I've been checking out creches. I am nuts about them; I used to put my Barbie in a shoebox and pretend it was the manger. I don't think I am the only Jewish girl to have done this. Barbie's Dream Manger could be a kickass hot ticket at Chanukah time.
Only my manger was missing a baby daddy. I was never really down with Ken; he thought he was such a playah, what with that perfect hair and gym-toned abs and no penis and all, like he never did an honest day's work in his life. I've always been more into the manly man types, which is why I had a Midge doll.
So in my creche, Midge and Barbie were the proud lesbian parents which, honestly, is a much more believable tale of immaculate conception than the real one. If I was doing it today, I'd also make them both military gals, you know, to commemorate the repeal. My creche would be a political statement as well as a revelatory religious experience. And that is WJWD.
But I've been thinking about Mary, as I am wont to due this time of year. And if she was anything like me, I bet she was not crazy about having all those barn animals in there with her. I cannot imagine that was in her birth plan. I mean, I barely wanted Robin in there with me and he was freshly showered. Plus, those animals would not be sympathetic to how wussy we humans are when it comes to labor. The donkey would be all, "epidural, really?" and he and the sheep would snicker and move Mary's focus spot all over the manger just to fuck with her. Because barn animals are like that. And the Wise Men would pretend they had medical degrees from some online correspondence school, just to take a peek at what was going on under the blanket. And then they would faint because it wasn't like porn at all down there; that was not what they expected a real woman's netherparts to look like.
But the thing that concerns me most is that Mary is standing in there. Was there not ONE gentleman in the entire manger? Did no one's mom teach him to give a pregnant lady their seat? Poor Mary. And even after the baby is born, she is still standing. Mary, bubeleh, please. Go lay down. Take the pressure off your bottom. You're making MY hemorrhoids hurt just looking at you, am I right, ladies? If the Wise Men knew anything about women's bodies, they would have brought Preparation H instead of myrrh.
I gotta tell you, Midge was one helluva midwife and baby mama. She even brought Power Bars to help MaryBarbie keep up her strength during labor. AND she cleaned up the manger afterwards, something I am certain the Wise Men did not do, as they had dropped off their "gifts" (and who was going to clean up the frankincense and myrrh leaves?) and high-tailed it back to their bachelor pads to wash their eyes out with lye.
If only Midge had been in the Temple with the Maccabees. She could've cleaned up the place in two, maybe three days instead of the eight days it took the guys. And we'd only have to celebrate Chanukah for three nights. Only have to buy our kids three nights of gifts. And only eat latkes and jelly donuts for three days and nights. And my underpants wouldn't be so tight this morning.
If only the Maccabees had been man enough to repeal DADT.