least four languages (and probably more), anything from Mandarin to Tamil to German to Japanese (and English, of course).  And I love that about my industry, honesly.  One thing that sucks about being American rather than (say) European is that the chance to bonk into other cultures and languages is pretty low.  We're a big, big country, and only bordered by Mexico (Spanish) and Canada (English, usually).  So it's cool to be exposed to that, and I try to make the most of it.  (e.g., talking to my Indian co-workers about cricket during the World Cup--"So, what's the deal with 'the ashes'?")

But if I'm on the phone with your support department, I want a native American-English speaker.

It could be that I'm a racist, absolutely.  But I tell you: I'm spectacularly tired of getting on the phone with a "support" person that I can't understand.  I hate to say this, because all my life I've been a multicultural kinda guy (I went to U.C. Santa Cruz, for heaven's sake!), but after 25 years or so of dealing with English-is-not-my-first-language support people, I can state with confidence that, unless you grew up speaking American English in an American English-speaking home, you shouldn't be working telephone support with Americans.  Period. 

Does this apply to Scots, and Irish, and Welsh, and other white folks?  You bet it does.  If you have a thick, non-American accent, and are working front-line phone support for an American product sold by an American company and you're going to have Americans calling you, you need to speak American English like a native.  I don't care if you're The MacGregor, or a direct descendant of St. Patrick--you need to speak American English.

I have lost track of the number of different accents that I've heard on the phone that makes the speaker thereof all but incomprehensible.  And folks, I'm not a beginner when it comes to accents.  I work in a worldwide industry that coordinates with offices all over the world.  I speak to Indians, Chinese, Taiwanese, Germans, French, Japanese, and other Europeans on a regular basis.  My son is Taiwanese.  My sister-in-law is Assyrian.  My brother-in-law is Japanese.  This is not a case of an idiot American who simply can't deal with non-American accents.  No; this is about support people being incomprehsible because they didn't grow up speaking American English.

At the risk of being boring and repetitive, let me repeat:  If I'm the phone with your support department, I want a native American-English speaker. 

One of things I love about calling Apple support is that I get an American.  I can feel myself relaxing when an American answers the phone.  I don't have to psych myself up to speak extra-clearly, not use euphamisms, avoid anything colloquial; it's an American, and they'll know all that stuff.  I can concentrate on the problem, not the information exchange itself.  Things that have taken 20 minutes to explain to someone who isn't a native American-English speaker take 3 minutes with an American.  It's a spectacular relief, as well as a huge time saver. 

This is not about "taking jobs away from India", or "keeping American jobs in America".  No.  (Though I believe in keeping jobs in America very strongly.)  This is about a business--telephone support--that requires a high level of American English comprehension and expression.  Not just basic technical English, either; you are talking to Americans here, who have a built-in bunch of viewpoints, a consistent group of pop-culture references, and a lot of other innate knowledge which someone born in (say) Vladivostok simply doesn't have.  You don't have to be a football fan to know football in America; the culture is saturated with it.  As well as beer commercials, billboards, gun debates, abortion debates, and everything else that makes us a complicated and oft-times irritating culture.  But it gives us a common set of reference points, and it makes communicating with each other easier than communicating with, say, a Quebeçois.

And when you are born elsewhere, you don't have that.  That doesn't make you a lesser person--I don't know beans about the last 5 snooker champions, or how many times Australia has won The Ashes, or who the top F1 racer is this year, and that doesn't make me a lesser person.  That stuff just isn't important in American, and so it doesn't inform my pop-culture knowledge.   And if you're an IT person and it informs your pop-culture knowledge, that doesn't help you at all with Americans.

So listen up AT&T, and Dell, and Oracle, and all your other companies that are gleefully moving your telephone support operations offshore:  it sucks.  I'm not going to appeal to your patriotism, because I don't think rich folks have any when it comes to business.  I'm not going to appeal to your better natures, or anything like that.  I'll just keep it basic:  that end of your business requires an American English speaker.  So get them on the job, because I've had enough, already. 

Now, an important note, especially for you parents:  all this support calling was because my daughter was being overcharged on her data because of a screw-up by AT&T.  A screw-up that they may be making on your bill, too.  So if you want to know more, please read my post on Gear Diary.

Update:  With regard to the overcharging issue, AT&T is apparently being sued over this.  If you are interested in this topic--and if you are an AT&T customer, you should be--take a look at these articles:

•  http://www.mobiledia.com/news/94713.html
• http://www.sfmslaw.com/blog/?p=106
• http://thedroidguy.com/2011/05/class-action-lawsuit-att-sued-for-overcharging-iphone-customers/
• http://www.bgr.com/2011/05/20/att-accused-of-overcharging-iphone-ipad-users-for-cellular-data-in-latest-lawsuit-video/